Things I Hate #4 - Pond Scum in the Form of Internet Ads

If you happened to catch my previous 'Things I Hate' then you know what's to follow. If not then you should know that I hate sponsored ads that try to disguise themselves as on-site content and this is me getting back at them in some small way. This isn't simply about deceptive marketing, however, this is also my chance to rant, rave, gripe, and cynicize (it's a word if I want it to be) about some of these ridiculous ads and, perhaps, society in general.

Railing ineffectually in 3....2....1...

1. Little Known Way to Pay Off Mortgage
This ad. If I keep doing the Things I Hate posts you'll see many different variations of this ad and I hate them in particular. Oh really!? A new way to pay of mortgage? You mean, besides time and money!? Oh PLEASE Daily Mortgage Monitor tell me how I might suddenly just pay off a loan that is usually measured in decades. Does it involve refinancing? How about consolidation? See, the thing I hate about the mortgage ads is that there isn't some miracle cure for debt, and that's exactly what Taboola is are hoping people assume when they word it as seen above. Like there is some secret that most people overlook. Unless you have your fingers deep into the world of finance you are probably already doing what's best for you. If you wanted more manageable payments you already refinanced, or decided that the interest over time wasn't worth the trade off. If you can make extra payments just on principle, then you probably already do. About the best I'd expect from clicking this ad is a refinance form or an advice column with such useful gems as Befriend Someone Wealthy or Cash in those Stocks.


2. Controversial "Skinny Pill" Takes Country By Storm
NO. JUST NO. There is no such thing as a skinny pill! This is complete BS! There are pills that supposedly help you lose weight if you are already exercising and watching your calories, such as Hydroxycut, but there is no pill that is just going to help you magically drop 30 pounds without some serious adverse affects. I know from past experience, the only thing that is really going to help you lose weight is diet and exercise. It's not what you want to hear. It's not what anyone wants to hear. You want to shell out the money and lose weight the easy way. There IS NO EASY way though. The skinny pill is a lie and Trending Lifestyles could choke down pills like a depressed Philosophy student and the only weight loss they'd experience would be from vomiting. Or maybe from a nutrition deficit from are eating that many pills. Don't even get me started on the taken-by-storm part. The only way stuff like this takes off is because mornings shows are paid the big bucks to discuss the BS 'next big breakthrough in weight loss pills' or some similar tripe.


3. Why You Should Color Your Gray at Home
eSalon, you make this too easy. First off, what grey hair? Two, why would I want to color my grey hair? I bet it will make me look distinguished. I could be the mysterious gentleman with the long grey hair, steeped in the pale rays of the moon...a rose gripped gently but firmly between my teeth and-- Er...whoops. Haha...ha..*ahem*. Right, number three, am I supposed to believe that the lady in the picture has more than a dozen grey hairs? She looks pretty young. Oh Snap! That's what they wanted you to think so you would say to yourself, maybe all I need to do is dye my hair...? I'm getting off topic though. This is about why you're supposed to dye it at home. Well you know what, screw that. Go to that salon, it's your night out after all. Treat yourself and dye your hair whatever color you want. Hell, dye your blond hair TO grey. You'll look distinguished.


4. Everything You Need to Know About Surface Pro 3
Everything I need to know about the what-now? *Googles* Oh, it's a tablet designed to be as capable as a laptop. That's pretty cool. Now, see what happened there? I looked up what I wanted to know and, oh my gosh what a coincidence, found out everything I wanted to know. Maybe therein lies the difference, however. I wanted to know. (This site offers a good point-by-point.) The Taboola ad needs you to need to know. The information is a necessity. You must know it, you must needs buy this Microsoft product right away- need to know more, must buy! Wait. Oh ho ho....what's this?

Mircosoft

So definitely not Microsoft. Well, well, well, Mircosoft. Very sneaky, what were you hoping to accomplish there? Trying to cash-in on Microsoft's good reputation? You know, I'd call you some of the worst advertising scum out there but, you know, I've gotten so used to spam and cheap ads using slightly off names that you're just a nuisance now. All those emails from Bliizzard.com telling me my account has been compromised served as good practice. So, yeah Mircosoft, you just sit there and think about what you've done. You should feel bad. In the mean time I'm going to label this as SCAM.


