I find myself exhausted and possibly sick as Christmas and New Year's day quickly approach, but I think I can still find the energy to beat-up on some of these ridiculous ads. Who knows, the effect might even be therapeutic. I'm looking forward to this set in particular because the absurdity and laziness seems to have been cranked up to 11 this time (barring the one repeat).
1. 3 Early Signs to Watch For as Mom and Dad Age
*Announcer voice* 3 early signs to watch for as Mom and Dad age into PUZZLE MASTERS, transcending mere 'professional puzzler' to compete with puzzle grand masters! Silliness aside, that title is incredibly vague if you stop and think about it. You know what it's alluding to but you are never actually given any context for the early signs of what you are watching for. As such, I'd like to posit that, based on the associated image, that you are supposed to watch for signs that "Mom and Dad" are becoming addicted to puzzles. First it's Word Search, then Crossword, then next thing you know it's 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles, and those wood and metal brain teasers that no one ever actually figures out. (Until now!)
2. Please Don't Retire At 62. Here's Why.
Dear Motley Fool, I appreciate your attempted use of punctuation on the internet, as it is all too often completely glossed over, but I'm afraid you might have misunderstood how the period works. You see, a period is supposed to end a thought, subject, or idea. As such the first period should be a comma and the second period should be a colon. Seriously, using a period isn't that hard. While I'm on the subject, (line) (oh yeah, nailed that pun) is it just me or is the title referring to something that is mostly common knowledge? You can retire at 62 but you won't receive full benefits. I believe the actual full-benefits retirement age is hovering somewhere around 67 years old at present. So if that's the article what's the point of the ad? Cheap click bait to hopefully draw them to other articles on Motley Fool? Is the retirement age thing not well-known? I definitely didn't think it a secret. Also what's with the picture? Is he regretting his poor life choice of retiring early? Or that fact that his face is several shades redder than the rest of his body?
3. 10 Celebs You Didn't Know Were Black
Oh my god! How hard is it to use "celebrities"!? I know it's 5 extra letters but it's clear you have a fairly lenient character limit because the ad directly beneath this one is about a third longer. And as for the article's subject matter how...? I mean, let me just put this out here, if you are black, physically, not metaphorically, that means that you are somewhere between dark and black on the spectrum. And if just one of your parents is black, again, I'm talking skin pigmentation, it might be a bit debatable whether or not your skin colour falls in the black spectrum. But if you are "black", as in physical skin characteristic, you can't not know, unless you're also blind. You can't just use a picture of a white girl (as was done above) and say, "Bet you didn't know she's black." She's not! I'm looking at her right now. Go ahead and tell me she has African American heritage, that her father is Jamaican or her mother is from the Grenadine Islands, but I'm not going to accept this "I can't believe I never knew they were black." nonsense the article is trying to purvey. Honestly.
4. 10 Trends Men Hate
Well if you're here you already know one thing I hate, but I'd wager that it's not on their list. I wonder if those really high jeans are on the list though. I don't hate them I just think they look really awkward. If I was a woman I definitely wouldn't wear those. While we're on the subject of things I hate though, I'd like to point out that I hate articles like this in particular. They are rarely representative of things that I, as a male, hate. In fact I'd say most of the things I hate are pretty representative of a lot of people, not just men. I hate things like nails on a chalk board, people changing lanes without bothering to use their goddamn turn signal, and losing progress in a game due to a glitch. So I get the feeling that a 10 things men hate list is going to be incredibly sexist or completely generic. I looked up a few similar lists only to prove myself 100% right on the three I randomly chose. What can I say, it's a gift.
5. There Are 7 Types of English Surnames - Which One Is Yours?
I'm gonna pass on this one since I just did a nearly identically titled one in Things I Hate #5.
I will say one thing though. "Which One Is Yours": None of them if you aren't English. My ancestry is mostly a mix of French and German so guess I'm out of luck.
6. Ditch Your Old CPAP. See What You've Been Missing.
Oh man, this one is a complete train wreck, I'm gonna' have some fun with this. Let's start with the easiest target, the photo, which features a terribly photo-shopped CPAP pasted over a picture of a pretty woman. Were they trying to take the sex-appeal approach to marketing CPAPs? That's like trying to sell a nebulizer by taking pictures of models using it. You can't make this shit sexy, why are you even trying?! Even if you could I'd argue that your talents are being senselessly squandered. (By the way, I looked it up just be sure but a CPAP is used in treatment of sleep apnea - it provides positive pressure to the respiratory system to help keep the airways open. The more you know!) Next off, I highly doubt that CPAP systems are the sort thing that people see and are like: "You know I think I want to go shopping for a new CPAP on an random web link." I don't even remember where I got this ad block but I guarantee it wasn't on a medical site. Correct me if I'm wrong but I highly doubt these are hot-ticket items. I just can't see people clamoring to have the latest and greatest CPAP like it's a new Apple iPhone. Last, I'd like to note that I love how the awkward-as-hell photoshop job makes the woman look like she has a Groucho Marx mustache and bushy eyebrows. Wait, could that have been their tactic? Were they trying to make something so bad it was good? Bum bum BUM~!
No. No they were not. They're just terrible at their job.
