This Is Not the End

Hello readers, aka. the few random people who stumbled in here looking for something else. It's been a while. 

I think I'm finally at a point where I think I have the time and mental resources to start writing again. I will return to writing and hope to bring my best and weirdest ideas to the table this time, at least more consistently. On the flip side, I promise less bitching about how hard it is to write. I think there is already enough evidence out there suggesting that, my previous entries included. And, really, complaining about writing only really makes me better at, well, complaining about writing. I don't think there is much opportunity with that kind of a niche. 

So, bear with me if you would, if anyone is still out there. I will resume writing, but it will probably be on a different site. Details to follow. Thank you to anyone whoever bothered to read a full post of mine, even if you happen to be some sort of Russian spammer artificially inflating my view counts and wreaking havoc on my analytics. You know who you are.

Last, but not least: To anyone who has ever struggled to make some sort of creative work, it's hard, it really is. There is never enough time in the day, and if you're anything like me your attention rarely stays on task. And hell if I didn't shake my fists at the skies and all that might be watching as I struggled to make sense of how advertising your own work is supposed to work. But don't give up. Your own progress is often invisible to yourself, and it's easy to get away from what you want to do because of time, circumstances, or your own doubts about whether or not anyone cares about what you're creating. And just because you put those goals aside doesn't mean you can't pick them up again. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of internal rallying, and yeah, your prospects of your creative works ever earning you money is, well, there are a lot of complicating factors. But there is still value in your work, for yourself, for other people, and ultimately it's a way for you to leave a mark on the world, to get closer to expressing, sharing, communicating your thoughts, your goals, what you love or hate, and what is close to you in this world. There is more reason to create than not. So, create.

Should I Close This Blog?

Ever tried to concentrate on something? Ever tried to concentrate on something, except that you can't, for the life of you, maintain that concentration? Every little sound, every thought, every person walking by and movement at the edges of your vision tearing your mind away from the task at hand? Ever had old associations bending your thoughts, funneling your mental processes down almost inescapable paths? That's me today, and it has been me quite a few times in the past as well. 

I had been thinking about resurrecting this old blog, because I've always been a believer in picking up where I leave off. I think it's a great way to maintain a sense of progress, even if you end up spending more time to refresh yourself than you would have spent just starting over. Continuing a project is, in my opinion, almost always better than starting over. Today, however, I'm on the fence. 

As I sat down to write a new entry today, to draw a line in the sand and start anew, I found it difficult to break away from the mental box I had constructed around this particular blog. I tend to divide my writing projects up, so each blog and journal I have develops a specific purpose, a dedicated style or goal. Perhaps it's the frustrating inability to concentrate that's exacerbating my issue, but I can't seem to just wash away my old mental designations for this blog.

This blog, No One Will Recall, was (and, for now, still is) my general writing blog; I started it back when my goal for writing was a career. My writing goals have since changed, my accounts have changed, and my entire view on writing has changed since then. Yet, for some reason, when I pop open a post for this blog the same old mental atmosphere returns. These days I'm not very critical of what I write, but before I balked at every other post idea, and often obsessed on writing itself, to the point that it was often hard to think about anything else. Some of that seems to remain, since I sat here for a good 30 minutes just staring at a blank page, wanting to write, but only able to think about being discontent over having nothing to write. Which led me to considering, should I close this blog?

Somehow, the thought of starting a new blog is inviting. New account, no old associations, less likely to have those old blog preconceptions crowding in on my post ideas. I'm tempted since, due to an account issue, I ended up creating a second Google account and have already moved most of my activities to the new account anyways. On the other hand, though, I will lose that progress, that history that I have here. I spent a lot of time here, trying to find a voice, obsessing over writing, struggling to make writing my 'thing'. My circumstances and perspective have changed though, so there is a sense of disconnect. Besides, and I say this without disappointment, it's not like this half-hearted blog ever really generated much interest or traffic.

So the question remains, soldier on and reshape this place, build upon its history and longevity? Or start anew, under a less ancient, more unified account, free from old associations? 

What Kind of Writer Am I?

I find myself asking this question a lot lately. You'd think that this would be a pretty simple question for someone who writes but I have a way of complicating even simple things. If you are feeling a little lost at this point, then I suggest you take a brief moment to read the title before we continue. There, feeling less lost now? Good. That makes one of us at least.

So, 'what kind of writer', what does that mean? For me it has be 'what is your style?', that thing that other authors, bloggers, writers, and probably editors and agents call your voice. Hmm. There is a lot I'd like to say, but I'm afraid most of it would be wishful thinking. You see, I used to have a fairly comedic style-  a mix of goofy and surreal humour, sentences that flowed easily into eachother, but that writing voice belonged to a younger version of me, a less tired and bitter version of me. My writing voice now, on good days, (like this very moment perhaps) is colloquial and personal, spiced with moments of dry or sardonic humour. The good days are far fewer than my bad days, however, and on those latter days it's hard for me to say if I have a style at all.

What would you call a style that consists of rambling to yourself in a literary way, in a slightly imperious air, about your negative thoughts and doubts, like a British aristocrat monologuing to himself in his study in the midst of a rainstorm, his room lit by a single flickering candle. What would you call that? Melodramatic? Oh, sad, you say. Yes, I don't think I can argue with you there. Then on bad days my writing voice is thus: sad.

I think even if I have a voice, however inconsistent it is, my real issue is how I might reconcile it with the types of writing I'd like to do. Put another way, will the same voice work for an essay, for a story, for a whatever, the same way it works for a blog post? That may be a bit of a useless musing, something I am quite good at, mind, but I should probably find out for myself. I'm not quite pinning a certain feeling down, though, as I write this. There is a thought bouncing around my mind, that tempts me to say 'it is ailing me', the brooding British noble trying to claw his way out of my mouth, or at least into my brain. Cease thy meddling and sweeping gesticulations amidst the confines of my mind, ye apparition, leave me!