5. Angelina Jolie's Changing Looks
Er....it's called the aging process? It's a pretty normal thing. Yeah... Preeeeetty common.
So here we have another example of a cheap site trying to make a quick buck on a celebrity. I...I don't even have the energy for these. InStyle.com, I mean, what are you expecting? Anything? Some kind of standard of quality? Hold on, let me put my LCD screen to my forehead, I'm making a prediction....it's coming to me now: I see a...a shitty website...filled with advertisements...and...and a dozen pictures of dubious quality stolen from around the internet. Most are likely to be Angelina Jolie but several pictures are questionable. One is...just a picture of hair with some eyebrows at the bottom edge. Every picture has terrible and un-insightful commentary. I 100% made all that up but if anyone gets around to checking it let me know how many I got right. I'm gonna call 4/5 on this.


6. The Secret to the Best Vanilla Ice Cream
Food Network. Huh, what's Food Network doing advertising with Taboola? I wonder sometimes if the Taboola people sometimes just stick a random semi-reputable site in together with all the craptastic ones so that there is something recognizable there. Anyhow, you don't want to click that link (it's a picture, you can't anyways mwahahahaha) you want to hear me tell you my secret to the best vanilla ice cream? Drive any place that sells decent ice cream and pick up a pint of vanilla ice cream. I recommend Ben and Jerry's or Coldstone. Trust me on this. You'll make home made vanilla ice cream like, twice. It's a ton of work and it never turns out as good as the nicer stuff from the store. Certainly doesn't keep as well either.


Let me know about your own advertising nemesis or personal pet peeves in the comments. Or maybe just say hi. Or alternatively you can complain about me. No, it's cool. I understand. It's fine. I don't mind. Okay maybe a little. But you do what you have to do. I'm fine.

Things I Hate #3 - History Repeating

I hate sponsored ads. Once upon a time I raged about a series of Taboola ads, much like the ones below, on Facebook. Now, for some reason, I am about to do so for a 3rd time. So join me once as I complain and rant and go off on tangents.

 

1. Should Auctions be Banned? TaylorMade Drivers Have Sold for Less Than $12
I'm really not sure where to begin with this one, just of out sheer incredulity. Reading the title alone made me feel like I took one of those <$12 TaylorMade drivers upside the head. First off, the whole appeal of auctions is that you have the potential to get something for far below market price. Granted, you have to get pretty lucky to do so, but the possibility exists. That said, call me skeptical when I see an ad by Quibids mention an outrageously low bid on a driver the typically goes for (pardon me a sec while I check a reputable auction site) $75 to $399. Again, buying something far below cost, it could happen, but you need to get really lucky. This whole business about auctions being banned though? What is this nonsense? It's pure shock tactics aimed to get you to click. Auctions don't put people out of business. If someone is selling items below cost it's probably second hand anyways otherwise you'd be out of business in weeks. And last, these things tend to stabilize over time because if you can't afford to sell at a low price in the long run *gasp* the price goes up.


2. A Smart Way to Pay Off Mortgage
Make one additional payment a month so that you are paying on principal instead of just interest. Oh wait, I'm sorry. I just gave out sensible advice that wasn't related to a scam in any way. Damn! I'm really bad at this. On the plus side that picture of the dollar bill ring is pretty cool though, right?


