Friday, December 18, 2015

Things I Hate #6 - A Complete Marketing Trainwreck

I find myself exhausted and possibly sick as Christmas and New Year's day quickly approach, but I think I can still find the energy to beat-up on some of these ridiculous ads. Who knows, the effect might even be therapeutic. I'm looking forward to this set in particular because the absurdity and laziness seems to have been cranked up to 11 this time (barring the one repeat).


1. 3 Early Signs to Watch For as Mom and Dad Age
*Announcer voice* 3 early signs to watch for as Mom and Dad age into PUZZLE MASTERS, transcending mere 'professional puzzler' to compete with puzzle grand masters! Silliness aside, that title is incredibly vague if you stop and think about it. You know what it's alluding to but you are never actually given any context for the early signs of what you are watching for. As such, I'd like to posit that, based on the associated image, that you are supposed to watch for signs that "Mom and Dad" are becoming addicted to puzzles. First it's Word Search, then Crossword, then next thing you know it's 2000 piece jigsaw puzzles, and those wood and metal brain teasers that no one ever actually figures out. (Until now!)


2. Please Don't Retire At 62. Here's Why.
Dear Motley Fool, I appreciate your attempted use of punctuation on the internet, as it is all too often completely glossed over, but I'm afraid you might have misunderstood how the period works. You see, a period is supposed to end a thought, subject, or idea. As such the first period should be a comma and the second period should be a colon. Seriously, using a period isn't that hard. While I'm on the subject, (line) (oh yeah, nailed that pun) is it just me or is the title referring to something that is mostly common knowledge? You can retire at 62 but you won't receive full benefits. I believe the actual full-benefits retirement age is hovering somewhere around 67 years old at present. So if that's the article what's the point of the ad? Cheap click bait to hopefully draw them to other articles on Motley Fool? Is the retirement age thing not well-known? I definitely didn't think it a secret. Also what's with the picture? Is he regretting his poor life choice of retiring early? Or that fact that his face is several shades redder than the rest of his body?


3. 10 Celebs You Didn't Know Were Black
Oh my god! How hard is it to use "celebrities"!? I know it's 5 extra letters but it's clear you have a fairly lenient character limit because the ad directly beneath this one is about a third longer. And as for the article's subject matter how...? I mean, let me just put this out here, if you are black, physically, not metaphorically, that means that you are somewhere between dark and black on the spectrum. And if just one of your parents is black, again, I'm talking skin pigmentation, it might be a bit debatable whether or not your skin colour falls in the black spectrum. But if you are "black", as in physical skin characteristic, you can't not know, unless you're also blind. You can't just use a picture of a white girl (as was done above) and say, "Bet you didn't know she's black." She's not! I'm looking at her right now. Go ahead and tell me she has African American heritage, that her father is Jamaican or her mother is from the Grenadine Islands, but I'm not going to accept this "I can't believe I never knew they were black." nonsense the article is trying to purvey. Honestly.


4. 10 Trends Men Hate
Well if you're here you already know one thing I hate, but I'd wager that it's not on their list. I wonder if those really high jeans are on the list though. I don't hate them I just think they look really awkward. If I was a woman I definitely wouldn't wear those. While we're on the subject of things I hate though, I'd like to point out that I hate articles like this in particular. They are rarely representative of things that I, as a male, hate. In fact I'd say most of the things I hate are pretty representative of a lot of people, not just men. I hate things like nails on a chalk board, people changing lanes without bothering to use their goddamn turn signal, and losing progress in a game due to a glitch. So I get the feeling that a 10 things men hate list is going to be incredibly sexist or completely generic. I looked up a few similar lists only to prove myself 100% right on the three I randomly chose. What can I say, it's a gift.


5. There Are 7 Types of English Surnames - Which One Is Yours?
I'm gonna pass on this one since I just did a nearly identically titled one in Things I Hate #5.
I will say one thing though. "Which One Is Yours": None of them if you aren't English. My ancestry is mostly a mix of French and German so guess I'm out of luck.


