Sunday, January 24, 2016

Writing Doldrums

It's been another year and once again I find myself wondering if my writing has improved at all. I certainly feel more comfortable with my writing, though I'm not sure if that has made my writing better. Does it show? I've been experimenting by writing about different things but nothing feels quite right yet. My Things I Hate series is fun, or at least satisfying, though I'm not sure it exactly counts as comedy (my original intention). At least a few people have expressed that they would rather see me working on fiction. Perhaps I should, but I always feel particularly frustrated with how my fiction turns out.

I've tried writing about anime a little bit, but it turns out that I'm particularly ranty when it comes to anime, though probably not in the fun way. More in the long-winded stop-writing-already way. I recently completed an as-yet-unpublished article on anime golden ages but my initial write-up ended up halfway between a poor research paper and overstuffed argumentative essay. The writing advice I've gotten on the article/post has been divisive; pare it down, bulk it up. Either way it's likely to require a lot of rewriting before I can call it complete. (Also, I'm starting to think that pursuing an English or Journalism degree might be worth it, even if the degree is wholly unmarketable, solely so I don't have to beg people for constructive criticism.)

As usual I also feel that I don't write enough. Also, as usual, I have too much on my plate to write as often as I'd like. I have my hands full with trying to finish the remaining renovations on the house so that I can sell it. Not to mention I also need to work on my Network+ certification this year before my A+ certification runs out. Regardless, I'd find it easier to write more often if I could find my niche, but nothing has stuck so far. Back in high school I felt driven to write. Now? I have fun with some posts/articles but these days it's really hit or miss. I wonder sometimes if I spend too much time thinking about what people actually want to read, if my writing would improve more if I just didn't give a shit about whether or not anyone wanted to read my stuff and focused on making sure I was happy with my writing. At some point though I do need to worry about whether or not people want to read my stuff. Or at least learn how to connect with the people who want to read my particular brand of writing.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Gatchaman CROWDS - Disaster Zone



Until just recently I hadn't watched any anime in a long while, almost six months. If you asked me why I'd be hard pressed to give an exact answer. The closest I can come to an explanation is that I ran out of A-list series to check out. My anime A-list is exactly what it sounds like, anime that I've had trusted recommendations for or that I feel are must-see. I'm a little annoyed that the list ran out. Particularly I'm annoyed because I don't exactly blaze through anime and it's not uncommon for me to go several months between series, which tells me that I have not only caught up on anything that really stands out as worthwhile (including a backlog of older shows) but that nothing new is coming out to replenish my list. Of course this is all subject to my own taste in shows and a lot of other subjective things, yadda, yadda, yadda.

My point being, I've been forced to draw from my B-list a lot lately. It's a good and bad thing. I'm sorry to say that much of my B-list has exactly what makes my B-list a B-list: mediocrity, great ideas ruined by poor execution, thick veneers of cliche slathered over otherwise decent characters, and series that are bearably bad or finger-quotes good. Occasionally I'm pleasantly surprised and that keeps me going.  But going through my B-list I find the highs and lows very underwhelming and after a few B-list series   it's all too easy to forget just how moving or cerebral a good anime can be. This is where I've been for a while now, and where Gatchaman comes in.

Although the animation style didn't call out to me I had read a growing number of favorable reviews for Gatchaman CROWDS and its sequel. Finally earlier this week, after finishing off another mediocre B-list I decided I was ready for something that had a little rapport and watched Gatchaman CROWDS.

Overview - Gatchaman CROWDS Reaches for Everything But Grasps Nothing.

I went into Gatchaman CROWDS with moderately high expectations ready to like the series, but quickly realized about halfway in that Gatchaman was dying a death of a thousand cuts. For every step forward Gatchaman took in pulling me in there was something else breaking immersion or failing to make sense. In the first two episodes Hajime and MESS are introduced, with MESS being implied to be a long-running enemy of the Gatchaman, only for Hajime to completely resolve the entire mess (pun intended) in the second episode. Fine, whatever, the show doesn't want to be about good guys fighting throwaway bad guys, that's okay. Though since MESS doesn't play any other role in the story after the first two episodes what was the point in even establishing MESS? Where is the show going then? Well that's where Rui (or as I call him: "guy/girl", since I can never seem to remember his name) and 'X' come in with their super app GALAX. Once again I was ready to overlook a few flaws in GALAX for the sake of the greater story, but given how large a role GALAX plays in the latter half of the story those small gripes became gaping holes that shattered my suspension of disbelief.

And then he left for no raisin at all! Hahahaha!
Now, allow me a little aside here. Maybe it's just because I have a background in computers making me a little more aware of trends in apps and whatnot but I just can't see GALAX being as successful as it was portrayed. The idea behind GALAX is pretty cool, you connect people who need medical attention to nearby first responders, people who need help to those who have the skills to assist, as well as serving a traditional role as general chat room and platform for shared interests. There are just two big issues with that. Number one is the first responder issue, which in theory is really great, but then you have situations like the stabbing (perpetrated by Katze) in which GALAX would actually be putting medical first responders in danger in a situation that would require police intervention first. Number two is that long term success of GALAX as a platform for connecting people with problems (like the housewife and the lawyer using an in-show example) would be dependent on pay. Contacting a lawyer in the vicinity is great, if they are going to help for free, but at the same time that lawyer is essentially working without pay. Of course, maybe the lawyer is getting paid since the show never specifies, in which case that feature of GALAX is essentially just a fancy Google search. Without a paid system GALAX could still be successful but it would then ultimately be forced to cater to entry-level assistance as professional help would almost certainly require payment. People gotta' make a living yo.

Getting back to the story overall, Gatchaman tried to juggle a lot of ideas: the internet as a tool for greater civic action/responsibility, the role of leadership in the internet age, organization in government vs online, approaching problems with empathy, and I'm sure there was more. The end result is that the series feels frenetic and cluttered, and doesn't seem like it's actually about anything. Even the transformation abilities of the Gatchaman somehow felt out of place after a while. I thought maybe the story was going to be about the Gatchamen slowly becoming irrelevant but that didn't pan out. Then I thought maybe the show was going to examine the Gatchamen as a force for executive action, competing for dominance with CROWDS, while an inept government tied down by bureaucracy was forced to change. Nope. Maybe it was due to the increasing absurdity and lack of realism in a setting that is supposed to be the real world albeit with fantasy elements, but I had an extremely difficult time concentrating on what Gatchaman CROWDS was trying to convey.

