If you happened to catch my previous 'Things I Hate' then you know what's to follow. If not then you should know that I hate sponsored ads that try to disguise themselves as on-site content and this is me getting back at them in some small way. This isn't simply about deceptive marketing, however, this is also my chance to rant, rave, gripe, and cynicize (it's a word if I want it to be) about some of these ridiculous ads and, perhaps, society in general.
Railing ineffectually in 3....2....1...
1. Little Known Way to Pay Off Mortgage
This ad. If I keep doing the Things I Hate posts you'll see many different variations of this ad and I hate them in particular. Oh really!? A new way to pay of mortgage? You mean, besides time and money!? Oh PLEASE Daily Mortgage Monitor tell me how I might suddenly just pay off a loan that is usually measured in decades. Does it involve refinancing? How about consolidation? See, the thing I hate about the mortgage ads is that there isn't some miracle cure for debt, and that's exactly what Taboola is are hoping people assume when they word it as seen above. Like there is some secret that most people overlook. Unless you have your fingers deep into the world of finance you are probably already doing what's best for you. If you wanted more manageable payments you already refinanced, or decided that the interest over time wasn't worth the trade off. If you can make extra payments just on principle, then you probably already do. About the best I'd expect from clicking this ad is a refinance form or an advice column with such useful gems as Befriend Someone Wealthy or Cash in those Stocks.
2. Controversial "Skinny Pill" Takes Country By Storm
NO. JUST NO. There is no such thing as a skinny pill! This is complete BS! There are pills that supposedly help you lose weight if you are already exercising and watching your calories, such as Hydroxycut, but there is no pill that is just going to help you magically drop 30 pounds without some serious adverse affects. I know from past experience, the only thing that is really going to help you lose weight is diet and exercise. It's not what you want to hear. It's not what anyone wants to hear. You want to shell out the money and lose weight the easy way. There IS NO EASY way though. The skinny pill is a lie and Trending Lifestyles could choke down pills like a depressed Philosophy student and the only weight loss they'd experience would be from vomiting. Or maybe from a nutrition deficit from are eating that many pills. Don't even get me started on the taken-by-storm part. The only way stuff like this takes off is because mornings shows are paid the big bucks to discuss the BS 'next big breakthrough in weight loss pills' or some similar tripe.
3. Why You Should Color Your Gray at Home
eSalon, you make this too easy. First off, what grey hair? Two, why would I want to color my grey hair? I bet it will make me look distinguished. I could be the mysterious gentleman with the long grey hair, steeped in the pale rays of the moon...a rose gripped gently but firmly between my teeth and-- Er...whoops. Haha...ha..*ahem*. Right, number three, am I supposed to believe that the lady in the picture has more than a dozen grey hairs? She looks pretty young. Oh Snap! That's what they wanted you to think so you would say to yourself, maybe all I need to do is dye my hair...? I'm getting off topic though. This is about why you're supposed to dye it at home. Well you know what, screw that. Go to that salon, it's your night out after all. Treat yourself and dye your hair whatever color you want. Hell, dye your blond hair TO grey. You'll look distinguished.
4. Everything You Need to Know About Surface Pro 3
Everything I need to know about the what-now? *Googles* Oh, it's a tablet designed to be as capable as a laptop. That's pretty cool. Now, see what happened there? I looked up what I wanted to know and, oh my gosh what a coincidence, found out everything I wanted to know. Maybe therein lies the difference, however. I wanted to know. (This site offers a good point-by-point.) The Taboola ad needs you to need to know. The information is a necessity. You must know it, you must needs buy this Microsoft product right away- need to know more, must buy! Wait. Oh ho ho....what's this?
5. Angelina Jolie's Changing Looks
Er....it's called the aging process? It's a pretty normal thing. Yeah... Preeeeetty common.
So here we have another example of a cheap site trying to make a quick buck on a celebrity. I...I don't even have the energy for these. InStyle.com, I mean, what are you expecting? Anything? Some kind of standard of quality? Hold on, let me put my LCD screen to my forehead, I'm making a prediction....it's coming to me now: I see a...a shitty website...filled with advertisements...and...and a dozen pictures of dubious quality stolen from around the internet. Most are likely to be Angelina Jolie but several pictures are questionable. One is...just a picture of hair with some eyebrows at the bottom edge. Every picture has terrible and un-insightful commentary. I 100% made all that up but if anyone gets around to checking it let me know how many I got right. I'm gonna call 4/5 on this.
6. The Secret to the Best Vanilla Ice Cream
Food Network. Huh, what's Food Network doing advertising with Taboola? I wonder sometimes if the Taboola people sometimes just stick a random semi-reputable site in together with all the craptastic ones so that there is something recognizable there. Anyhow, you don't want to click that link (it's a picture, you can't anyways mwahahahaha) you want to hear me tell you my secret to the best vanilla ice cream? Drive any place that sells decent ice cream and pick up a pint of vanilla ice cream. I recommend Ben and Jerry's or Coldstone. Trust me on this. You'll make home made vanilla ice cream like, twice. It's a ton of work and it never turns out as good as the nicer stuff from the store. Certainly doesn't keep as well either.
Let me know about your own advertising nemesis or personal pet peeves in the comments. Or maybe just say hi. Or alternatively you can complain about me. No, it's cool. I understand. It's fine. I don't mind. Okay maybe a little. But you do what you have to do. I'm fine.
Railing ineffectually in 3....2....1...
