Things I Hate #2 - There is No Number 1 and Here's Why

Number one died in a plane crash. Very tragic.

No? Not taking that one? Okay, well, the truth is actually a lot less interesting. I've been meaning to do a "Things I Hate" series for quite a while now, not necessarily because I truly hate a lot of things. On the contrary, compared to a lot of people I'm sure I come in below average. There is just one thing in particular that really irks me. I hate sponsored ads. I hate them enough to start a "Things I Hate" series about them anyways, the very first of which I posted on Facebook. I'll post it here later. That's why this is #2. What? I told you the truth is a lot less interesting.

I always planned on doing more but Facebook never seemed like the right place and I suspect that a sizeable portion of my friend list doesn't quite 'get' my humour. So, enough stalling, let's get to the good stuff.

The worst offenders among sponsored ads are those that try and sneak their picture in at the bottom of the page pretending to be an on-site link. These links usually have unusual and misleading pictures and sickeningly effective taglines. Taboola is one of the more heinous offenders in this category so be prepared to see a lot of Taboola ads. Now, let's take a look at these ads and let's call them out on what they really are.

Review Order

1 2 3

4 5 6

1. We Reveal The Top 2 Skin Tighteners in 2014

Are skin tighteners really so popular that there needs to be a top # list of them? Actually, I'm all but certain that beauty products, including skin tighteners, are much more popular than I'm actually aware and/or willing to admit. Nonetheless, setting aside my biases toward beauty products, I'm sure the fact that Alleure Instant Wrinkle Reducer is sponsoring this 'top 2 tighteners' list won't in any way affect what ends up on their list. *cough* I guess I'll never know though because I'll never give them the satisfaction of willingly clicking their ad. Also, why top 2? That barely even qualifies as a list! Why not top 4 at the very least? Top 2 isn't even trying.

2. Book Lovers Are Obsessed with This Website

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I am familiar with quite a few book lovers. I started a book blog (please help justify my existence by checking it out) which I'm pretty sure qualifies me, in the eyes of most people, as a book lover and I've never heard of "Bookbub". I also frequented a lot of book blog sites, far more than I ever intended and not once did I ever hear anything about Bookbub. You know what I did hear about? Amazon/Kindle, Barnes&Noble, Google Books, and a few other more niche sites that I can't quite remember.  You know, well known and trusted sites that don't try to pass themselves off as being hugely popular when they are not on the hopes that pretending they are will make them hugely popular. I'd condemn Bookbub on the sole fact that they believe that strategy could work, but this sinking feeling in my gut tells me that some sites probably actually pull this off. Also, here's a hint Bookbub: When someone is actually obsessed they aren't going to stop talking about it.

3. Celebrities We Lost Respect for in 2013

We still had some respect for celebrities? I kid, I kid. It's just that I don't follow celebrities, it's not my thing. There are only a handful of them that I actually care enough about to learn more about them, and certainly none that I feel inclined to 'follow' in any way. Whether that be creating a Twitter account (nevah!) and awaiting their 140 character maximum witticisms or just being more inclined to read articles about them. So not only is this article lost on me but I'm also sure that even if I was interested that the article on MadameNoir is of dubious quality. Although I'm somewhat interested to hear what sort of asinine reasons are given for why "we" lost respect or certain celebrities. Rest assured, I'm sure only 1 or 2 are actually valid reasons.

4. 11 Surprising Skills Your Great-Grandparents Had That You Don't

Surprising skills? How about just skills? Nah, 'surprising skills' creates a much bigger hook. You'll be surprised! Amazed! Holy sh!t. (I never really understood why you would censor expletives when you very clearly know what was censored, so in this case I might as well just write 'shit' because you already figured it out anyways.) Now, to be fair this article might actually be edifying in some way. It's by Ancestry.com. I think at this point pretty much everybody knows someone who tried out this site. By extension most of us should now be aware that Ancestry.com is only going to be marginally useful if you know next to nothing about your family history. Last time I had any experience with the site it was very clear that the site offered little that allowed you to confirm whether or not the "John Smith" you found was actually related in any way to the one in your tree. I digress though, I'm not here to rag on Ancestry.com, merely their ad. See this '11 surprising things' deal is really just a façade. It's probably a half-assed article with some small measure of interesting information (probably stuff you'd know if you ever stepped into a museum) designed not to edify but to get you thinking about your family tree so you could then head on over to the main section of Ancestry.com and pay them so they can provide you with various public documents. So what are these 11 surprising skills? My guess is stuff like farming, milking cows, hunting (although a LOT of people still know how to hunt so maybe not...), driving a manual, haggling (maybe). Okay, you know what, I'll look it up. Let's take the guesswork out altogether. Oh. Wow. It's....just as bullshit as I imagined. Well, hopefully now you can just take my word for future instances. Here are the 11 'surprising' skills: Courting, Hunting/Fishing/Foraging, Butchering, Bartering, Haggling, Darning/Mending, Corresponding by Mail, Making Lace, Lighting Fire Without Matches, and Writing with a Fountain Pen. You're welcome. Grade: C- article. Minimum effort put forth. See teacher after class.

5. "I'm not racist but...": Ohio Teacher on Paid Leave After Racist Facebook Post Went...

I'm sure the last word is 'Viral' but the suspense is still killing me! I'm not even sure what to say about this one. The hook is blatant, and HUGE. You could reel in the shark from Jaws with a hook this large. It's all very strategic, they want you to wonder "Not racist but WHAT?". Maybe he has a good point, after all he's a teacher! I bet it was something blown completely out of proportion! Okay, well, you go on and click that link while adjusting your tin foil hat, but I'm sure if you really wanted to know you could find better info from any number of other more reliable news sites. Anyhow I'll just be sitting back here noticing that Mommy Noire is suspiciously close to MadameNoire from the celebrities ad.

6. Make Your Quinoa Exciting with This Mediterranean Recipe

This ad is by Hunt's, by which I assume they mean the same guys who make Hunt's ketchup and tomato sauce. Hunt's is alright by me, they make a good simple product and this link probably is just a recipe. Still, that doesn't put it above my nitpicking. First of all, nothing is going to make your Quinoa exciting. Congratulations, you found one of the world's most boring foods. Next, just 'cause it's Mediterranean doesn't make it exotic, there's Mediterranean stuff everywhere these days. Now, maybe if it were subterranean Quinoa... Just saying.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this first (second) Things I Hate series. I plan on continuing with some more in the future so if you liked this one there will be more where that came from. Let me know in the comments which ad from today's selection you love to hate the most. Or, barring that, feel free to add your own nitpicks about the ads or my critiques.