The thought, I think, or at least I ponder, I wonder, or should I say ruminate upon, is that the style I have is not necessarily the style I want. At least, it is not the only style I want, and I would happily trade away my Melancholy Melodramatic British Man™ for a writing voice similar to Terry Pratchett's. How does develop another writing voice though? The me on paper is often so different from the me in real life. My colloquial, paper 'me' is perhaps closer than the wigged, portly, British man who occasionally possesses my fingers, and so it seems that I could just work on an additional voice to add to something I could one day haughtily refer to as my repertoire. Another part of me says, you are what you are, even in your writing voice, keep it or change it but you don't really have more than one, just multiple sides. You don't have more than one personality, and your writing is just a reflection of that. Oh, that sounds very wise. But tell me, wiser self, if that is true, what about that insufferable British man in my head?

Perhaps, if you ignore him, he will just go away...?

The Answer is to Give Up

My life, at least from where I stand, is so often paradoxical. I have to wonder if others share the same sentiment, particularly with regard to their own self-improvement and goals. Most lately what sits at the forefront of my mind is that often my best progress is made after I have given up. Of course 'giving up' implies that no more progress would be made, so perhaps it's more of a metaphorical casting-away. If I give something up, I get better at it.

Let me avoid being vague any further. Often I become fixated on a goal, writing for instance, and so I set myself about the goal as any other might. I try and make a practice schedule and stick to it. I read about writing and, in general, read more of everything. I do my best to immerse myself and drive myself forward so that I might make steady strides forward and improve upon my modest skill. Over time schedules, routines, can become hard to maintain. The goal becomes a source of stress, but you know what they say, time and pressure make diamonds. Perhaps I just never let the pressure build enough. I think as a pressure cooker I am woefully inadequate though, as I have myriad holes through which I can not help but lose steam. With that I know I can't make a diamond, I'm not even sure if I could make a good jam.

Then comes the decision to 'give-up'. It's not an inapt description, but it is a bit misleading. I do decide to give up. I do, in my current example, give up my writing schedule, and my focus on reading-up on writing, and additional reading, and all insistence of steady dedicated practice. I can't say that I gave up on the idea of writing but, on the steady pursuit of that goal, I have definitively relinquished control.

Yet for some reason I will always come back to the goals I gave up. I will come back, only with less stress, with less focus on improvement. I come back writing just to write, and somehow make better progress that way. I don't practice as often, I don't stare at a blank page until my brain pretends to start working. I just write when I can and somehow that works. And I don't understand that. I don't understand how dedicated practice can feel like such a standstill, yet make better progress with what feels like dabbling. It's as if dedicated practice is a trudge up a gravel hill with each step losing almost as much progress as you gained. It's not as if I couldn't climb higher that way, but it is so much more tiring. I am confused as to why this seems to be my lot. Fix sights. Strive. Give-up. Improve. In that order.

Email is Quaint

When did emails become quaint? It seems like not long ago writing pen and paper letters had become a thing of the past. How archaic, you have to manually drag ink-coated metal or graphite embedded wood across paper? My my, perhaps I should write with a quill for a more authentic experience! Email was the wave of the future; effortlessly compose and correct, instantly send, and revel in your ability to attach as much as you can cram into the file-size limit. Was. Email was the wave of the future, then that wave washed ashore with a quiet 'fsshh' and slid back out to sea. 

This realization dawned on me just a moment ago, as I considered sending an email. I hadn't sent one in a while and as I considered what to write I thought: maybe I should keep it short because I don't want to go overboard. Wait, go overboard? In an email? This, coming from the guy who used to write a small novel's worth in some emails? That's when it hit me, email is just an annoyance now. It's for when you need something in writing; also, it's a convenient place for all that junk mail to pile up. At least in my email I don't have to take the junk out to the recycling. 

We are so connected now that email is too much trouble. I can call someone with the touch of a button, and with hardly more effort I can see their face in a video chat. I can send instant messages, from anywhere that matters, and have a conversation in real time. Why do I need email again? Oh right, so I have somewhere convenient to store all my purchase receipts. Someone sent me an email? Weird, why didn't they just send a text message? I exaggerate a little bit, but not much. This is my generation now. Calling someone when it isn't urgent is considered a faux pas. I know I am in slightly more techy circles than some but I regularly log into a voice chat server where I am connected with all my friends and we talk whenever we have something to say, as if we were all just sitting at our computers with walkie-talkies. It's the next best thing to being in the same room. Email is just slow and clunky by comparison. 

So much for email. 

Things I Hate #10 - I Think We Know the Real Answer

Somehow I made it to #10. It only took me like 4 years and several lapses of motivation. And now here you have it, the  masterpiece  stunning  pretty good   mediocre article you've waited for!

1. 7 Credit Cards You Should Not Ignore If You Have Excellent Credit
Let it be known before-hand that I hate credit cards, so obviously I'm biased. I have one credit card and once I pay it off I will never, ever, carry a credit card again. In fact, I have sworn to never take out another loan or use credit again if it is within my power to avoid it. I'm certain that with the money I've paid in interest over the years I would be in a significantly better position than I am currently. With all that said I can't imagine people wanting a collection of credit cards, or even shopping around for credit cards. And I've never heard lines like "You have got to check out this credit card it's amazing."
The ad says these are cards you should not ignore. Sure, you can listen to the ad, but I think you'll be better off if you take my advice ignore them. Ignore them so hard.


2. Little Known Way To Pay Off Mortgage
I've covered this before so I'll keep this short. What kind of method do you think a site called LendingTree is going to suggest you use? I'll give you a hint, it rhymes with necromancing. (Hint: It's 'refinancing'.) Not exactly a little known way to pay anything off. Also, really, there is only one way to pay anything off. By putting money into it. By that line of thought the best way to pay something off is to increase your income. It's that simple.