1. 3 Early Signs to Watch For as Mom and Dad Age
*Announcer voice* 3 early signs to watch for as Mom and Dad age into PUZZLE MASTERS, transcending mere 'professional puzzler' to compete with puzzle grand masters! Silliness aside, that title is incredibly vague if you stop and think about it. You know what it's alluding to but you are never actually given any context for the early signs of what you are watching for. As such, I'd like to posit that, based on the associated image, that you are supposed to watch for signs that "Mom and Dad" are becoming addicted to puzzles. First it's Word Search, then Crossword, then next thing you know it's 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles, and those wood and metal brain teasers that no one ever actually figures out. (Until now!)
2. Please Don't Retire At 62. Here's Why.
Dear Motley Fool, I appreciate your attempted use of punctuation on the internet, as it is all too often completely glossed over, but I'm afraid you might have misunderstood how the period works. You see, a period is supposed to end a thought, subject, or idea. As such the first period should be a comma and the second period should be a colon. Seriously, using a period isn't that hard. While I'm on the subject, (line) (oh yeah, nailed that pun) is it just me or is the title referring to something that is mostly common knowledge? You can retire at 62 but you won't receive full benefits. I believe the actual full-benefits retirement age is hovering somewhere around 67 years old at present. So if that's the article what's the point of the ad? Cheap click bait to hopefully draw them to other articles on Motley Fool? Is the retirement age thing not well-known? I definitely didn't think it a secret. Also what's with the picture? Is he regretting his poor life choice of retiring early? Or that fact that his face is several shades redder than the rest of his body?
3. 10 Celebs You Didn't Know Were Black
Oh my god! How hard is it to use "celebrities"!? I know it's 5 extra letters but it's clear you have a fairly lenient character limit because the ad directly beneath this one is about a third longer. And as for the article's subject matter how...? I mean, let me just put this out here, if you are black, physically, not metaphorically, that means that you are somewhere between dark and black on the spectrum. And if just one of your parents is black, again, I'm talking skin pigmentation, it might be a bit debatable whether or not your skin colour falls in the black spectrum. But if you are "black", as in physical skin characteristic, you can't not know, unless you're also blind. You can't just use a picture of a white girl (as was done above) and say, "Bet you didn't know she's black." She's not! I'm looking at her right now. Go ahead and tell me she has African American heritage, that her father is Jamaican or her mother is from the Grenadine Islands, but I'm not going to accept this "I can't believe I never knew they were black." nonsense the article is trying to purvey. Honestly.
4. 10 Trends Men Hate
Well if you're here you already know one thing I hate, but I'd wager that it's not on their list. I wonder if those really high jeans are on the list though. I don't hate them I just think they look really awkward. If I was a woman I definitely wouldn't wear those. While we're on the subject of things I hate though, I'd like to point out that I hate articles like this in particular. They are rarely representative of things that I, as a male, hate. In fact I'd say most of the things I hate are pretty representative of a lot of people, not just men. I hate things like nails on a chalk board, people changing lanes without bothering to use their goddamn turn signal, and losing progress in a game due to a glitch. So I get the feeling that a 10 things men hate list is going to be incredibly sexist or completely generic. I looked up a few similar lists only to prove myself 100% right on the three I randomly chose. What can I say, it's a gift.
5. There Are 7 Types of English Surnames - Which One Is Yours?
I'm gonna pass on this one since I just did a nearly identically titled one in Things I Hate #5.
I will say one thing though. "Which One Is Yours": None of them if you aren't English. My ancestry is mostly a mix of French and German so guess I'm out of luck.
6. Ditch Your Old CPAP. See What You've Been Missing.
Oh man, this one is a complete train wreck, I'm gonna' have some fun with this. Let's start with the easiest target, the photo, which features a terribly photo-shopped CPAP pasted over a picture of a pretty woman. Were they trying to take the sex-appeal approach to marketing CPAPs? That's like trying to sell a nebulizer by taking pictures of models using it. You can't make this shit sexy, why are you even trying?! Even if you could I'd argue that your talents are being senselessly squandered. (By the way, I looked it up just be sure but a CPAP is used in treatment of sleep apnea - it provides positive pressure to the respiratory system to help keep the airways open. The more you know!) Next off, I highly doubt that CPAP systems are the sort thing that people see and are like: "You know I think I want to go shopping for a new CPAP on an random web link." I don't even remember where I got this ad block but I guarantee it wasn't on a medical site. Correct me if I'm wrong but I highly doubt these are hot-ticket items. I just can't see people clamoring to have the latest and greatest CPAP like it's a new Apple iPhone. Last, I'd like to note that I love how the awkward-as-hell photoshop job makes the woman look like she has a Groucho Marx mustache and bushy eyebrows. Wait, could that have been their tactic? Were they trying to make something so bad it was good? Bum bum BUM~!
No. No they were not. They're just terrible at their job.
It's so funny when you try to imagine what people in the marketing world are thinking about! I mean, does anyone ever get the inclination to follow any of these links? And the pictures they normally accompany them are just so misleading. I love these posts :D
ReplyDeleteAeriko @ The Reading Armchair
I know, it's absurd right!? I'm glad you enjoy these posts, I have a lot of fun writing them. I'm looking forward to being able to expand into new stuff once I get resettled in a new area.
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