6. Ditch Your Old CPAP. See What You've Been Missing.
Oh man, this one is a complete train wreck, I'm gonna' have some fun with this. Let's start with the easiest target, the photo, which features a terribly photo-shopped CPAP pasted over a picture of a pretty woman. Were they trying to take the sex-appeal approach to marketing CPAPs? That's like trying to sell a nebulizer by taking pictures of models using it. You can't make this shit sexy, why are you even trying?! Even if you could I'd argue that your talents are being senselessly squandered. (By the way, I looked it up just be sure but a CPAP is used in treatment of sleep apnea - it provides positive pressure to the respiratory system to help keep the airways open. The more you know!) Next off, I highly doubt that CPAP systems are the sort thing that people see and are like: "You know I think I want to go shopping for a new CPAP on an random web link." I don't even remember where I got this ad block but I guarantee it wasn't on a medical site. Correct me if I'm wrong but I highly doubt these are hot-ticket items. I just can't see people clamoring to have the latest and greatest CPAP like it's a new Apple iPhone. Last, I'd like to note that I love how the awkward-as-hell photoshop job makes the woman look like she has a Groucho Marx mustache and bushy eyebrows. Wait, could that have been their tactic? Were they trying to make something so bad it was good? Bum bum BUM~!

No. No they were not. They're just terrible at their job. 

Thursday, December 17, 2015

Things I Hate #5 - An Educational Rant

 
Man I'm terrible about consistently updating. Not that that's really the point of this particular blog, but still, I like writing and it's sad to see that It's been like 3 weeks since I last wrote anything. This blog is supposed to be my "whatever, whenever" platform so that I don't feel overly pressured about writing, which works out great but it also means I don't feel particularly rushed to update. That's still better than feeling obligated to update and stressing myself out over it though.
 
And speaking of stress, I feel like relieving a little by beating up on one of the internet's easiest and sleaziest of targets: Hook-grab Cash-in Ads. Taboola, you're my favorite punching bag.
 

1. There Are 7 Types of English Last Names - Which One Is Yours?
Ah, Ancestry.com, we meet again. It seems the draw this time is to find out a little more about your last name, specifically what 'type' of last name. Honestly I'm already a little confused. How can you have a different type of last name? Like, is it the origin of the name? Or is it different formats? I'm getting a strong 'misuse of vocabulary' vibe from the title. Also the picture strongly implies that whatever is featured in the article stems back to the middle ages. There is just one problem with this. I know from my Dad's own genealogy research that names, even last names have a tendency to slowly warp and change over time. In my very own family tree I can see how the family name was modified bit by bit so that, by the time I reach the top of the family tree (as far as we have discovered) our last name was vastly different. So, aside from the obvious bait to get you interested in your genealogy so that you start thinking that "Hey, maybe I should get an Ancestry.com membership!", the article, by nature, will only be able to give you vague suggestions about where your last name actually came from. And that's assuming that you are correct in assuming your English heritage.


2. 88 Year Old Yoga Teacher Shares Her Secret to Never Ending Energy
Oho, Athletic Greens, wants to show us how to access unlimited energy! They will show us how to eat veggies, swallow supplements, and do Yoga! Yay! Okay, first off, this article is already making an unspoken promise. It's saying, "Look at this 88 year old Yoga teacher in this picture. You can look great at 88 and tap into boundless energy now!" (Note that there is no guarantee that the picture featured actually is the yoga teacher in question.) Of course this isn't a complete scam, there are things that can be done that are likely to increase your energy and most of them are pretty easy. Athletic Greens could even deliver on those fronts but I guarantee it would be for a price, a clearly visible and tempting price that would be right next to an article about a Yoga teacher who looks and feels great and wants to spread the message that "You can feel this way too". Here's my grain of salt though, if you're over the age of 20 life is going to be tiring, at least in some way. In a lot of ways the mere existence of this ad is a slap in the face to how difficult it actually is to have energy as a working adult, as many things are beyond your control. In order to have never-ending energy you need to combine as many of the following things as possible: eat well, drink plenty of water, get plenty of uninterrupted sleep, socialize with close friends and/or family on a semi-regular basis, exercise (very important for energy), don't drink too much caffeine, work a job you can enjoy or are at least proud of, make time for something creative or involving in your life (something relaxing; a hobby basically), and make sure that you have enough money to live comfortably with at least a modest savings** (extremely important for all but the most money-averse.) I'd find the article and spoil what the actual secret is but then I'd feel dirty for actually being drawn to the site. So let's just say the real secret is that there is no secret.