3. What's Inside Slim Jims?
While I must admit this is actually an interesting article idea it's being served by Taboola. My suggestion? Just look up the article title on Google, or Bing, or whatever you use. Although, deep down we already know what's inside Slim Jims: copious fat, sodium, and the last of your self-respect.


4. 4 Items Every Man Shouldn't Leave Home Without This Summer
This article sounds...oddly specific. Like: 5 Nose-hair Trimmers No Woman Should Leave the Office Without This Autumn. Why? I can't imagine anything that I shouldn't leave home without except my phone, and my phone does the work of just about any other electronics I could think to bring. Well, I also bring my wallet. I travel pretty light. Oh, plus I usually bring my keys...and a pen. Come to think of it, the article says 'Items'. The picture is some phone (likely designed by someone recently concussed) implying that the 'Items' are electronics but, really, they could be anything. I'd say I named the items already if it didn't qualify the statement with 'This Summer'. Really? What items should I not leave home without 'This Summer' and This Summer only? Was there a mutant wasp outbreak caused by a solar flare? Oh there was? Oh, okay so the 4 items are wasp spray, radiation pills, spf 200 sunscreen, and a baseball bat for when you run out of wasp spray. Man, that must have been a crazy summer.


5. Hurry up to learn the trick : $30 for an iPad
Sound too good to be true? It isn't! Or, wait, no, I meant is. It IS too good to be true. I checked out one of this style of sites once. They want you to buy credits to bid on specific items, and if you're really lucky maybe you can grab an auction for less than it normally goes for. Like most auction sites though if it's a popular item other people are going to push the price into normal retail value range. Also, keep in mind that you paid upfront for credits to use on the auctions. You paid the auction site up-front. For every 1 guy who wins something on that site there or 20 or 30 who lost and aren't getting their pre-paid credits back. So basically it's a scam. I mean, it seems like it's technically legal, but it's still a big ass scam. There you go- a serious entry. And I only made attempt at being funny.


6. The 6 Worst Cars at the Detroit Auto Show 2013
Wow, look how hopelessly out of date this ad is. It most certainly isn't because I saved this image in 2013 and have been incredibly lazy about posting for going on 4 years. That would just be ridiculous!



Well that's all for this one. This was a rough one for me since there wasn't as much to work with. Hopefully the next one will be up (or down?) to their usual abysmal quality. 

Things I Hate #9 - Finish the Damn Titl...

Behold the monstrous visage of terrible clickbait advertisements. Now let's tear it apart to see what makes it tick. Now who is the real monster?

1. 5 Signs You'll Get Cancer
Let me start of by pointing on that this under-handed ad preys on your fear of vulnerability to cancer. Oh no! I don't want to get cancer I better click this link so I can better protect myself! Although now that I think about it, it says nothing about risks, it just says 5 signs you'll get cancer. Guess that means it's unavoidable and nothing matters anymore. In any case whatever it says is probably utter garbage, a literary sewer back-up presenting the latest pointless health conspiracies. So instead here are my 5 Signs You'll Get Cancer.

• You bath in gasoline.
• You can only enjoy food when it has been charred beyond recognition.
• You feel breathing is too easy by default so you like to keep your home filled with a thick blanket of smoke.
• You can't sleep at night unless your Geiger counter makes a constant soothing click noise.
• You believe that sunscreen does nothing- it's a hoax like global warming. 

2. The 3 Worst Things that Age You Faster (AVOID)

You know, if you are going to capitalize everything else in your title, you might as well get that last word. I hate to admit it, it's technically right, but everything else is capitalized, finish that fucker off. Now, where to start? The picture shows someone exercising, so it seems like they are trying to imply that exercising can in some way make you age faster. Chances are the picture is unrelated though. This is clickbait after all. Also, what's up with the "(AVOID)"? I mean, these are about things that age you faster, do you really need to tell people not to do them? This is an elixir from the Fountain of Infirmity, don't drink it! (AVOID). Duh. More garbage.

3. 10 Crazy Alternate Endings

If this wasn't from Movieseum (wtf is that even) this sounds like it could actually be an interesting article. Although the harsh reality is that most of those endings didn't make it into the final product because they aren't that great. Sometimes an alternate ending can provide insights into characters or details from the movie. Sometimes the alternate ending is dumb or barely distinguishable from the actual ending. Either way, I don't expect a site called Movieseum to provide more than a bare minimum of effort. Certainly nothing engaging is there. And, goddamnit, what have I told you ads about jamming two words together for a site name. You lazy bastards.

4. 16 Exercises You Must Do If You Want To Lose Weig...

Oh how I loathe these types of ads in particular. The mere title perpetuates a common myth that there are exercises that make you lose weight (or target certain areas). There aren't. The short version is that it's entirely dependent on calories in versus calories out. I can give you a better version of whatever article was linked (minus whatever product they are trying to push) just by rearranging the title. Behold: Exercise You Must, If You Want To Lose Weight. Also, seriously fuck this title. Fuck this title in particular. It trails off implying there is more after 'Weight' but they could have just as easily finished writing weight. The title would have still made sense! Seriously, c'mon!

5. 18 Celebrity Hairstyles We Hope To NEVER See Again

A cheap ad-ridden site filled with low-res photos and the occasional absurdly high res photo (for no particular reason) with each picture accompanied by a poorly written snarky comment. That's my guess as to what that link leads to. Oh, and they'll force you to click "Next" for each one. Now, if you've ever read any of my old Things I Hate posts you may know that I care next to nothing about celebrities. My general thought process being 'leave them the hell alone'. So, you know, even if this article was being presented by someplace more reputable than whatever Refinery29 my feelings would still be about the same: The article concept is garbage and I could care less. 

6. You Won't Believe What This Teen Can't Do Whil...

Toyota? Somehow I doubt that is the official Toyota site. Also, let's bullet point this shit because I have a lot to nitpick on this one. 