3. 10 Rappers Who Lost Their Riches
The amount of attention given to celebrities never ceases to astound me, even if I've come to expect it. So it doesn't surprise me to see another up-and-coming site trying to make some cash on the celebrity ticket. I think the really disappointing thing with this particular sponsored ad is that there are enough rappers who lost their riches to justify creating a Top 10 list. I try not to think about the amount of money that some people blow on completely pointless things. Do you know how hard it is to blow large sums of money if you have even a modicum of sense and restraint? I calculated what I could buy with 1 million dollars once and it included a sizeable house, two new cars, the elimination of all our debts, a bachelor's degree cost equivalent of education (4 years of education basically) for both my wife and I, as well as 4 years without working. Even using overblown estimates and calculating college costs using our current outrageously high tuition rates I'd still have $160,000 left-over AFTER 4 YEARS OF COLLEGE AND NOT WORKING. So, no HipHopMyWay even if you were a reputable site, which I refuse to believe you are, that link is: Not. Worth. My. Time.


4. 11 Surprising Skills Your Great-Grandparents Had That You Don't
If you read my previous Things I Hate this entry might look a little familiar to you. So rather than repeat myself I'll just let you in on a little secret. Originally one of the things I was going to lambast this ad for was the picture. This is just a wild guess but it looks to me like the people in the photo are a couple from the Great Depression/dustbowl era and my immediate reaction was that those would be grandparents not great-grandparents. Of course then I realized that they would have been kids at best during the depression and assumed that the picture was right. Upon even closer inspection though, I've just realized that if the people in the picture were that old during the depression that would probably make them Great-great-grandparents. So hah! Skewered again ancestry.com!


5. Top 10 Cancer Causing Foods You Eat Everyday
Okay, honestly. What the fuck is up with that picture? Are those octopus legs on skewers? Food doesn't have to look like it crawled onto your plate and died a slow Shakespearian death for it to be cancer causing. Now, before I get to what actually does cause cancer, so you won't be tempted to look up the article posted by the flagitious fools that are whatever NaturalON is, I'd like to point out the obvious conflict of interest here. By the way, I love how easy it is to tell what type of marketing tactic or scam is going on simply by the name. There are those who are so good at marketing that its hard to tell where the content ends and the ad begins, and then there is NaturalON or Quibids or whatever other bare minimum effort name they could come up with. Anyways, NaturalON very clearly wants to sell you some sort of natural alternatives that aren't going to give you super-cancer. Here's the thing though there are tons of foods that increase your risk of cancer. I won't get into the specifics of how cancer works but basically any food with char on it would fit the bill of "cancer causing". So grilled meats can 'give' you cancer. Grilled veggies can give you cancer. Cooking on a traditional grill period can give you cancer. Red meat is believed to give you cancer and the same for alcohol. Teflon coated cooking pans can give you cancer. Exposure to car oil or gasoline can give you cancer. The sun can give you cancer. Diesel exhaust can give you cancer. Cleaning chemicals and fire retardants and a wide variety of other chemicals can give you cancer. Smoking can give you ultracancer. And smoke inhalation of any other sort (campfire, bad cooking, incense smoke, etc.) is certain to give you cancer. Basically there is a lot of stuff that can 'give' you cancer (although that terminology is flawed) but as long as you try and balance it by generally staying healthy you'll probably be fine. So let's just ignore these 10 Cancer Causing Foods and move on shall we?


6. 8 Celebs Who Have Severe Illnesses
I'm not gonna completely redo this one again since it happened to also be in Things I Hate #1 on Facebook. I'll give you the highlights though:

• Why was celebrities shortened to "Celebs"!? You have more than enough space as evidenced by nearly every other article name in the block!
• Famous black actor is featured in the picture for an article that probably isn't related to him in any way.
• Why do we care so much about these celebrities? Don't we have better things to be doing?
• Yes, lets pry into the personal lives of 'celebs' because they're definitely not people. Which is a good thing because that frees us from having to worry about HIPAA or disseminating information that the individual might not necessarily want going around.
• Also, is it just me or are those sunglasses totally shooped?

Thanks for sticking with me yet again. Post your favorite gripes about me or your most hated sponsored ads in the comments below!

The Thought Escapes Me

This is an unconventional entry in which I record thoughts that I would otherwise lose throughout the week. May a few less thoughts escape into the aether.

• Computer troubleshooting systems always want you to reseat the RAM and video card as one of the first steps (in many scenarios). Reseating the RAM has helped me a grand total of once, and if memory serves reseating a video card helped at most twice.