3. (July 2014) New "Rule" Has Drivers Furious & Shocked...
I hate these ads in particular. Also, if you noticed the date you can see how long I've been collecting these stupid ads now. Funny story, I first started saving pictures of the ads because I felt less inclined to click their dirty links when I did. I actually have a folder of about 50 or so ad blocks like the one above. Anyways, getting back to the picture, the particular brand of absurdity in these ads drives me nuts. Nothing has been happening that is making drivers "Furious and Shocked" except for freak accidents like a chunks of exploded whale meat landing on cars. Also, why is "rule" in quotes? Is it not actually a rule? Is it a law? A guideline? Another BS policy that an insurance company came up with? And the most absurd part is that the antique car in the picture is circled like it actually has something to do with the article. That particular car. Apparently the classic car ahead of it is unaffected by what Insurance.Comparisons.org wants to tell us about. I'm not interested though, and not just for the obvious reasons. This type of ad is, apparently, effective because I still see shit like this almost a year and a half later. Guess I was fine not knowing about this outrageous "rule".  (Unrelated, but did you know that in some areas that antique and classic cars with historical/antique plates can only be driven for specific reasons? It's why you don't see many on the road on a regular basis.)


4. 20 Disney Starlets Then & Now [PHOTOS!]
This is already a bad sign: Perez Hilton is the name of the site? Something reeks of minimal effort and the lowest common denominator. For one the premise is Disney starlets and photos. I'm not sure whether the article is intended to be an actual showcase of then and now or a chance to parade about pictures of disgraced child stars. Given that Disney has a reputation for corrupting childhood stars with early fame I'm inclined to say the latter. A narrow sliver of another image can be seen in the picture above, suggesting that had we followed the link we'd see a number of child stars (starlets, so...I'm gonna assume all girls) next to highly sexualized young women. Not really sure what to do with this one, so I'll try and summarize my thoughts as succinctly as possible. The link and the article are both perpetuating the continued exploitation of an actor that began as a child. Those child stars are (I'm assuming) all adults now though and it's their choice if they want to be overtly sexual or public about their lives. However comparing pictures of naïve young disneyfied teens next to their adult selves implies a sort of corruption even though it's a very natural progression. Although, admittedly it's a different thing if they got into drugs, were complete ego-centric assholes to everyone around themselves, and their life fell into a spiral of defeat, but regardless my first point still stands (that exploitation put them there).


5. 5 Ingredients 1 Delicious Meal
Seems straightforward enough. I only have to ask, why choose this site? There are tons of recipe sites all over the internet from allrecipes.com to Pinterest. (Not to mention an endless ocean of food blogs.) Also, I'm gonna take a wack at the recipe shown above cause why not. Someone let me know how it turns out.

Ingredients
1 - 3lbs. of any type of steak
1 can of corn
1 can diced tomatoes (3 if using those tiny cans)
1 can of kidney beans
1 large can of Hunt's tomato sauce

-Cook steak in pan over medium heat with a little oil.
-In separate pot begin to boil can of tomato sauce and one can's worth of water.
-Once pot is boiling reduce to simmer (Med - High).
-Add cans of corn, kidney beans and diced tomatoes. Cook 10 minutes.
-Add meat and simmer for 1 minute more.
-Serve in large bowls. I'm guessing it could serve 1-4 people depending on how hungry they are. Add whatever spices you think would be good. I suggest basil, oregano, or a southwest spice mix.


6. The Secret to the Best Vanilla Ice Cream
This was in the last one so you could always just read that one. Or you can read the condensed version here:

The Secret: Run to the store and pick up a pint of Ben & Jerry's or Coldstone's vanilla ice cream.