• The picture depicts someone driving, the site is supposedly Toyota, and the title implies 'While Driving'. Key word being implies. The link probably is something to do with driving but I'm just saying this could just be a big switcharoo.
• Fuck. Just add the goddamn 'e' before the ellipses. 
• I bet I can believe it.
• The trailing title and the picture of a young blonde girl (with her mouth open and an aloof expression) suggest something sexual in nature at the end of the diseased rainbow that is this ad. The content is most certainly not sexual. I'd bet money on it. Their goal is to get you to click, not to be truthful. 
• The picture and the title 'What This Teen Can't Do' combined prey on the stereotype of dumb blondes even though it's likely completely irrelevant. The picture implies that the article concerns a blonde girl. However, aside from the picture (which is frequently misleading) nothing confirms that the article is even about a girl much less a blonde. It says 'Teen'.

Well that's all for now. I'll leave you with this thought for now: Why do I share all this? Well partially to indulge my indignant rage, but also because I don't want you to click on these. The rancid ad-meat of Taboola ad blocks might just go away someday if everyone stops clicking on their shameless links. Also because these crap ads provide much insight into the wider world of ad psychology. 

Let's Talk About Thermal Expansion - "The Sausage Incident"

Today I learned a valuable lesson. Always use the right size lid for your pan. Heed my tale.

So there I was, standing around the house. Warren had just been put down for a nap and I had things I needed to do but, just then, I hungered. The beast demanded meat. Luckily for us we’ve been eating high protein meals as part of a new diet plan. I could have some cottage cheese. Maybe. Or some chicken thighs. Hmm. Tilapia was also an option. Nah.

No, what I needed today was Bratwurst. A thick tube of beer-infused fatty meaty goodness that I could throw between two pieces of bread and slather with mustard for a transcendent lunch experience. I ripped open the package and flung a brat into the pan, I think there was an angelic choir involved. The sausage landed with a wet and anti-climactic plop. Also, I turned on the heat.

A few minutes later and the sausage is coming along nicely. The packaging says I should pour in some water at this point and cover for 12 minutes. I briefly consider this but, then again, I don’t want to muddle my bratwurst. I figure I’ll just let it finish frying in the pan, alone, at a lower heat. I got this. Although that bit about the lid sounds smart, I decide. If I throw a lid on maybe it will finish cooking slightly faster. That’s about when things started to go wrong.

At this point I should mention that we got a new pot and pan set for Christmas. I dug through the myriad covers lurking in the back of the cupboards for the right lid, only, there is no right lid for this newer pan. There is smaller lid. Ah. There is a lid of the exact same size as the previous lid. Uh...okay. And there is a lid of monstrous proportions that might just be a satellite dish that broke off of the international space station. Wonder if I should report that. No worries though, I still got this. There’s still that lid- it might fit.

The lid in question is vintage- a thick slab of metal with a handle attached. A couple hundred years ago people would have called it a buckler and appropriated it for honorable combat. It’s 2017 now though, so it’s a pot lid. The lid belongs to a set that originated in the 70’s, if the color is any indication, back when the design philosophy was that even if you can’t survive the nukes, you kitchenware should at least.

I gingerly placed the lid over the sizzling miracle that was my bratwurst. The alternative lid fit, but it didn’t rest lightly on the edge like a normal lid. No, this lid was slightly too small for the pan but rested nicely on the inner diameter about a quarter inch down. The result seemed more-or-less perfect. Seemed. Let’s just say it was less than perfect. I set the timer for 8 minutes and then most certainly did something significantly more productive than stand in the kitchen staring at the stove for the next 7 minutes.

Now, let’s talk about thermal expansion. Thermal expansion is the concept that when the temperature of a material increases so does the material’s volume. That means when you heat something it gets ever so slightly bigger. This is something I did not take into consideration at the time. No worries though, I got this.

So the pan comes off the heat slightly early. I want to make sure that the bratwurst is done before I reset the timer. I give a tug on the lid but it seems to be just a bit tight. Also the lid is radiating heat like it’s a fire-demon and I just beat it in a game of checkers, so I dutifully wait. Meanwhile, the bratwurst continues to sizzle in its iron cage- sounding its hauntingly beautiful sausage siren song.

A few minutes later the pan has cooled quite a bit. A few experimental tugs on the lid reveal that it’s more than a bit tight. The lid is so stuck that I can lift the entire pan by the lid. I can, in fact, bounce the pan up and down by the lid. Er, I think I still got this, though.

I’m generally a smart guy. I realize that the lid must have expanded due to the heat therefore, I surmise, all I need to do is cool everything down and it will contract. Brilliant. I got this. The pan, the new pan may I remind you, has now cooled down enough that I feel safe running it under some cold water. So I do. The pan and lid have now been cooled to the point that they are now cold to the touch. I tug on the lid. Nothing. I try to apply some simple leverage. The only good grip point is the pan handle, which threatens to bend anytime I apply more than moderate force, and a small black plastic handle in the center of the lid, which seems to be suggesting that all of creation will give way before it does.

I don’t got this.

It was around this point that I started to panic. I have just ruined a brand new pan and a 15th century buckler. Then it occurs to me, more contraction, that’s the solution! I open the freezer and pop the entire pan in and close the door. I even set a timer so my anxious meddling doesn’t interfere with the cold. I listen for the metallic pop of the lid coming loose but it never comes. Suddenly a new fear dawns on me. What if the heated lid created such a perfect seal that the bratwurst-space became essentially airtight? By that logic, by cooling the pan in the freezer, I am causing the trapped air to contract and creating negative pressure. The inside of the pan is becoming a vacuum. I realize my sausage is now a tiny, doomed, earthbound cosmonaut trapped in an artificial vacuum: Brat-space.