Gatchaman Aesthetics and 70's Chic.

Setting aside my ranty complaints for a moment let's look at one of the few things I actually didn't mind about the show (even if I still find it weird). Gatchaman has a very strange visual aesthetic that seems to be infused with 70's influences. I'm not sure if this is a hat-tip to when the original Gatchaman (Science Ninja Team Gatchaman) came out in 1972, but all the aliens seem to dress like 70's chic is where it's at. OD and Sugane both wear those loose shirts with the off-kilter neck and Sugane in particular is prone to stripes. Not to mention both have that pixie haircut thing going on. I couldn't place it at first but Hajime's outfit also seemed vaguely 70's but I couldn't place why. After running a few image searches I'm fairly certain now that the high waist on her skirt is the culprit. Strangely enough the Gatchaman theme is another 70's throwback with the repeated "Gatchaman!!" chorus that plays during the action scenes. Don't ask me why I'm picking up on so many 70's things, I wasn't even born back then.

The overall animation is pretty good even if the character designs don't do anything special for me. The animation is smooth and, well, animated. The color palette seems to be infused with a lot of bold or neon colours where the Gatchaman are concerned though everything else looks pretty normal, which really helps set the Gatchaman apart as alien and fantastical. I'm not very fond of the use of cell-shaded graphics in the series though. Once again cell-shading is a jarring and noticeable shift and I disapprove of it. There seems to be some issue with translating a smooth CG animation into the lower frame rate of animated cells without the CG looking terribly choppy or awkwardly fluid.



OD is Best Character. The Rest Are Pretty Terrible.

As far as protagonists go Hajime barely registers as a character as she is too busy being a plot device. She doesn't develop, she doesn't have any depth, and somehow she always knows how to diffuse a situation. There were several great opportunities to hint that perhaps Hajime's ceaseless exuberance is just a front instead of a happiness bordering on mental illness. Of course those opportunities were passed over without incident. J.J. is another non-character who only appears to bestow powers, dispense prophecies, and blow paper birds around. Paiman is insufferably annoying and although he does undergo a small amount of character growth he never matures enough to actually be an enjoyable character. Mostly he acts as a terrible bossy leader who is largely useless. Sugane, Utsutsu, and Joe could be much more interesting characters but they spend most of the show mostly doing their own thing or following Hajime's lead. 

One wonders how the Gatchaman got along before Hajime came along, but I'd chalk that up to OD. OD is one of the few decent characters, though he doesn't undergo much growth either. Nonetheless he is still my favorite. I like his casual style, the way he is completely and comfortably himself, his self-assured nature, and the hint of mysteriousness that accompanies his character. He obviously cares for the Gatchaman as a team, and more so for the Gatchaman as individuals. I can't say as much for most of the others besides Hajime and she doesn't count. That OD is also the most powerful is just an added bonus for me. Although on that point I'm a little confused as to why OD was so reluctant to use his Gatchaman power, because despite some collateral damage from his light tentacles I wouldn't exactly call that city destroying. Also I admit that I was rather confused when I saw OD's weapons breach the ground as I had always assumed that JJ's sanctum was extra-dimensional or on another planet and not simply underground.

My last gripe where characters are concerned falls on Berg-Katze. I actually really liked Katze as a villain. He has this "I want to watch the world burn" style, but it's very clear that he doesn't actually want to get his hands dirty. Katze is subversive and manipulative, and wherever possible Katze doesn't like to actually kill people himself; to him it is almost necessary that the blood is on someone else's hands. Toward the end of the series when Katze emerges from JJ's lair to find everyone distracted instead of in chaos it would have been all too easy for him to wade into the crowds and start cutting people apart. After all that would sow plenty of chaos, but Katze's game is to fan the flames of darkness in others lives. Katze isn't just after chaos, he is after the destruction of the human spirit by guiding his victims into creating their own downfall. Aaaaand then Hajime completely de-tooths his character by essentially saying "Awww, he was just lonely all this time!" I honestly hope that isn't true because I feel that severely diminishes Katze as a villain. Not to mention that being lonely is not a valid excuse for destroying entire planets in a sadistic and brutal manner.

As for Rui, Rui is an okay character but there was something about him that I didn't particularly care for. At least Rui undergoes some actual growth, but his misguided idealism and his complete lack of background bothered me.


Let's Examine Leadership Themes by Completely Disregarding a Realistic Portrayal of Leadership.

My biggest complaint about Gatchaman CROWDS is that it has no idea how to correctly represent leadership. Honestly, they have no freaking clue or they just plain don't care. The Gatchaman themselves don't really have a strong sense of leadership, which seems to be by design. Paiman is a poor leader who is bossy and afraid to make decisions, JJ doesn't actually say anything beyond his prophecies, and the other Gatchaman members don't really have an organized system down. That all makes sense.

What doesn't make sense to me is neglecting to have the Mayor and the Fire Marshall play a central role in organizing aid during the emergency at the end of the series. What doesn't make sense to me is a Prime Minister so inept that there is no plausible explanation as to how he got his position in the first place. Maybe my perspective is too coloured by American politics but in my experience someone in a role requiring major responsibility and civic duty knows to project confidence and speak deliberately. Public speaking is an inextricable part of public leadership for most high level positions, so that entire scene with the Prime Minister mumbling in front of a camera for 5 minutes is the effectively Gatchaman tapping reality on the shoulder and saying "Hey realism...SUPLEX!" The Prime Minister in Gatchaman spends several episodes literally moping around. After multiple capital buildings are destroyed the PM makes no televised, streaming, or radio address to Japan until the Gatchamen practically force him to. The mayor, likewise, isn't shown to address the city during or after the attacks on the capital buildings. Where is the organization, where is the communication, where is the, er, leadership? At one point the mayor literally laughs as he rides into the distance on a bicycle during the climax. There are certain qualities that accompany people in positions of power that are essentially required to be able to perform well in an important and public position. You can't wind up in a position of power like that without the ability to at least fake competence. Then again, leadership seems to be a weak point for Gatchaman CROWDS in particular, because there is no strong sense of leadership within any of the groups portrayed in the series. Is that their point maybe? Something something non-central leadership structure? I have no idea, the show is so diffuse with its ideas.

