Saturday, January 2, 2016

Things I Hate #7 - Pretty Ladies and Old Men


I absolutely intended to do another one of these a lot sooner, but I admit to getting distracted by a long anime post that kind of took on a life of its own. What originally started off as a short review where I could bitch about Gatchaman CROWDS grew into a monstrous rant and I wasn't sure where to stop. I thought about cutting it down, scrapping the entire thing with the intention of rewriting something significantly smaller but I decided instead to just trim the monster post to make it more concise (aka. Coming Soon!). So long story short, that's why I haven't posted anything in a while.

Well that was a long-winded opening...  LET'S MAKE FUN OF ADS NOW, WAHOO!


1. IBM Cloud Technology is Changing How Music Is ...
Damn you unholy IBM/Taboola alliance! You did this on purpose! Now, it's apparent that the title to the article is cut off, but what might not be as apparent is that this was done on purpose. On porpoise!? I don't believe! Okay, you probably do believe, but regardless it's one of the more irksome and fiendish marketing tactics. Letting the sentence trail off is not only bullshit, it's cruel and unusual. By nature most of us want to know what comes next, even if we wouldn't normally care all that much. The mystery is enticing, what got cut off? Changing how music is what IBM, changing how music is WHAT? Distributed? Sold? Stored? Managed? The reasonable possibilities are finite endless! Regardless it's not worth link chasing to find out. If it's big news you'll be able to find it by browsing a reputable site dealing in science/technology new. Chance's are it's not going to affect you much unless you are in the IT or music industry. (Pro Tip: What makes me so confident about this article being purposely deceitful with the name? Well on reputable sites if the name is shortened you can view the full article name just by hovering over the link. The alt-text that pops up will usually contain the full article title.)


2. The Spending Mistake You're Constantly Makin...
Wait, what? The Huffington Post? What's the Huffington Post doing on a Taboola ad? Do they know about this? Hold on, I need to check this out. Hmm, nope....nope. Not that one. This one maybe? Is this a misdirect? Huffington Post is definitely spelled correctly but at the very least there is no article by the exact title listed above. Once again the picture is completely misleading, it's some woman drinking wine, which I doubt is closely related to finances. Stop buying gifts and going out for fancy dinners over wine and candle light, instant profit! Are they going for sex appeal once again?  Now that I mention it...every picture above features either a relatively young woman or an old man in black and white. Creepy. My search also turned up an article on the Huff Post relating to a wine club which I checked out, admittedly due to the pic above. So possibly the ad above is a shameless plug for a sell-out article on Huff Post which is essentially giving lip service to a new wine club.  Man the world of skeazy internet marketing is a dark and twisted web of deception and low-hanging fruit. Also, come on Taboola! Argh, you could have easily fit the last 'g' that you needed if you had omitted your precious ". . ." (It's just like when someone starts a pair of parenthesis and doesn't end it!


3. Celebrities We Lost Respect for in 2013
I've done this one before but let's revisit for a moment. I've ranted before about how I don't understand the hyper-focus on the lives of celebrities, why we want to pry into their lives. So let's set that aside and talk about the nature of respect (always a fun-filled and comedic topic). Yeah, you can theoretically lose respect for someone you've never met, but you are making a pre-judgment based on second hand information. Is that really any basis for determining whether or not you respect someone? Can you really decide whether or not you actually respect someone until you've met them in person? You can decide whether or not you respect a person's actions but there are a lot of motivations behind people's actions so creating a list of Celebrities We Lost Respect For is not only a blanket judgment that is already making a lot of assumptions about our basis for determining respect, but is also based upon a second hand source itself. So you are receiving third hand information essentially asking you to direct your ire toward people you have never met based on information that is not likely to present a well-rounded account of that individual's life. Besides, if you really want to lose respect for someone there are enough politicians for everyone.


4. Buffet's Empire Is In Peril... And He Knows It
These always make me laugh, kind of like "Buy Gold Now!" ads. This is pure fantasy bordering on wishful thinking. The ad reeks of a shameless grab playing on alarmist paranoia, or of a conspiratorial whisper in your ear. Guess what, one of the wealthiest business empires in the world is about the collapse! Cash in now! Shift investments! Stock market chaos! This ad even features a picture of Buffet looking frowny and in grayscale of all things, probably to emphasize the peril his empire is in. Must be really slow peril because I still haven't heard anything about it and it's been well over a year now. I like that word too...peril, not danger, or collapse, or threatened, but peril. Why not, good use of vocabulary. What gets me though is the 'dot dot dot' that appears, for the third time in this ad block I might add, that is completely pointless! What's the point of the pause, dramatic tension!? This is yet another title that should contain a comma not extra periods. What are you trying to tell me Taboola, that if I add enough periods everything is going to be alright? It's not alright! Warren Buffet's empire is going to collapse and I haven't bought enough gold yet, aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!


5. 9 Comments That Could Get You Fired
This can't be good, the combination of title and picture scream sexism or just plain absurdity. I mean, what sort of quality content can you expect from an article about 'comments that could get you fired'? Pretty much everything I can think of is either just plain absurd or common sense. "Hey Boss, fuck off!" What do you know, I just came up with a comment that could get you fired! Doesn't seem like it would be hard to come up with 9 bullshit answer for how you could get fired over a comment. Not to mention that it can also depend on your job if you're in the public eye. I'm willing to say that there isn't a single comment of the potential nine that would be either informative or enlightening. You will be neither surprised nor enlightened. Yet, if you're still worried that one of your comments could get you fired I have the ultimate solution. Go into business for yourself. Who's going to fire you for lambasting the cat with the most vile assortment of curses and obscenities for spilling soda on your keyboard, yourself?


6. Economist: Prepare for Massive Wealth Destruc...
Taboola, you're fired. Alright, I've been wanted to do this for a while now, we're doing this Cinemasins style.
- An unnamed 'Economist:' is purveyed as discussing massive wealth destruction, as if knowing that a supposed unidentified economist said this thing that it lends the title credence. (Ding! Sins: 1)
- Title contains 'Massive Wealth Destruction' a vague but alarming statement that doesn't have any basis for suggesting it will actually happen. (Sins: 2)
- Title suggests that we prepare for massive wealth destruction. This ad block was saved sometime during 2014, so...how far in advance are we preparing? Also, given the context, we are preparing for a future event but arguably it could also be for a current event or even a past event if you interpret it as just general advice on how to prepare for a wealth destruction event. (Sins: 3)
- Ad can't be bothered to make title fit within the space limitations of the ad. (Sins: 4)
- Ad has a black and white photo of an old white man. Is this a requirement when forecasting financial doom? (Ding! Sins: 5)
- '...' (Sins: 6)
- I looked up Newsmax because the name sounded familiar; it's a heavily conservative news site. So I typed 'Massive Wealth Destruction' into their search engine (since it's not exactly a common phrase). To my surprise no article by that title came up in the results although the phrase was highlighted in several of the articles. Each of those articles that contained the phrase were actually links to a separate article, the one featured above. Suspicious much? This screams subversive ad article but I pushed on. The article in question is an alarmist fanfiction detailing how many of the worlds top economists are predicting a massive wealth destruction event in 'the immediate future'. The article ends by mentioning there was a video in high demand but that media outlets everywhere have suppressed the video despite the extremely important and alarming information it contains, but for a small price you can have access to the video presented exclusively by Newsmax. Holy shit, how much more scam can you get. +5 sins. (Dddddrrrring! Sins: 11)

For one ad that is an alarming number of sins.
Sentence: Featured in a Taboola ad (for a small fee on Newmax)

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