• In order for bureaucracy to work effectively there have to be systems in place that supersede the bureaucratic process. Essentially bureaucracy is only truly effective when you break the rules. That's essentially what executive positions do: break rules and skip steps. If find it mildly disturbing that this is a system for running countries.

• The fastest way to lose ideas is to be consciously aware that you are trying to come up with ideas.

• There is an issue some TV/animated series run into that I like to call: Soul Eater Syndrome. Soul Eater, an anime, was the first series I encountered with this issue so it has the dubious honor of having an affliction of the same name. Soul Eater Syndrome is when an otherwise good or great series decides to conclude by introducing, out-of-context, a giant robot. So far Soul Eater and Legend of Korra are the only literal examples, but there are some other shows that get figurative marks of shame.

• I hate you writing. I hate you so much. Why can't you be more like art? If I wanted to draw something I at least know exactly what I want to end up on paper even if my clumsy fingers and lack of technique won't allow me to do so. Or why not be like music? With music once you get the melody down you can just add everything else in one instrument at a time. No, instead I have to translate mental images into text and it never turns out as exciting. Instead I have a story, my figurative 'melody' that if put to paper would only fill a page. Writing is a long drawn-out tortuous process that rarely evokes the same level of emotional response as music, art, or animation. Why do I like writing so much again?

• My head tells me I should stay in my boring job and stay in this boring place because it will look good on paper if I stick it out for a few more months to a year. My head tells me that it's okay to put off the things I love for now because it is better to focus on providing a stable base for yourself than to chase impractical interests and long-shot careers. My heart tells me that I am killing my personality and stifling the passions that could drive me to succeed by staying in a place and a job I don't like. My heart tells me that I only have one life so I should focus my time on doing things I love even if it might make my life more chaotic. Someone should conduct a study on the results of following your head or your heart; I want to know which one is right more often.

•  When faced with the conundrum of whether or not to rinse out a pot (if you are pressed for time for instance), I've decided that the general rule-of-thumb should be to wash. On the other hand I think I am now one of the first people to eat beef ramen with undertones of cinnamon and apple oatmeal.

• I feel there is often a disconnect between what people appear to like the most and what they actually like the most. There are a lot of reasons for the disconnect but I still find it strange that some of the things we enjoy the most aren't always the most noticeable. For example, for a long time I avoided writing about series that I really enjoyed for fear of botching the piece and simply not doing my favorites justice.

• Most of my random thoughts don't seem to relate to creative stuff these days. When I was younger I tended to come up with skits and scenarios and conversations, unfortunately I think losing that is mostly just a consequence of growing up. You are shaped by your thoughts and your environment. Thought processes are self-reinforcing. Think creatively more often and you will be creative even when you aren't trying. If you are forced to think in a practical manner by your job every day then your thoughts will naturally tend toward the realistic and practical.

• People have been saying for years that robots will replace human workers, to which I've always said: "Good!" The types of jobs that will be replaced by robots are repetitive and uncreative. Until robots can perform nuanced and adaptive hand work, solve unusual (atypical) issues and problems, and self-repair it won't be an issue. Maybe replacing what the job market unceremoniously calls "unskilled workers" with robots could trigger a policy shift towards more education and create more challenging and rewarding jobs.

• A dark shadow fell across his face; "You can't have my burrito!"

• Writing is a lot like laying a mosaic tile floor with 1-inch tiles. The process is painstakingly slow, it's easy to lose track of where you are at, and you continually have to step back to make sure you've got the pattern right. Going back to make changes often means chiseling out a sizeable chunk of your work and you're always worried that the changes will be noticeable.

Things I Hate #2 - There is No Number 1 and Here's Why

Number one died in a plane crash. Very tragic.

No? Not taking that one? Okay, well, the truth is actually a lot less interesting. I've been meaning to do a "Things I Hate" series for quite a while now, not necessarily because I truly hate a lot of things. On the contrary, compared to a lot of people I'm sure I come in below average. There is just one thing in particular that really irks me. I hate sponsored ads. I hate them enough to start a "Things I Hate" series about them anyways, the very first of which I posted on Facebook. I'll post it here later. That's why this is #2. What? I told you the truth is a lot less interesting.