While we're on the subject of non-central leadership, however, let's touch on GALAX. GALAX was used to organize the CROWDS/terrorist forces once Katze took control of 'X'. Once again, the CROWDS users didn't seem to have any sort of actual leadership, which became apparent after the enthusiasm of the initial attacks died down. CROWDS user #23 (I only know his number thanks to Bobduh), the father who moonlighted as a political terrorist, tried to motivate the directionless mob of CROWDS users several weeks (or days?) later to no avail. Honestly this is another section I find confusing. If GALAX allows people to connect to each other, wouldn't it have been relatively easy for #23 to find and connect to other political extremists? Even assuming that Rui blocked #23 from using GALAX completely and not just using CROWDS, when Katze reinvites the previously vetoed individuals, some 24,000 of them if I recall correctly, was there not even a small cadre of like-minded individuals willing to band together? Online a website or app usually manages the organizational systems, so really the only work required of someone who wanted to organize CROWDS attacks would have been to create an incentive. I'd also like to point out that even after the worst is over there doesn't seem to be any concern over finding the individuals who conspired to destroy multiple government buildings, though that could haved just been ignored in the interst of time. Still, not even a passing mention. Regardless, there was obviously still some sort of leadership present within the CROWDS user-base, as is demonstrated when the PM's caravan is attacked by several waves of the CROWDS avatars.

Actually, the PM being attacked while under escort brings me to one final leadership complaint. Whilst CROWDS is attacking the caravan the prime minister, if I recall correctly, shouts something along the lines of "this isn't the time to be worrying about protocol!'. What!? That is precisely the time to be worrying about protocol! Protocol exists to give you a precedent, a series of steps to follow so that even when things break down and go to hell you still have a course of action to follow independent of your own panic and potential lack of communication. A leader exists to determine when it is proper to break from protocol to achieve desired results, which is sometimes necessary especially in times of chaos. Before that point, however, protocol exists to guide actions in the absence of active leadership. Honestly I'm just not sure what to say on this anymore.

The infamous bike riding scene.

A Happy-Go-Lucky State of Emergency Tale.

I tried to stick with Gatchaman CROWDS for a while. I felt that if it could pull just a few things together I could overlook a lot of its flaws, but instead the show came completely unglued with a loud and prolonged flop, like a lasagna slowly falling out of its dish.

During the climax Gatchaman drops all pretense of realism. Even after CROWDS has become a huge problem the towers handling cell-phone communications are never shut down. The building housing X or (and maybe this is a bit presumptuous of me) a server room is never stormed in an attempt to isolate or bring down the GALAX network; traditional cell phone and SMS functions should have still worked, unless I misunderstood GALAX's scope. While we're on the matter of communications, and I admit this is nit-picky, but during the height of the emergency when everyone was trying out their new CROWDS ability, I highly doubt that the mobile network could have performed without issue. In fact it is quite a common occurrence in real life for cell phone networks to perform sluggishly or fail to connect during or immediately after major disasters.

The entire emergency event is where the series really could have benefited from a greater sense of realism in order to emphasize the gravity of the situation and contrast the fantastical power of the Gatchamen. Instead the show breaks down into this surreal almost 'merry adventure' state in the midst of what should be a justifiably terrifying experience. Let's begin from the scene where the PM is attacked while with his JSDF escort. The Gatchamen show up out of nowhere, which to be fair is standard fare for a super-hero series, so Gatchaman gets a free pass on that one. However Gatchaman CROWDS wastes no time in setting that free pass on fire and warming its hands on it and the glowing embers of realism. Apparently sometime between moping around and showing up to save the PM the Gatchamen figured out a way to stun users out of the CROWDS ability without putting them in a coma. An awfully convenient development considering that there wasn't any foreshadowing or discussion about such a discovery earlier. I rather think the story would have been much more interesting if the Gatchamen were forced to contend with the coma issue without an apparent solution. Also in the same scene was an event that seemed innocuous enough at the time but later began to grate on me. Hajime decides that the Gatchamen should reveal themselves so she does the 'Amnesia Remind' thing so everyone can see them, which also means everyone can see the CROWDS. I didn't think anything of it at the time...until several episodes later I suddenly began to wonder to myself why everyone throughout the city could see the CROWDS. Wait, I thought, just what is the range on 'Amnesia Remind'? Is it city-wide? How long does it last? Are the Gatchamen using the ability off screen throughout the entire event? Could people not actually see many of the CROWDS until they started using the CROWDS ability as well? Did the CROWDS remain permanently visible after the major conflict? Such a small detail but whether intentional or not it raises a lot of questions such as how things might have turned out different had the CROWDS remained invisible.

Later in the story, in the midst of the central conflict I just gave up trying to be invested. The disaster and defense teams seem to be completely useless without the help of the GALAX system, despite the fact that low-tech solutions have often been remarkably effective in emergencies. Then again that's in the real world which doesn't seem to have much bearing in Gatchaman, which completely negates how amazing GALAX is supposed to be. OZ in Summer Wars was impressive and effective because it demonstrated the reach and power of such a system in the context of the real world. Without the real world as context the effectiveness of GALAX feels forced and unnatural. People unnaturally flock to the CROWDS games in Gatchaman and compete for points during the attacks as if that somehow negates the severity of the situation. Think about it, hundreds of individuals competing to reunite families, provide food, and assist in various other ways for personal gain, although said personal gain is merely virtual credit and some measure of recognition. I can easily see more harm than good coming from such a situation. Not to mention I don't see the need for GALAX to motivate people as shared strife is a powerful motivator for cooperation and selflessness. Then there is the matter of how dangerous the CROWDS are in general. There has to be hundreds of thousands, if not millions in collateral damage from the CROWDS by the end of the series. We witness the CROWDS bodies flipping cars and, through combined effort, destroying government buildings and the avatars are easily four times the size of an average person. The damage these CROWDS things could do to a person, and completely on accident mind you, is catastrophic. Throw into the mix that they may or may not be invisible and the likelihood of such an incident sky-rockets. (I rewatched some of the final episodes in the hopes of clarifying the invisibility matter but the scenes I saw only left me more confused. Several background texts say things like "and they're invisible....scary!" yet several other scenes clearly suggest that the CROWDS are visible, such as a news footage of a CROWDS covered building with no apparent damage, and people scattering out of the way of wrestling CROWDS. Wtf!?) My point being, there is no consistency, there is no sense of danger, and jumping back to a previous paragraph- the characters aren't developed enough for their 'moments' to have any real impact. I'm so confused as to how such a well-animated series could get so bad.