1. Little Known Way to Pay Off Mortgage
This ad. If I keep doing the Things I Hate posts you'll see many different variations of this ad and I hate them in particular. Oh really!? A new way to pay of mortgage? You mean, besides time and money!? Oh PLEASE Daily Mortgage Monitor tell me how I might suddenly just pay off a loan that is usually measured in decades. Does it involve refinancing? How about consolidation? See, the thing I hate about the mortgage ads is that there isn't some miracle cure for debt, and that's exactly what Taboola is are hoping people assume when they word it as seen above. Like there is some secret that most people overlook. Unless you have your fingers deep into the world of finance you are probably already doing what's best for you. If you wanted more manageable payments you already refinanced, or decided that the interest over time wasn't worth the trade off. If you can make extra payments just on principle, then you probably already do. About the best I'd expect from clicking this ad is a refinance form or an advice column with such useful gems as Befriend Someone Wealthy or Cash in those Stocks.
2. Controversial "Skinny Pill" Takes Country By Storm
NO. JUST NO. There is no such thing as a skinny pill! This is complete BS! There are pills that supposedly help you lose weight if you are already exercising and watching your calories, such as Hydroxycut, but there is no pill that is just going to help you magically drop 30 pounds without some serious adverse affects. I know from past experience, the only thing that is really going to help you lose weight is diet and exercise. It's not what you want to hear. It's not what anyone wants to hear. You want to shell out the money and lose weight the easy way. There IS NO EASY way though. The skinny pill is a lie and Trending Lifestyles could choke down pills like a depressed Philosophy student and the only weight loss they'd experience would be from vomiting. Or maybe from a nutrition deficit from are eating that many pills. Don't even get me started on the taken-by-storm part. The only way stuff like this takes off is because mornings shows are paid the big bucks to discuss the BS 'next big breakthrough in weight loss pills' or some similar tripe.
3. Why You Should Color Your Gray at Home
eSalon, you make this too easy. First off, what grey hair? Two, why would I want to color my grey hair? I bet it will make me look distinguished. I could be the mysterious gentleman with the long grey hair, steeped in the pale rays of the moon...a rose gripped gently but firmly between my teeth and-- Er...whoops. Haha...ha..*ahem*. Right, number three, am I supposed to believe that the lady in the picture has more than a dozen grey hairs? She looks pretty young. Oh Snap! That's what they wanted you to think so you would say to yourself, maybe all I need to do is dye my hair...? I'm getting off topic though. This is about why you're supposed to dye it at home. Well you know what, screw that. Go to that salon, it's your night out after all. Treat yourself and dye your hair whatever color you want. Hell, dye your blond hair TO grey. You'll look distinguished.
4. Everything You Need to Know About Surface Pro 3
Everything I need to know about the what-now? *Googles* Oh, it's a tablet designed to be as capable as a laptop. That's pretty cool. Now, see what happened there? I looked up what I wanted to know and, oh my gosh what a coincidence, found out everything I wanted to know. Maybe therein lies the difference, however. I wanted to know. (This site offers a good point-by-point.) The Taboola ad needs you to need to know. The information is a necessity. You must know it, you must needs buy this Microsoft product right away- need to know more, must buy! Wait. Oh ho ho....what's this?
So definitely not Microsoft. Well, well, well, Mircosoft. Very sneaky, what were you hoping to accomplish there? Trying to cash-in on Microsoft's good reputation? You know, I'd call you some of the worst advertising scum out there but, you know, I've gotten so used to spam and cheap ads using slightly off names that you're just a nuisance now. All those emails from Bliizzard.com telling me my account has been compromised served as good practice. So, yeah Mircosoft, you just sit there and think about what you've done. You should feel bad. In the mean time I'm going to label this as SCAM.Mircosoft
5. Angelina Jolie's Changing Looks
Er....it's called the aging process? It's a pretty normal thing. Yeah... Preeeeetty common.
So here we have another example of a cheap site trying to make a quick buck on a celebrity. I...I don't even have the energy for these. InStyle.com, I mean, what are you expecting? Anything? Some kind of standard of quality? Hold on, let me put my LCD screen to my forehead, I'm making a prediction....it's coming to me now: I see a...a shitty website...filled with advertisements...and...and a dozen pictures of dubious quality stolen from around the internet. Most are likely to be Angelina Jolie but several pictures are questionable. One is...just a picture of hair with some eyebrows at the bottom edge. Every picture has terrible and un-insightful commentary. I 100% made all that up but if anyone gets around to checking it let me know how many I got right. I'm gonna call 4/5 on this.
6. The Secret to the Best Vanilla Ice Cream
Food Network. Huh, what's Food Network doing advertising with Taboola? I wonder sometimes if the Taboola people sometimes just stick a random semi-reputable site in together with all the craptastic ones so that there is something recognizable there. Anyhow, you don't want to click that link (it's a picture, you can't anyways mwahahahaha) you want to hear me tell you my secret to the best vanilla ice cream? Drive any place that sells decent ice cream and pick up a pint of vanilla ice cream. I recommend Ben and Jerry's or Coldstone. Trust me on this. You'll make home made vanilla ice cream like, twice. It's a ton of work and it never turns out as good as the nicer stuff from the store. Certainly doesn't keep as well either.
Let me know about your own advertising nemesis or personal pet peeves in the comments. Or maybe just say hi. Or alternatively you can complain about me. No, it's cool. I understand. It's fine. I don't mind. Okay maybe a little. But you do what you have to do. I'm fine.
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