I always planned on doing more but Facebook never seemed like the right place and I suspect that a sizeable portion of my friend list doesn't quite 'get' my humour. So, enough stalling, let's get to the good stuff.

The worst offenders among sponsored ads are those that try and sneak their picture in at the bottom of the page pretending to be an on-site link. These links usually have unusual and misleading pictures and sickeningly effective taglines. Taboola is one of the more heinous offenders in this category so be prepared to see a lot of Taboola ads. Now, let's take a look at these ads and let's call them out on what they really are.

Review Order

1 2 3

4 5 6

1. We Reveal The Top 2 Skin Tighteners in 2014

Are skin tighteners really so popular that there needs to be a top # list of them? Actually, I'm all but certain that beauty products, including skin tighteners, are much more popular than I'm actually aware and/or willing to admit. Nonetheless, setting aside my biases toward beauty products, I'm sure the fact that Alleure Instant Wrinkle Reducer is sponsoring this 'top 2 tighteners' list won't in any way affect what ends up on their list. *cough* I guess I'll never know though because I'll never give them the satisfaction of willingly clicking their ad. Also, why top 2? That barely even qualifies as a list! Why not top 4 at the very least? Top 2 isn't even trying.

2. Book Lovers Are Obsessed with This Website

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there. I am familiar with quite a few book lovers. I started a book blog (please help justify my existence by checking it out) which I'm pretty sure qualifies me, in the eyes of most people, as a book lover and I've never heard of "Bookbub". I also frequented a lot of book blog sites, far more than I ever intended and not once did I ever hear anything about Bookbub. You know what I did hear about? Amazon/Kindle, Barnes&Noble, Google Books, and a few other more niche sites that I can't quite remember.  You know, well known and trusted sites that don't try to pass themselves off as being hugely popular when they are not on the hopes that pretending they are will make them hugely popular. I'd condemn Bookbub on the sole fact that they believe that strategy could work, but this sinking feeling in my gut tells me that some sites probably actually pull this off. Also, here's a hint Bookbub: When someone is actually obsessed they aren't going to stop talking about it.

3. Celebrities We Lost Respect for in 2013

We still had some respect for celebrities? I kid, I kid. It's just that I don't follow celebrities, it's not my thing. There are only a handful of them that I actually care enough about to learn more about them, and certainly none that I feel inclined to 'follow' in any way. Whether that be creating a Twitter account (nevah!) and awaiting their 140 character maximum witticisms or just being more inclined to read articles about them. So not only is this article lost on me but I'm also sure that even if I was interested that the article on MadameNoir is of dubious quality. Although I'm somewhat interested to hear what sort of asinine reasons are given for why "we" lost respect or certain celebrities. Rest assured, I'm sure only 1 or 2 are actually valid reasons.

4. 11 Surprising Skills Your Great-Grandparents Had That You Don't

Surprising skills? How about just skills? Nah, 'surprising skills' creates a much bigger hook. You'll be surprised! Amazed! Holy sh!t. (I never really understood why you would censor expletives when you very clearly know what was censored, so in this case I might as well just write 'shit' because you already figured it out anyways.) Now, to be fair this article might actually be edifying in some way. It's by Ancestry.com. I think at this point pretty much everybody knows someone who tried out this site. By extension most of us should now be aware that Ancestry.com is only going to be marginally useful if you know next to nothing about your family history. Last time I had any experience with the site it was very clear that the site offered little that allowed you to confirm whether or not the "John Smith" you found was actually related in any way to the one in your tree. I digress though, I'm not here to rag on Ancestry.com, merely their ad. See this '11 surprising things' deal is really just a façade. It's probably a half-assed article with some small measure of interesting information (probably stuff you'd know if you ever stepped into a museum) designed not to edify but to get you thinking about your family tree so you could then head on over to the main section of Ancestry.com and pay them so they can provide you with various public documents. So what are these 11 surprising skills? My guess is stuff like farming, milking cows, hunting (although a LOT of people still know how to hunt so maybe not...), driving a manual, haggling (maybe). Okay, you know what, I'll look it up. Let's take the guesswork out altogether. Oh. Wow. It's....just as bullshit as I imagined. Well, hopefully now you can just take my word for future instances. Here are the 11 'surprising' skills: Courting, Hunting/Fishing/Foraging, Butchering, Bartering, Haggling, Darning/Mending, Corresponding by Mail, Making Lace, Lighting Fire Without Matches, and Writing with a Fountain Pen. You're welcome. Grade: C- article. Minimum effort put forth. See teacher after class.