 In the end I'm very disappointed. Nonetheless I'll probably still watch INSIGHT just to see if Gatchaman is consistent about being bad, and because I'm wondering more than ever what garnered this series such good reviews. Let me know your own thoughts in the comments.













Saturday, January 2, 2016

Things I Hate #7 - Pretty Ladies and Old Men


I absolutely intended to do another one of these a lot sooner, but I admit to getting distracted by a long anime post that kind of took on a life of its own. What originally started off as a short review where I could bitch about Gatchaman CROWDS grew into a monstrous rant and I wasn't sure where to stop. I thought about cutting it down, scrapping the entire thing with the intention of rewriting something significantly smaller but I decided instead to just trim the monster post to make it more concise (aka. Coming Soon!). So long story short, that's why I haven't posted anything in a while.

Well that was a long-winded opening...  LET'S MAKE FUN OF ADS NOW, WAHOO!


1. IBM Cloud Technology is Changing How Music Is ...
Damn you unholy IBM/Taboola alliance! You did this on purpose! Now, it's apparent that the title to the article is cut off, but what might not be as apparent is that this was done on purpose. On porpoise!? I don't believe! Okay, you probably do believe, but regardless it's one of the more irksome and fiendish marketing tactics. Letting the sentence trail off is not only bullshit, it's cruel and unusual. By nature most of us want to know what comes next, even if we wouldn't normally care all that much. The mystery is enticing, what got cut off? Changing how music is what IBM, changing how music is WHAT? Distributed? Sold? Stored? Managed? The reasonable possibilities are finite endless! Regardless it's not worth link chasing to find out. If it's big news you'll be able to find it by browsing a reputable site dealing in science/technology new. Chance's are it's not going to affect you much unless you are in the IT or music industry. (Pro Tip: What makes me so confident about this article being purposely deceitful with the name? Well on reputable sites if the name is shortened you can view the full article name just by hovering over the link. The alt-text that pops up will usually contain the full article title.)


2. The Spending Mistake You're Constantly Makin...
Wait, what? The Huffington Post? What's the Huffington Post doing on a Taboola ad? Do they know about this? Hold on, I need to check this out. Hmm, nope....nope. Not that one. This one maybe? Is this a misdirect? Huffington Post is definitely spelled correctly but at the very least there is no article by the exact title listed above. Once again the picture is completely misleading, it's some woman drinking wine, which I doubt is closely related to finances. Stop buying gifts and going out for fancy dinners over wine and candle light, instant profit! Are they going for sex appeal once again?  Now that I mention it...every picture above features either a relatively young woman or an old man in black and white. Creepy. My search also turned up an article on the Huff Post relating to a wine club which I checked out, admittedly due to the pic above. So possibly the ad above is a shameless plug for a sell-out article on Huff Post which is essentially giving lip service to a new wine club.  Man the world of skeazy internet marketing is a dark and twisted web of deception and low-hanging fruit. Also, come on Taboola! Argh, you could have easily fit the last 'g' that you needed if you had omitted your precious ". . ." (It's just like when someone starts a pair of parenthesis and doesn't end it!


3. Celebrities We Lost Respect for in 2013
I've done this one before but let's revisit for a moment. I've ranted before about how I don't understand the hyper-focus on the lives of celebrities, why we want to pry into their lives. So let's set that aside and talk about the nature of respect (always a fun-filled and comedic topic). Yeah, you can theoretically lose respect for someone you've never met, but you are making a pre-judgment based on second hand information. Is that really any basis for determining whether or not you respect someone? Can you really decide whether or not you actually respect someone until you've met them in person? You can decide whether or not you respect a person's actions but there are a lot of motivations behind people's actions so creating a list of Celebrities We Lost Respect For is not only a blanket judgment that is already making a lot of assumptions about our basis for determining respect, but is also based upon a second hand source itself. So you are receiving third hand information essentially asking you to direct your ire toward people you have never met based on information that is not likely to present a well-rounded account of that individual's life. Besides, if you really want to lose respect for someone there are enough politicians for everyone.


4. Buffet's Empire Is In Peril... And He Knows It
These always make me laugh, kind of like "Buy Gold Now!" ads. This is pure fantasy bordering on wishful thinking. The ad reeks of a shameless grab playing on alarmist paranoia, or of a conspiratorial whisper in your ear. Guess what, one of the wealthiest business empires in the world is about the collapse! Cash in now! Shift investments! Stock market chaos! This ad even features a picture of Buffet looking frowny and in grayscale of all things, probably to emphasize the peril his empire is in. Must be really slow peril because I still haven't heard anything about it and it's been well over a year now. I like that word too...peril, not danger, or collapse, or threatened, but peril. Why not, good use of vocabulary. What gets me though is the 'dot dot dot' that appears, for the third time in this ad block I might add, that is completely pointless! What's the point of the pause, dramatic tension!? This is yet another title that should contain a comma not extra periods. What are you trying to tell me Taboola, that if I add enough periods everything is going to be alright? It's not alright! Warren Buffet's empire is going to collapse and I haven't bought enough gold yet, aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


5. 9 Comments That Could Get You Fired
This can't be good, the combination of title and picture scream sexism or just plain absurdity. I mean, what sort of quality content can you expect from an article about 'comments that could get you fired'? Pretty much everything I can think of is either just plain absurd or common sense. "Hey Boss, fuck off!" What do you know, I just came up with a comment that could get you fired! Doesn't seem like it would be hard to come up with 9 bullshit answer for how you could get fired over a comment. Not to mention that it can also depend on your job if you're in the public eye. I'm willing to say that there isn't a single comment of the potential nine that would be either informative or enlightening. You will be neither surprised nor enlightened. Yet, if you're still worried that one of your comments could get you fired I have the ultimate solution. Go into business for yourself. Who's going to fire you for lambasting the cat with the most vile assortment of curses and obscenities for spilling soda on your keyboard, yourself?