I yank the pan out of the freezer. My panicked man-brain is telling me that only a hammer can resolve this now. Somehow I think this is the proper course of action. Yes. The only course of action available to me now. Something in the back of my brain is telling me "just run and never look back". There is no turning back past this point. On my present course, at its logical conclusion, I will be digging a shallow grave at the base of a mountain in the rain. Fortunately for me I seem to have misplaced the hammer.

Out of options I revert to the primitive cave-man parts of my brain. There are no large rocks around so I drop to my knees and begin hitting the side of the pan on the ground with increasing force. In the course of 15 minutes I have become a monkey with a bone. The sky turns red and I think I see a black monolith out of the corner of my eye. My greasy cosmonaut is on the ride of his life in brat-space. Be brave for me bratwurst. Be brave. I can hear it bouncing around the inside of the pan with a sound like a liver in a bass drum.

Suddenly- it happens in slow motion- the lid comes off and everything is airborne. The moment is a combination of shock and awe. I watch the slick, engorged bratwurst wobble through the air in glorious flight and a spray of thick meat juices. I can hear the brilliant chords of the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing as the sausage reaches the apex of its arc. Somewhere in the back of my mind I feel as if I have inadvertently stumbled upon a homoerotic fan-fiction.

The sausage lands with an uninteresting ‘thppt’. The pan appears to be undamaged.

Everything is back to normal now. In one moment I had abandoned thousands of years of evolution, the next I am on my knees in the kitchen with an undamaged pan, an oleaginous mess, cold lunch, and a lid that could have served as a tank hatch in a past life.

And that is why you should always use the right size lid.

The Christmas Present Lie

Although I haven’t been inside an actual mall in years now I still remember just what it was like around Christmas. I recall waiting in long lines to see Santa, Christmas music barely audible over the din of talking people, the echoes off the large hallways and expansive storefronts, glitter, cotton, fake snow, and plastic decorations everywhere. Maybe there were ornate card stock snow flakes dangling from the ceiling and certainly there were lights and Christmas trees. What I remember most is that, to me, everything seemed tinged by an intangible warmth- a holiday glow as it were. I remember, too, waiting with solemn determination to state my carefully refined selections for presents. It was the time of year when my heart’s desires might appear beneath a tree if I made them known.

Of course, I was aware of where the gifts came from. I hadn't been under the false impression that my gifts were delivered by a large old man in a red suit save for a few years when I was particularly young. Although, coincidentally, several of my gifts were indeed delivered each year by an older man with a white beard and red clothes. That is to say, my grandfather in a red flannel. Yet for some reason, until sometime in my middle school years, I still went to see Santa at the mall with my sisters. Somehow that stranger in a red suit still seemed connected to the gifts I received. As if stating my wishes somehow made them more real than writing them on a Christmas list.

As a kid I gaped at adults when they told me that presents didn’t really matter to them. I was shocked that they could lie so plainly. Had they lied to themselves so convincingly that they now believed it? Presents were a huge part of the Christmas experience. What was Christmas without presents? Without something to unwrap? Surely something terrible had happened to them. I didn’t understand.

By 22 though I began to have some doubts. Still, even if I didn’t look forward to Christmas with quite the same excitement I would have been lying if I said I wasn’t excited. My gift preferences had just changed and there was less suspense. Also on some levels I didn’t always trust people to get me the right gifts for some of my more advanced interests, which limited my list somewhat.

Jumping forward to the present I am suddenly aware that I have been tainted. My younger self would be horrified to see me now. I spent months dragging my feet to put together a Christmas list, even under constant reminders from family who wanted to get their shopping done early. I literally spent several evenings staring at a blank document while I tried to figure out what I could reasonably ask for. I couldn’t think of any presents I that I really wanted.

Of course that’s actually a lie. My younger self was right about that much. I do still want presents, it’s just that the presents I want now won’t fit under a tree. If I was standing in line at the mall, amidst the color and the noise, I would also know just what I was going to ask for. As I approached the front the mall Santa would look around expectantly for my kid, only to realize with a dawning expression of confusion that I was unaccompanied. I would walk forward and the Santa would look at his elf helper, who would look at me and then back to Santa before putting up his hands and backing away slowly.

Sitting on Santa’s lap I would look at him and tell him, from one uncomfortable bearded man to another sweatier uncomfortable bearded man, that I had a few things I wanted for Christmas. “I would like a career that pays ‘enough’. I want to have no more debt. I would like time enough to pursue my creative and academic interests. I want to do what I love for work. And to stop having to rely on help just to get by. And a college education. And to be able to help my friends and family pursue their own dreams. And...”

Maybe Santa would smile a small smile and nod knowingly. Maybe mall security would gesture toward their radio, silently suggesting I move along. I don’t plan on visiting a mall Santa any time soon though so perhaps I’ll never know.

My Writing Rules - 2016 Edition

 It has been a little over a year now since I started 'No One Will Recall' over again, from the metaphorical ashes of my old writing. With a lot of big changes in my life coming up I figured it was time to look back over some of this year's works and take a mental inventory. See how far I've come and where I should be going, and maybe revise my rules a little.

I think the most difficult issue that I've struggled with this year is actually writing about things I care about. I feel like for any normal person this is a non-issue. I've always had a problem with 'saving the best for last' because I don't want to waste an idea. I actually wrote about this very thing last year. I'm always afraid I'll ruin my interests and, to be fair, every time I have attempted my favorite ideas in the past I have butchered them. Unfortunately that's a necessary evil though. Your best ideas are also the best for practice because you know exactly how you want them to turn out. When I fail to live up to my own vision of a piece I can examine it and see exactly where I went wrong. Running your best ideas through the grinder is some of the best possible experience. Using a throw away idea doesn't provide the same sort of perspective, or even incentive. Messing up a throw-away idea carries no weight because, "It was a throw-away idea anyways". Perhaps that is an unmentioned rite of passage; feed your items to your creative flame, and the ideas that survive are those worthwhile...?

