Things I Hate #10 - I Think We Know the Real Answer

Somehow I made it to #10. It only took me like 4 years and several lapses of motivation. And now here you have it, the  masterpiece  stunning  pretty good   mediocre article you've waited for!

1. 7 Credit Cards You Should Not Ignore If You Have Excellent Credit
Let it be known before-hand that I hate credit cards, so obviously I'm biased. I have one credit card and once I pay it off I will never, ever, carry a credit card again. In fact, I have sworn to never take out another loan or use credit again if it is within my power to avoid it. I'm certain that with the money I've paid in interest over the years I would be in a significantly better position than I am currently. With all that said I can't imagine people wanting a collection of credit cards, or even shopping around for credit cards. And I've never heard lines like "You have got to check out this credit card it's amazing."
The ad says these are cards you should not ignore. Sure, you can listen to the ad, but I think you'll be better off if you take my advice ignore them. Ignore them so hard.


2. Little Known Way To Pay Off Mortgage
I've covered this before so I'll keep this short. What kind of method do you think a site called LendingTree is going to suggest you use? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with necromancing. (Hint: It's 'refinancing'.) Not exactly a little known way to pay anything off. Also, really, there is only one way to pay anything off. By putting money into it. By that line of thought the best way to pay something off is to increase your income. It's that simple.


3. What's Inside Slim Jims?
While I must admit this is actually an interesting article idea it's being served by Taboola. My suggestion? Just look up the article title on Google, or Bing, or whatever you use. Although, deep down we already know what's inside Slim Jims: copious fat, sodium, and the last of your self-respect.


4. 4 Items Every Man Shouldn't Leave Home Without This Summer
This article sounds...oddly specific. Like: 5 Nose-hair Trimmers No Woman Should Leave the Office Without This Autumn. Why? I can't imagine anything that I shouldn't leave home without except my phone, and my phone does the work of just about any other electronics I could think to bring. Well, I also bring my wallet. I travel pretty light. Oh, plus I usually bring my keys...and a pen. Come to think of it, the article says 'Items'. The picture is some phone (likely designed by someone recently concussed) implying that the 'Items' are electronics but, really, they could be anything. I'd say I named the items already if it didn't qualify the statement with 'This Summer'. Really? What items should I not leave home without 'This Summer' and This Summer only? Was there a mutant wasp outbreak caused by a solar flare? Oh there was? Oh, okay so the 4 items are wasp spray, radiation pills, spf 200 sunscreen, and a baseball bat for when you run out of wasp spray. Man, that must have been a crazy summer.


5. Hurry up to learn the trick : $30 for an iPad
Sound too good to be true? It isn't! Or, wait, no, I meant is. It IS too good to be true. I checked out one of this style of sites once. They want you to buy credits to bid on specific items, and if you're really lucky maybe you can grab an auction for less than it normally goes for. Like most auction sites though if it's a popular item other people are going to push the price into normal retail value range. Also, keep in mind that you paid upfront for credits to use on the auctions. You paid the auction site up-front. For every 1 guy who wins something on that site there or 20 or 30 who lost and aren't getting their pre-paid credits back. So basically it's a scam. I mean, it seems like it's technically legal, but it's still a big ass scam. There you go- a serious entry. And I only made attempt at being funny.


6. The 6 Worst Cars at the Detroit Auto Show 2013
Wow, look how hopelessly out of date this ad is. It most certainly isn't because I saved this image in 2013 and have been incredibly lazy about posting for going on 4 years. That would just be ridiculous!



Well that's all for this one. This was a rough one for me since there wasn't as much to work with. Hopefully the next one will be up (or down?) to their usual abysmal quality. 

Things I Hate #9 - Finish the Damn Titl...

Behold the monstrous visage of terrible clickbait advertisements. Now let's tear it apart to see what makes it tick. Now who is the real monster?

1. 5 Signs You'll Get Cancer
Let me start of by pointing on that this under-handed ad preys on your fear of vulnerability to cancer. Oh no! I don't want to get cancer I better click this link so I can better protect myself! Although now that I think about it, it says nothing about risks, it just says 5 signs you'll get cancer. Guess that means it's unavoidable and nothing matters anymore. In any case whatever it says is probably utter garbage, a literary sewer back-up presenting the latest pointless health conspiracies. So instead here are my 5 Signs You'll Get Cancer.