6. Economist: Prepare for Massive Wealth Destruc...
Taboola, you're fired. Alright, I've been wanted to do this for a while now, we're doing this Cinemasins style.
- An unnamed 'Economist:' is purveyed as discussing massive wealth destruction, as if knowing that a supposed unidentified economist said this thing that it lends the title credence. (Ding! Sins: 1)
- Title contains 'Massive Wealth Destruction' a vague but alarming statement that doesn't have any basis for suggesting it will actually happen. (Sins: 2)
- Title suggests that we prepare for massive wealth destruction. This ad block was saved sometime during 2014, so...how far in advance are we preparing? Also, given the context, we are preparing for a future event but arguably it could also be for a current event or even a past event if you interpret it as just general advice on how to prepare for a wealth destruction event. (Sins: 3)
- Ad can't be bothered to make title fit within the space limitations of the ad. (Sins: 4)
- Ad has a black and white photo of an old white man. Is this a requirement when forecasting financial doom? (Ding! Sins: 5)
- '...' (Sins: 6)
- I looked up Newsmax because the name sounded familiar; it's a heavily conservative news site. So I typed 'Massive Wealth Destruction' into their search engine (since it's not exactly a common phrase). To my surprise no article by that title came up in the results although the phrase was highlighted in several of the articles. Each of those articles that contained the phrase were actually links to a separate article, the one featured above. Suspicious much? This screams subversive ad article but I pushed on. The article in question is an alarmist fanfiction detailing how many of the worlds top economists are predicting a massive wealth destruction event in 'the immediate future'. The article ends by mentioning there was a video in high demand but that media outlets everywhere have suppressed the video despite the extremely important and alarming information it contains, but for a small price you can have access to the video presented exclusively by Newsmax. Holy shit, how much more scam can you get. +5 sins. (Dddddrrrring! Sins: 11)

For one ad that is an alarming number of sins.
Sentence: Featured in a Taboola ad (for a small fee on Newmax)

Friday, December 18, 2015

Things I Hate #6 - A Complete Marketing Trainwreck

I find myself exhausted and possibly sick as Christmas and New Year's day quickly approach, but I think I can still find the energy to beat-up on some of these ridiculous ads. Who knows, the effect might even be therapeutic. I'm looking forward to this set in particular because the absurdity and laziness seems to have been cranked up to 11 this time (barring the one repeat).


1. 3 Early Signs to Watch For as Mom and Dad Age
*Announcer voice* 3 early signs to watch for as Mom and Dad age into PUZZLE MASTERS, transcending mere 'professional puzzler' to compete with puzzle grand masters! Silliness aside, that title is incredibly vague if you stop and think about it. You know what it's alluding to but you are never actually given any context for the early signs of what you are watching for. As such, I'd like to posit that, based on the associated image, that you are supposed to watch for signs that "Mom and Dad" are becoming addicted to puzzles. First it's Word Search, then Crossword, then next thing you know it's 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles, and those wood and metal brain teasers that no one ever actually figures out. (Until now!)


2. Please Don't Retire At 62. Here's Why.
Dear Motley Fool, I appreciate your attempted use of punctuation on the internet, as it is all too often completely glossed over, but I'm afraid you might have misunderstood how the period works. You see, a period is supposed to end a thought, subject, or idea. As such the first period should be a comma and the second period should be a colon. Seriously, using a period isn't that hard. While I'm on the subject, (line) (oh yeah, nailed that pun) is it just me or is the title referring to something that is mostly common knowledge? You can retire at 62 but you won't receive full benefits. I believe the actual full-benefits retirement age is hovering somewhere around 67 years old at present. So if that's the article what's the point of the ad? Cheap click bait to hopefully draw them to other articles on Motley Fool? Is the retirement age thing not well-known? I definitely didn't think it a secret. Also what's with the picture? Is he regretting his poor life choice of retiring early? Or that fact that his face is several shades redder than the rest of his body?


3. 10 Celebs You Didn't Know Were Black
Oh my god! How hard is it to use "celebrities"!? I know it's 5 extra letters but it's clear you have a fairly lenient character limit because the ad directly beneath this one is about a third longer. And as for the article's subject matter how...? I mean, let me just put this out here, if you are black, physically, not metaphorically, that means that you are somewhere between dark and black on the spectrum. And if just one of your parents is black, again, I'm talking skin pigmentation, it might be a bit debatable whether or not your skin colour falls in the black spectrum. But if you are "black", as in physical skin characteristic, you can't not know, unless you're also blind. You can't just use a picture of a white girl (as was done above) and say, "Bet you didn't know she's black." She's not! I'm looking at her right now. Go ahead and tell me she has African American heritage, that her father is Jamaican or her mother is from the Grenadine Islands, but I'm not going to accept this "I can't believe I never knew they were black." nonsense the article is trying to purvey. Honestly.


4. 10 Trends Men Hate
Well if you're here you already know one thing I hate, but I'd wager that it's not on their list. I wonder if those really high jeans are on the list though. I don't hate them I just think they look really awkward. If I was a woman I definitely wouldn't wear those. While we're on the subject of things I hate though, I'd like to point out that I hate articles like this in particular. They are rarely representative of things that I, as a male, hate. In fact I'd say most of the things I hate are pretty representative of a lot of people, not just men. I hate things like nails on a chalk board, people changing lanes without bothering to use their goddamn turn signal, and losing progress in a game due to a glitch. So I get the feeling that a 10 things men hate list is going to be incredibly sexist or completely generic. I looked up a few similar lists only to prove myself 100% right on the three I randomly chose. What can I say, it's a gift.


5. There Are 7 Types of English Surnames - Which One Is Yours?
I'm gonna pass on this one since I just did a nearly identically titled one in Things I Hate #5.
I will say one thing though. "Which One Is Yours": None of them if you aren't English. My ancestry is mostly a mix of French and German so guess I'm out of luck.


6. Ditch Your Old CPAP. See What You've Been Missing.
Oh man, this one is a complete train wreck, I'm gonna' have some fun with this. Let's start with the easiest target, the photo, which features a terribly photo-shopped CPAP pasted over a picture of a pretty woman. Were they trying to take the sex-appeal approach to marketing CPAPs? That's like trying to sell a nebulizer by taking pictures of models using it. You can't make this shit sexy, why are you even trying?! Even if you could I'd argue that your talents are being senselessly squandered. (By the way, I looked it up just be sure but a CPAP is used in treatment of sleep apnea - it provides positive pressure to the respiratory system to help keep the airways open. The more you know!) Next off, I highly doubt that CPAP systems are the sort thing that people see and are like: "You know I think I want to go shopping for a new CPAP on an random web link." I don't even remember where I got this ad block but I guarantee it wasn't on a medical site. Correct me if I'm wrong but I highly doubt these are hot-ticket items. I just can't see people clamoring to have the latest and greatest CPAP like it's a new Apple iPhone. Last, I'd like to note that I love how the awkward-as-hell photoshop job makes the woman look like she has a Groucho Marx mustache and bushy eyebrows. Wait, could that have been their tactic? Were they trying to make something so bad it was good? Bum bum BUM~!