Another issue that I've run into has been dwelling on myself/my thoughts. In some posts, like this one, focusing on self-examination is pretty much unavoidable. I noticed though, that especially as my writing tapered off in January my posts were shifted towards dwelling on my failures and agonizing on my deficiencies. Overall I think I've reduced how often I agonize over my writing, but I need to extend that effort even further. I'm prone to bouts of depression, but adding a simple rule might help me to avoid long cyclical posts in which I don't really accomplish anything. I really wouldn't mind pouring my depressing thoughts onto a page as long as I have direction and an end goal.

Speaking of ruining interests and talking in circles, my last noticeable issue is a lack of interest. Not surprising really. I update inconsistently, my writing is still improving, and to be fair a lot of my posts probably aren't that interesting. Nobody wants to hear about me, you don't know who I am and my writing isn't refined enough to interest anyone in my process (what process). I've already decided to reduce posts dwelling on myself, which is a good first step but I need more than that. I don't know what people want to read but I know that traditional writing isn't cutting it for me. I wish there was a way to seamlessly combine visual media and the blocks of text I'm prone to. There has to be something else out there that works better for me. So I need to experiment. Which means I need to fail a lot. I need to explore and find what works for me, because if I find it interesting I'm sure some others will too.

Last, I'd like to improve on the humor of my writing; which is more of a personal goal so I'll be leaving that one off the list (below). Once, I used to pepper my writing with small jokes throughout, these days I tend toward the serious. Although, I still manage occasional dry or sarcastic humor. 'Things I Hate' has helped me work on comedic phrasing but I could definitely use more practice. I don't really have a message or cause I want to convey. I write because I want to evoke emotion and entertain, and comedy would be a valuable skill towards that end.

5 Basic Rules for Improving my Writing (2016 Edition)

1. Write often. 

2. Do not worry about what you will write about. If you write enough you will figure out what you really want to write. Ruin your interests- write about what you love most as often as you can stomach it.

3. Whenever possible: Wait at least 24 hours, reread, and revise.

4. Read often and actively, not passively. Read often; stop and think.

5. Explore different genres and styles both in writing and reading. Experiment until you find what works.

 

6. Don't dwell on yourself.

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.003 - Top 5 Bad Guys (From movies, anime, and games)

Hey people and lack of people, we finished up another episode of Useless Musings. I know that next to no one actually listens to this stuff but this most recent episode is pretty good if you like anime and gaming, at least by our standards. Top 5 Villains gave us a much broader topic to discuss so we covered a diverse range of characters and really tried to determine what makes a villain good (or bad? help?)

This episode ended up coming out much later than I initially planned because I wanted to try adding in some visuals. So if you are the type to just listen and stare at the screen, well, then at least you'll have some cool character art to look at. If not, well, then you have something to reference if you hear a name and think, "Who the fuck is that?".

No download link yet but I'll try and have one up a bit later Download link for mp3 version here; for now you can watch using the Youtube link below. The video has actually been out for over a week now, but I figured if anyone still stops by my homely little blog/writing space they might be interested.

https://youtu.be/-v1Q3pMY3tw

 

 

I have a few other talks in mind for the upcoming weeks if I'm not too busy. I doubt anyone cares strongly at this point in time what Sachi and I cover next, but if you want to throw in your 2 cents leave a comment. We're thinking about covering Legend of Korra, Log Horizon, Sword Art Online, or possibly Elders Scrolls III: Morrowind.

By Moonlight My Words Indistinct

I was going to write about my college experiences and contrast the quintessential American college dream, but then I realized I was too tired to do it justice. Indeed, I probably shouldn't be writing this article right now either as, inevitably, I will end up cleaning up my paragraphs in the morning as surely as I'd be cleaning sloshed and spilled shots after a night of drinking. Writing fatigue is, unfortunately, something that I've had to deal with a lot since I picked writing back up. I do most of my writing after work now or after over-sleeping on the weekends and, as a result, I've had to contend with the many small errors and lapses of concentration that accompany being tired. For me though, this is just something that I have to deal with since waiting until I don't feel tired means that I don't write much, and I already don't write very often.

As I've gotten older I've noticed more and more how much fatigue influences my ability to perform. I don't think that I was ever really resistant to the effects of a sleep deficit when I was younger, I think I just didn't notice in the same way I do now. I've noticed the ways that it muddles my thinking, scatters my concentration, how it makes me feel physically weaker, and rasps my voice so that I can't sing right. I don't even always feel like I'm not performing well. When playing a game or practicing something I just slowly begin to mess up more frequently, until I reach a point where I feel as though I've somehow regressed. When typing tired I frequently make more mistakes like spelling errors, absentmindedly inserting wrong words, or repeating parts or repeating part of a sentence.

Writing fatigued makes practicing writing very difficult, because my memory is also affected. I don't retain as much of my practice as I would if I had practiced for the same amount of time in the morning. It's very easy to make mistakes when you are tired and, well, you play like practice. The lack of concentration further complicates the matter as it can make for weak or rambling sentences, lack of awareness (more spelling errors), and bland or reused word choice.

Writing is, mentally, a very high energy activity. My brain, and yours too, can only handle so much each day before it starts discarding bits of memory and attention. After a long day, especially one already spent dwelling on challenging thoughts, an activity like writing, (or chess, or detail-work) is daunting. Complex writing topics can feel like a wall when you're trying your best to make them work but your tired brain won't translate anything into text that doesn't read like a 5-year-old talking in circles. Even worse, sometimes my brain just outright quits like: "Nope, I've had enough. Sleep mode engage."