5. "I'm not racist but...": Ohio Teacher on Paid Leave After Racist Facebook Post Went...

I'm sure the last word is 'Viral' but the suspense is still killing me! I'm not even sure what to say about this one. The hook is blatant, and HUGE. You could reel in the shark from Jaws with a hook this large. It's all very strategic, they want you to wonder "Not racist but WHAT?". Maybe he has a good point, after all he's a teacher! I bet it was something blown completely out of proportion! Okay, well, you go on and click that link while adjusting your tin foil hat, but I'm sure if you really wanted to know you could find better info from any number of other more reliable news sites. Anyhow I'll just be sitting back here noticing that Mommy Noire is suspiciously close to MadameNoire from the celebrities ad.

6. Make Your Quinoa Exciting with This Mediterranean Recipe

This ad is by Hunt's, by which I assume they mean the same guys who make Hunt's ketchup and tomato sauce. Hunt's is alright by me, they make a good simple product and this link probably is just a recipe. Still, that doesn't put it above my nitpicking. First of all, nothing is going to make your Quinoa exciting. Congratulations, you found one of the world's most boring foods. Next, just 'cause it's Mediterranean doesn't make it exotic, there's Mediterranean stuff everywhere these days. Now, maybe if it were subterranean Quinoa... Just saying.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this first (second) Things I Hate series. I plan on continuing with some more in the future so if you liked this one there will be more where that came from. Let me know in the comments which ad from today's selection you love to hate the most. Or, barring that, feel free to add your own nitpicks about the ads or my critiques.

Dark Zingers

So occasionally I like to toss around a bit of dark and/or cynical humour. It usually disappears from my head before I ever get a chance to write it down, especially since I try to keep my cynicism to a minimum while at work, so I wanted to share these small gems before I forget them completely.

From a Hangouts conversation yesterday (about paint colours):

Meanwhile, yesterday I also helped a co-worker move some furniture around the building. While moving backwards down the hallway with a bed we had the following conversation:

Coworker: Is there anything behind me?
Me: (Craning neck) Just a past full of choices you didn't make and regrets.
Coworker: Wait, what?
Me: No, all clear. No one's behind you.
Coworker: Oh, I thought I heard you say something else.
Me: Nope, just that.
Coworker: Huh.

I had another decent one but it pertains specifically to Final Fantasy XIV so I'll refrain for now. It's a very niche joke. Most of my actual jokes are lame. Or puns. Or lame puns. And some are just too subtle for people to pick up on right away, what can I say I have a dry sense of humour. Well, okay, if you insist, I'll tell one of my dryer FFXIV jokes (let me pretend damn you).

A member of my wife's Free Company was talking about how they were leveling a new character. The conversation went a something like this:

FC Mate: Yeah I've been leveling a ninja lately for fun
Me: Oh yeah?
Me: I don't believe you
FC Mate: Why?
Me: Because I never see any ninja's leveling
FC Mate: Well I don't get on my ninja very often but...

Obviously the joke went way over that person's head and I don't blame them, but I found it amusing. If you're having a hard time spotting the joke it's probably because you are thinking on it too hard. Also it's not laugh out loud funny, I just find it amusing. As I said, dry and subtle. Now go on, shoo. You probably have something better to be doing.