No. No they were not. They're just terrible at their job. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Things I Hate #5 - An Educational Rant

 
Man I'm terrible about consistently updating. Not that that's really the point of this particular blog, but still, I like writing and it's sad to see that It's been like 3 weeks since I last wrote anything. This blog is supposed to be my "whatever, whenever" platform so that I don't feel overly pressured about writing, which works out great but it also means I don't feel particularly rushed to update. That's still better than feeling obligated to update and stressing myself out over it though.
 
And speaking of stress, I feel like relieving a little by beating up on one of the internet's easiest and sleaziest of targets: Hook-grab Cash-in Ads. Taboola, you're my favorite punching bag.
 

1. There Are 7 Types of English Last Names - Which One Is Yours?
Ah, Ancestry.com, we meet again. It seems the draw this time is to find out a little more about your last name, specifically what 'type' of last name. Honestly I'm already a little confused. How can you have a different type of last name? Like, is it the origin of the name? Or is it different formats? I'm getting a strong 'misuse of vocabulary' vibe from the title. Also the picture strongly implies that whatever is featured in the article stems back to the middle ages. There is just one problem with this. I know from my Dad's own genealogy research that names, even last names have a tendency to slowly warp and change over time. In my very own family tree I can see how the family name was modified bit by bit so that, by the time I reach the top of the family tree (as far as we have discovered) our last name was vastly different. So, aside from the obvious bait to get you interested in your genealogy so that you start thinking that "Hey, maybe I should get an Ancestry.com membership!", the article, by nature, will only be able to give you vague suggestions about where your last name actually came from. And that's assuming that you are correct in assuming your English heritage.


2. 88 Year Old Yoga Teacher Shares Her Secret to Never Ending Energy
Oho, Athletic Greens, wants to show us how to access unlimited energy! They will show us how to eat veggies, swallow supplements, and do Yoga! Yay! Okay, first off, this article is already making an unspoken promise. It's saying, "Look at this 88 year old Yoga teacher in this picture. You can look great at 88 and tap into boundless energy now!" (Note that there is no guarantee that the picture featured actually is the yoga teacher in question.) Of course this isn't a complete scam, there are things that can be done that are likely to increase your energy and most of them are pretty easy. Athletic Greens could even deliver on those fronts but I guarantee it would be for a price, a clearly visible and tempting price that would be right next to an article about a Yoga teacher who looks and feels great and wants to spread the message that "You can feel this way too". Here's my grain of salt though, if you're over the age of 20 life is going to be tiring, at least in some way. In a lot of ways the mere existence of this ad is a slap in the face to how difficult it actually is to have energy as a working adult, as many things are beyond your control. In order to have never-ending energy you need to combine as many of the following things as possible: eat well, drink plenty of water, get plenty of uninterrupted sleep, socialize with close friends and/or family on a semi-regular basis, exercise (very important for energy), don't drink too much caffeine, work a job you can enjoy or are at least proud of, make time for something creative or involving in your life (something relaxing; a hobby basically), and make sure that you have enough money to live comfortably with at least a modest savings** (extremely important for all but the most money-averse.) I'd find the article and spoil what the actual secret is but then I'd feel dirty for actually being drawn to the site. So let's just say the real secret is that there is no secret.


3. (July 2014) New "Rule" Has Drivers Furious & Shocked...
I hate these ads in particular. Also, if you noticed the date you can see how long I've been collecting these stupid ads now. Funny story, I first started saving pictures of the ads because I felt less inclined to click their dirty links when I did. I actually have a folder of about 50 or so ad blocks like the one above. Anyways, getting back to the picture, the particular brand of absurdity in these ads drives me nuts. Nothing has been happening that is making drivers "Furious and Shocked" except for freak accidents like a chunks of exploded whale meat landing on cars. Also, why is "rule" in quotes? Is it not actually a rule? Is it a law? A guideline? Another BS policy that an insurance company came up with? And the most absurd part is that the antique car in the picture is circled like it actually has something to do with the article. That particular car. Apparently the classic car ahead of it is unaffected by what Insurance.Comparisons.org wants to tell us about. I'm not interested though, and not just for the obvious reasons. This type of ad is, apparently, effective because I still see shit like this almost a year and a half later. Guess I was fine not knowing about this outrageous "rule".  (Unrelated, but did you know that in some areas that antique and classic cars with historical/antique plates can only be driven for specific reasons? It's why you don't see many on the road on a regular basis.)


4. 20 Disney Starlets Then & Now [PHOTOS!]
This is already a bad sign: Perez Hilton is the name of the site? Something reeks of minimal effort and the lowest common denominator. For one the premise is Disney starlets and photos. I'm not sure whether the article is intended to be an actual showcase of then and now or a chance to parade about pictures of disgraced child stars. Given that Disney has a reputation for corrupting childhood stars with early fame I'm inclined to say the latter. A narrow sliver of another image can be seen in the picture above, suggesting that had we followed the link we'd see a number of child stars (starlets, so...I'm gonna assume all girls) next to highly sexualized young women. Not really sure what to do with this one, so I'll try and summarize my thoughts as succinctly as possible. The link and the article are both perpetuating the continued exploitation of an actor that began as a child. Those child stars are (I'm assuming) all adults now though and it's their choice if they want to be overtly sexual or public about their lives. However comparing pictures of naïve young disneyfied teens next to their adult selves implies a sort of corruption even though it's a very natural progression. Although, admittedly it's a different thing if they got into drugs, were complete ego-centric assholes to everyone around themselves, and their life fell into a spiral of defeat, but regardless my first point still stands (that exploitation put them there).