• You bath in gasoline.
• You can only enjoy food when it has been charred beyond recognition.
• You feel breathing is too easy by default so you like to keep your home filled with a thick blanket of smoke.
• You can't sleep at night unless your Geiger counter makes a constant soothing click noise.
• You believe that sunscreen does nothing- it's a hoax like global warming. 

2. The 3 Worst Things that Age You Faster (AVOID)

You know, if you are going to capitalize everything else in your title, you might as well get that last word. I hate to admit it, it's technically right, but everything else is capitalized, finish that fucker off. Now, where to start? The picture shows someone exercising, so it seems like they are trying to imply that exercising can in some way make you age faster. Chances are the picture is unrelated though. This is clickbait after all. Also, what's up with the "(AVOID)"? I mean, these are about things that age you faster, do you really need to tell people not to do them? This is an elixir from the Fountain of Infirmity, don't drink it! (AVOID). Duh. More garbage.

3. 10 Crazy Alternate Endings

If this wasn't from Movieseum (wtf is that even) this sounds like it could actually be an interesting article. Although the harsh reality is that most of those endings didn't make it into the final product because they aren't that great. Sometimes an alternate ending can provide insights into characters or details from the movie. Sometimes the alternate ending is dumb or barely distinguishable from the actual ending. Either way, I don't expect a site called Movieseum to provide more than a bare minimum of effort. Certainly nothing engaging is there. And, goddamnit, what have I told you ads about jamming two words together for a site name. You lazy bastards.

4. 16 Exercises You Must Do If You Want To Lose Weig...

Oh how I loathe these types of ads in particular. The mere title perpetuates a common myth that there are exercises that make you lose weight (or target certain areas). There aren't. The short version is that it's entirely dependent on calories in versus calories out. I can give you a better version of whatever article was linked (minus whatever product they are trying to push) just by rearranging the title. Behold: Exercise You Must, If You Want To Lose Weight. Also, seriously fuck this title. Fuck this title in particular. It trails off implying there is more after 'Weight' but they could have just as easily finished writing weight. The title would have still made sense! Seriously, c'mon!

5. 18 Celebrity Hairstyles We Hope To NEVER See Again

A cheap ad-ridden site filled with low-res photos and the occasional absurdly high res photo (for no particular reason) with each picture accompanied by a poorly written snarky comment. That's my guess as to what that link leads to. Oh, and they'll force you to click "Next" for each one. Now, if you've ever read any of my old Things I Hate posts you may know that I care next to nothing about celebrities. My general thought process being 'leave them the hell alone'. So, you know, even if this article was being presented by someplace more reputable than whatever Refinery29 my feelings would still be about the same: The article concept is garbage and I could care less. 

6. You Won't Believe What This Teen Can't Do Whil...

Toyota? Somehow I doubt that is the official Toyota site. Also, let's bullet point this shit because I have a lot to nitpick on this one. 

• The picture depicts someone driving, the site is supposedly Toyota, and the title implies 'While Driving'. Key word being implies. The link probably is something to do with driving but I'm just saying this could just be a big switcharoo.
• Fuck. Just add the goddamn 'e' before the ellipses. 
• I bet I can believe it.
• The trailing title and the picture of a young blonde girl (with her mouth open and an aloof expression) suggest something sexual in nature at the end of the diseased rainbow that is this ad. The content is most certainly not sexual. I'd bet money on it. Their goal is to get you to click, not to be truthful. 
• The picture and the title 'What This Teen Can't Do' combined prey on the stereotype of dumb blondes even though it's likely completely irrelevant. The picture implies that the article concerns a blonde girl. However, aside from the picture (which is frequently misleading) nothing confirms that the article is even about a girl much less a blonde. It says 'Teen'.

Well that's all for now. I'll leave you with this thought for now: Why do I share all this? Well partially to indulge my indignant rage, but also because I don't want you to click on these. The rancid ad-meat of Taboola ad blocks might just go away someday if everyone stops clicking on their shameless links. Also because these crap ads provide much insight into the wider world of ad psychology.