5. 5 Ingredients 1 Delicious Meal
Seems straightforward enough. I only have to ask, why choose this site? There are tons of recipe sites all over the internet from allrecipes.com to Pinterest. (Not to mention an endless ocean of food blogs.) Also, I'm gonna take a wack at the recipe shown above cause why not. Someone let me know how it turns out.

Ingredients
1 - 3lbs. of any type of steak
1 can of corn
1 can diced tomatoes (3 if using those tiny cans)
1 can of kidney beans
1 large can of Hunt's tomato sauce

-Cook steak in pan over medium heat with a little oil.
-In separate pot begin to boil can of tomato sauce and one can's worth of water.
-Once pot is boiling reduce to simmer (Med - High).
-Add cans of corn, kidney beans and diced tomatoes. Cook 10 minutes.
-Add meat and simmer for 1 minute more.
-Serve in large bowls. I'm guessing it could serve 1-4 people depending on how hungry they are. Add whatever spices you think would be good. I suggest basil, oregano, or a southwest spice mix.


6. The Secret to the Best Vanilla Ice Cream
This was in the last one so you could always just read that one. Or you can read the condensed version here:

The Secret: Run to the store and pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's or Coldstone's vanilla ice cream.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Things I Hate #4 - Pond Scum in the Form of Internet Ads

If you happened to catch my previous 'Things I Hate' then you know what's to follow. If not then you should know that I hate sponsored ads that try to disguise themselves as on-site content and this is me getting back at them in some small way. This isn't simply about deceptive marketing, however, this is also my chance to rant, rave, gripe, and cynicize (it's a word if I want it to be) about some of these ridiculous ads and, perhaps, society in general.

Railing ineffectually in 3....2....1...



1. Little Known Way to Pay Off Mortgage
This ad. If I keep doing the Things I Hate posts you'll see many different variations of this ad and I hate them in particular. Oh really!? A new way to pay of mortgage? You mean, besides time and money!? Oh PLEASE Daily Mortgage Monitor tell me how I might suddenly just pay off a loan that is usually measured in decades. Does it involve refinancing? How about consolidation? See, the thing I hate about the mortgage ads is that there isn't some miracle cure for debt, and that's exactly what Taboola is are hoping people assume when they word it as seen above. Like there is some secret that most people overlook. Unless you have your fingers deep into the world of finance you are probably already doing what's best for you. If you wanted more manageable payments you already refinanced, or decided that the interest over time wasn't worth the trade off. If you can make extra payments just on principle, then you probably already do. About the best I'd expect from clicking this ad is a refinance form or an advice column with such useful gems as Befriend Someone Wealthy or Cash in those Stocks.


2. Controversial "Skinny Pill" Takes Country By Storm
NO. JUST NO. There is no such thing as a skinny pill! This is complete BS! There are pills that supposedly help you lose weight if you are already exercising and watching your calories, such as Hydroxycut, but there is no pill that is just going to help you magically drop 30 pounds without some serious adverse affects. I know from past experience, the only thing that is really going to help you lose weight is diet and exercise. It's not what you want to hear. It's not what anyone wants to hear. You want to shell out the money and lose weight the easy way. There IS NO EASY way though. The skinny pill is a lie and Trending Lifestyles could choke down pills like a depressed Philosophy student and the only weight loss they'd experience would be from vomiting. Or maybe from a nutrition deficit from are eating that many pills. Don't even get me started on the taken-by-storm part. The only way stuff like this takes off is because mornings shows are paid the big bucks to discuss the BS 'next big breakthrough in weight loss pills' or some similar tripe.


3. Why You Should Color Your Gray at Home
eSalon, you make this too easy. First off, what grey hair? Two, why would I want to color my grey hair? I bet it will make me look distinguished. I could be the mysterious gentleman with the long grey hair, steeped in the pale rays of the moon...a rose gripped gently but firmly between my teeth and-- Er...whoops. Haha...ha..*ahem*. Right, number three, am I supposed to believe that the lady in the picture has more than a dozen grey hairs? She looks pretty young. Oh Snap! That's what they wanted you to think so you would say to yourself, maybe all I need to do is dye my hair...? I'm getting off topic though. This is about why you're supposed to dye it at home. Well you know what, screw that. Go to that salon, it's your night out after all. Treat yourself and dye your hair whatever color you want. Hell, dye your blond hair TO grey. You'll look distinguished.


4. Everything You Need to Know About Surface Pro 3
Everything I need to know about the what-now? *Googles* Oh, it's a tablet designed to be as capable as a laptop. That's pretty cool. Now, see what happened there? I looked up what I wanted to know and, oh my gosh what a coincidence, found out everything I wanted to know. Maybe therein lies the difference, however. I wanted to know. (This site offers a good point-by-point.) The Taboola ad needs you to need to know. The information is a necessity. You must know it, you must needs buy this Microsoft product right away- need to know more, must buy! Wait. Oh ho ho....what's this?
Mircosoft
So definitely not Microsoft. Well, well, well, Mircosoft. Very sneaky, what were you hoping to accomplish there? Trying to cash-in on Microsoft's good reputation? You know, I'd call you some of the worst advertising scum out there but, you know, I've gotten so used to spam and cheap ads using slightly off names that you're just a nuisance now. All those emails from Bliizzard.com telling me my account has been compromised served as good practice. So, yeah Mircosoft, you just sit there and think about what you've done. You should feel bad. In the mean time I'm going to label this as SCAM.


5. Angelina Jolie's Changing Looks
Er....it's called the aging process? It's a pretty normal thing. Yeah... Preeeeetty common.
So here we have another example of a cheap site trying to make a quick buck on a celebrity. I...I don't even have the energy for these. InStyle.com, I mean, what are you expecting? Anything? Some kind of standard of quality? Hold on, let me put my LCD screen to my forehead, I'm making a prediction....it's coming to me now: I see a...a shitty website...filled with advertisements...and...and a dozen pictures of dubious quality stolen from around the internet. Most are likely to be Angelina Jolie but several pictures are questionable. One is...just a picture of hair with some eyebrows at the bottom edge. Every picture has terrible and un-insightful commentary. I 100% made all that up but if anyone gets around to checking it let me know how many I got right. I'm gonna call 4/5 on this.


6. The Secret to the Best Vanilla Ice Cream
Food Network. Huh, what's Food Network doing advertising with Taboola? I wonder sometimes if the Taboola people sometimes just stick a random semi-reputable site in together with all the craptastic ones so that there is something recognizable there. Anyhow, you don't want to click that link (it's a picture, you can't anyways mwahahahaha) you want to hear me tell you my secret to the best vanilla ice cream? Drive any place that sells decent ice cream and pick up a pint of vanilla ice cream. I recommend Ben and Jerry's or Coldstone. Trust me on this. You'll make home made vanilla ice cream like, twice. It's a ton of work and it never turns out as good as the nicer stuff from the store. Certainly doesn't keep as well either.


Let me know about your own advertising nemesis or personal pet peeves in the comments. Or maybe just say hi. Or alternatively you can complain about me. No, it's cool. I understand. It's fine. I don't mind. Okay maybe a little. But you do what you have to do. I'm fine.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Things I Hate #3 - History Repeating

I hate sponsored ads. Once upon a time I raged about a series of Taboola ads, much like the ones below, on Facebook. Now, for some reason, I am about to do so for a 3rd time. So join me once as I complain and rant and go off on tangents.
 



1. Should Auctions be Banned? TaylorMade Drivers Have Sold for Less Than $12
I'm really not sure where to begin with this one, just of out sheer incredulity. Reading the title alone made me feel like I took one of those <$12 TaylorMade drivers upside the head. First off, the whole appeal of auctions is that you have the potential to get something for far below market price. Granted, you have to get pretty lucky to do so, but the possibility exists. That said, call me skeptical when I see an ad by Quibids mention an outrageously low bid on a driver the typically goes for (pardon me a sec while I check a reputable auction site) $75 to $399. Again, buying something far below cost, it could happen, but you need to get really lucky. This whole business about auctions being banned though? What is this nonsense? It's pure shock tactics aimed to get you to click. Auctions don't put people out of business. If someone is selling items below cost it's probably second hand anyways otherwise you'd be out of business in weeks. And last, these things tend to stabilize over time because if you can't afford to sell at a low price in the long run *gasp* the price goes up.


2. A Smart Way to Pay Off Mortgage
Make one additional payment a month so that you are paying on principal instead of just interest. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I just gave out sensible advice that wasn't related to a scam in any way. Damn! I'm really bad at this. On the plus side that picture of the dollar bill ring is pretty cool though, right?


3. 10 Rappers Who Lost Their Riches
The amount of attention given to celebrities never ceases to astound me, even if I've come to expect it. So it doesn't surprise me to see another up-and-coming site trying to make some cash on the celebrity ticket. I think the really disappointing thing with this particular sponsored ad is that there are enough rappers who lost their riches to justify creating a Top 10 list. I try not to think about the amount of money that some people blow on completely pointless things. Do you know how hard it is to blow large sums of money if you have even a modicum of sense and restraint? I calculated what I could buy with 1 million dollars once and it included a sizeable house, two new cars, the elimination of all our debts, a bachelor's degree cost equivalent of education (4 years of education basically) for both my wife and I, as well as 4 years without working. Even using overblown estimates and calculating college costs using our current outrageously high tuition rates I'd still have $160,000 left-over AFTER 4 YEARS OF COLLEGE AND NOT WORKING. So, no HipHopMyWay even if you were a reputable site, which I refuse to believe you are, that link is: Not. Worth. My. Time.


4. 11 Surprising Skills Your Great-Grandparents Had That You Don't
If you read my previous Things I Hate this entry might look a little familiar to you. So rather than repeat myself I'll just let you in on a little secret. Originally one of the things I was going to lambast this ad for was the picture. This is just a wild guess but it looks to me like the people in the photo are a couple from the Great Depression/dustbowl era and my immediate reaction was that those would be grandparents not great-grandparents. Of course then I realized that they would have been kids at best during the depression and assumed that the picture was right. Upon even closer inspection though, I've just realized that if the people in the picture were that old during the depression that would probably make them Great-great-grandparents. So hah! Skewered again ancestry.com!


5. Top 10 Cancer Causing Foods You Eat Everyday
Okay, honestly. What the fuck is up with that picture? Are those octopus legs on skewers? Food doesn't have to look like it crawled onto your plate and died a slow Shakespearian death for it to be cancer causing. Now, before I get to what actually does cause cancer, so you won't be tempted to look up the article posted by the flagitious fools that are whatever NaturalON is, I'd like to point out the obvious conflict of interest here. By the way, I love how easy it is to tell what type of marketing tactic or scam is going on simply by the name. There are those who are so good at marketing that its hard to tell where the content ends and the ad begins, and then there is NaturalON or Quibids or whatever other bare minimum effort name they could come up with. Anyways, NaturalON very clearly wants to sell you some sort of natural alternatives that aren't going to give you super-cancer. Here's the thing though there are tons of foods that increase your risk of cancer. I won't get into the specifics of how cancer works but basically any food with char on it would fit the bill of "cancer causing". So grilled meats can 'give' you cancer. Grilled veggies can give you cancer. Cooking on a traditional grill period can give you cancer. Red meat is believed to give you cancer and the same for alcohol. Teflon coated cooking pans can give you cancer. Exposure to car oil or gasoline can give you cancer. The sun can give you cancer. Diesel exhaust can give you cancer. Cleaning chemicals and fire retardants and a wide variety of other chemicals can give you cancer. Smoking can give you ultracancer. And smoke inhalation of any other sort (campfire, bad cooking, incense smoke, etc.) is certain to give you cancer. Basically there is a lot of stuff that can 'give' you cancer (although that terminology is flawed) but as long as you try and balance it by generally staying healthy you'll probably be fine. So let's just ignore these 10 Cancer Causing Foods and move on shall we?


6. 8 Celebs Who Have Severe Illnesses
I'm not gonna completely redo this one again since it happened to also be in Things I Hate #1 on Facebook. I'll give you the highlights though:
  • Why was celebrities shortened to "Celebs"!? You have more than enough space as evidenced by nearly every other article name in the block!
  • Famous black actor is featured in the picture for an article that probably isn't related to him in any way.
  • Why do we care so much about these celebrities? Don't we have better things to be doing?
  • Yes, lets pry into the personal lives of 'celebs' because they're definitely not people. Which is a good thing because that frees us from having to worry about HIPAA or disseminating information that the individual might not necessarily want going around.
  • Also, is it just me or are those sunglasses totally shooped?
Thanks for sticking with me yet again. Post your favorite gripes about me or your most hated sponsored ads in the comments below!