I look forward to a time in which I can write without feeling like I'm about to nod off at any moment. Most weekdays if I stop moving or drinking coffee long enough to catch my breath I feel like I'm about to fall asleep. I'd suspect that I have some sort of fatigue issue but the more likely story is that I'm over-worked, over-stressed, and highly over-caffeinated. I'm not sure if that affects my writing in ways beyond fatigue but it could go some way towards explaining why my posts feel like precariously stacked word-towers. I'm curious to know what sort of impression my writing gives readers; I'm far too biased to be able to tell what my own writing is like without a good two-month buffer between writing and review.

Perhaps the most detrimental aspect of writing tired is that I tend to focus on my problems. For me, at least, fatigue and negativity are closely related, it takes a lot of effort not to be negative when I am exhausted. My inspired ideas are easy drop when tired, that is, hard to keep vivid in my head. When I'm tired and negative however, all my negative thoughts are easy to pour out since they are at the forefront of my mind. People don't particularly care about your problems though unless they are invested in your life, or your particular problems For me this means that dwelling on my issues pretty much makes for uninteresting pieces. I end up working on writing about problems instead of working on something truly creative or challenging. Is writing about my problems cathartic? Yes, somewhat. As with most negative thoughts, however, I tend to go around in circles. The fatigue cycle is a difficult one to break without changing your circumstances and, unfortunately, my circumstances are not so easy to change.

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.002 - Introduction to Final Fantasy XIV

Before I ramble too much: Mp3 can be found here.
Youtube version is available lower on the page.

I decided to branch out from writing a little bit. I have been having a lot of fun working on my new podcast series with Sachi the past two weeks. Starting up the podcast was kind of spur of the moment but I had been thinking about it for a long time. These days, well, actually for a while now, time has been a major limiting factor for all my creative endeavors. Motivation is probably a close second. So I've taken to using a 'whatever works' approach to my creative projects. It's why you haven't seen me posting here very often for a while; writing is something I enjoy very much but it takes a lot out of me. The podcasts, however, I have actually been able to muster some motivation for and they allow me to continue expanding creatively.

 I've wanted to do something collaborative for a long time but could never really get my other friends behind any of my ideas. I wanted to try Let's Plays but poring over recorded footage is very time consuming and I haven't had time for quite a while (though that might finally change later this year). I also considered doing reviews or funny shorts, but due to either time, technical issues, or general lack of interest I had to back down. When I examined why those projects never got off the ground I decided it was because I wasn't playing to my strengths, or rather, my group's strength. My friends and I aren't particularly funny people (though we have our moments), but we are great at interesting and often weird discussions; from Physics and Philosophy, to Anime and Gaming.

Right now it's just Sachi and myself, but I have future plans to drag my other friends into if I really latch onto this podcast idea. (And so far I really like it.)

Well that's enough irrelevant blabbing for now, let me get to the actual podcast. In this episode Sachi and I talk about Final Fantasy XIV, Square Enix's 2nd MMORPG final fantasy. We were originally supposed to discuss the game at large but it more or less turned into a crazy introduction mixed with stories. We're still getting the hang of this. One change you might notice is that we now have an intro. Also, in this particular episode I played around with some music in the background. Let me know your thoughts on that here or in the comments of the Youtube video.

Right now I'm using just a simple static splash screen but episode 003 will include some simple visuals to add a little interest for anybody listening through Youtube. As with all my projects suggestions and comments are very appreciated.

 

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.001 - One Punch Man

I finally had a chance to work on a project I've wanted to try for a long time now. I present a new podcast/webcast: Useless Musings with myself, fatalerrer (or Naja Thrashe after my Final Fantasy XIV character),  and my lovely co-host Sachi Tajima.

In our pilot episode we discuss One Punch Man, touch on Bleach, and wander into Final Fantasy territory. We're still very new at this so feedback and suggestions are very welcome!

Things I Hate #8 - Absolutely Avoid This

And I'm back with another 'Things I Hate'! Laugh, cry, be educated...kinda, explore new...profound depths? Look, I don't know, scroll down and start reading.

1. Top 10 Great Movies that Failed

Hey, off to a great start. Just don't bother to capitalize 'that' in the title. It's not like anyone will notice, or fixate on it like an itch that they are unable to scratch. Nope. Can't think of a single person. *twitch* While I'm nit-picking though, what kind of name is Movieseum? You can't just stick parts of words together and call it a day! That's literally what comedies when they need to come up with a terrible name. It's like if I took a pair of glasses, covered them in glitter, and then called them Spectactacles™ (spec-TAC-ta-culs). That's the same level of effort your site name is on. Now, what was I going to talk about again? Oh, yeah, movies. I'm assuming they mean the movies failed financially, because if they failed in any other way I'm not really sure how they can be 'great'. Also, should I recognize that picture from something? I feel like I'm supposed to recognize that as a specific movie. Anyhow, I'm sure it's harmless click bait but it's not worth your time. Usually articles like those don't even manage to successfully stick to their theme the entire way through. I bet the only real effort put into the article was the title hook.

2. 5 Exercises That Age You FASTER (Avoid #1 at All Costs)

 25 Signs That Your Walls Are Secretly Filled to the Brim With Snakes (#17 is Terrifying)! 11 Dance Moves That Will Spontaneously Eject Bones From Your Body (Absolutely Avoid #3)! See? I can make up nonsense titles too. Exercise isn't going to 'age' you faster. There are lighter exercises and more intense exercises, but regardless getting your heart rate up is generally healthy for you. Now, high impact exercises can do some damage in the long-run but they don't age you. For example, running is hard on your knees so if you do a lot of running you are more likely to develop knee problems. If you exercise by punching walls, suplexing weight bags, or, if you're a complete masochist and practice gymnastics you're probably going to feel it in a few years. With that all I have to say is....Run old man! Run! They'll devour you if they catch you!

3. Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl Davis are Back Together! (PHOTO)

Who are these people and why should I care? No, seriously, I have no freakin' clue who these people are. I'm pretty sure with a name like Maksim I'd know if I'd heard of them. Alright time to break out Google. So...Maksim is apparently a dancing champion and instructor. And Meryl Davis is an ice dancing Olympic gold medalist. Uh...huh. As click bait I have to feel this ad has already failed. Are there enough people out there who know these people, much less care that they are a couple? They sound like interesting people but I still can't see why I should care about their personal lives. In fact, here's how much I care: (PHOTO) 

Okay, no photo, I was lying.

4. 10 Evil People You Won't Believe Existed

This could be a really cool article...if it was hosted on a reputable site. Somehow I don't expect OMGmoments to do a list like this justice, or even check their facts. I suspect a list like this is full of the legends surrounding 'evil' people like Elizabeth Bathory bathing in blood, or Rasputin being a bonafide wizard. OMG! I can't believe people like that existed!Lolololololratchet

5. An Interesting Way to Pay Off Mortgage Faster

Hold up bills.com, I'm going to stop you right there. There is nothing interesting about mortgage unless you're a banker. Mortgage is such a boring subject that they threw in a picture of a rainbow coloured house in the hopes that your interest might be piqued. I'd like to point out that too that the picture is pretty much irrelevant. Also a rainbow coloured paint job is probably going to lower your property value. Just sayin'. But that's not what we're hear to discuss, we want to know an interesting way to pay off mortgage faster. What confuses me though is that there is really only one way to pay off mortgage faster and that's by making an extra payment directly to the principle (Zzzzz). So... How else can you pay off a mortgage other than making more money? Out of curiosity I looked up some methods offered by Bankrate.com and there were things listed like refinancing to a shorter mortgage (30 years to 15 for example) or making week-based payments which amounts to a couple extra payments a year. So in the end the only way to pay off a mortgage faster is to pay more money. Kinda depressing.

6. Warren Buffet Reveals How Anyone With $40 Could Become a Millionaire

I hate articles like these. Really hate them. They're like the lottery, full of false hope and outlandish promises. I'd like to draw your attention to one word in the article's title though: "Could". Just like you could win the lottery. Just like you could become a movie star. Just like you could become a world class performer. You have to understand one thing though, in all those examples minus the lottery, the people who achieved those goals started young and pursued their goals obsessively, often to the exclusion of many other things, like starting a family. Warren Buffet grew up poor and became obsessed with making money. He dedicated his life to business and finances and pursued his opportunities aggressively. Even if you followed in his foot-steps though no amount of hard work is going to guarantee that you will meet with the same success. It's a long-shot that depends largely on the people you meet and to some degree luck. The implication that Buffet is revealing some secret to making millions is absurd and misleading. 

Well that's all I got, I'll get off my soap box now. Leave me some tasty tasty comments. Let the hate flow through you.





Wild Abandon - More 'Thoughts of the Day'

- Upon hearing that there were endless variants of our own reality I took it upon myself to stray from my place in the dimensional spectrum to see what lay within the realm of possibility. In one reality society was distinctly more feline. Although, saying it like that is perhaps a bit misleading. It would be more accurate to say that evolution of public sanitation was distinctly more feline. Bathrooms were, rather, box rooms or litter rooms. You would politely find a corner of the sandy room and do your business, using either a litter shovel or kicking motions to bury your deed. The box rooms, so named because they were usually a disconnected room within a larger structure, typically included a comfortable carpeted area on top of the box/room. In that society it was normal to wait on top of the box, lounging on the plush carpet. It was accepted, no, expected even that if you had been kept waiting for some time that as the occupant exited the box that you reach down and thump them on the head. In some high-end establishments there were even employees whose job entailed tapping each person on the head as they exited. The gesture was between a nod and a 'high five', and niceties such as warm towels or colognes/perfumes were tossed down afterwards. (Or slowly pushed over the edge as it were.)


- Ever notice how small, trivial details can collude to create a memorable moment out of an otherwise ordinary event? It happens to me most often while I am enjoying a book or a show, the combination of emotions and my circumstances blend together into a moment that, in memory, is more than the sum of the parts. I read the The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and enjoyed it immensely, but my experience while reading it made it all the more memorable. After a long day of work followed by several hours of home renovation and a lazy dinner I would find a comfortable position on our old couch, wrap up in a blanket and crack a window enough to circulate the air but not let in too much of the winter cold. I'd light a cigar and spend several hours reading by the diffuse light of our tower lamp mixed with the glow of flames from the pellet stove. Usually a cat was draped over me purring loudly. Another favorite of mine was sitting cross legged on my computer chair at 1am, my arms tucked into a sweatshirt while our failing boiler strained to keep the house at a modest 60-65 (F) degrees. I was watching Steins;Gate on my computer with the volume turned down (so as not to disturb my wife) and occasionally sipping coffee. It was particularly memorable because several weeks earlier we had swapped our computers out of the office and into the living room.


- Move tile inspiration - Wizard of OZ III: Toto Vengeance


- Sometimes I feel phantom pains and I wonder if in some adjacent reality whether some accident or injury befell my counterpart.


- Sometimes I feel the need to pick up an obscure or relatively pointless skill. Like learning Morse Code for example. Honestly, who even knows Morse code anymore?


- Sometimes I become oddly focused on certain aspects of my body. Sometimes I notice how my pulse actually interferes with my ability to hold my hand steady. When it's really quiet I notice how it  sounds like there is a really high-pitched noise just at the edge of hearing (that's not actually there). Occasionally I'll feel two tiny rings, symmetrical, in roughly opposite spots, whenever I touch the roof of my mouth with my tongue. When I chew I sometimes fixate on the muscle that flexes just above my temple.
     I became annoyed when I discovered one day that I could bend my pinky finger on my left hand to my palm independently of the other fingers. Yet, on my right hand, I was unable to touch my pinky to my palm without uncontrollably bending the finger next to it. Luckily I'm fairly certain I figured out why. I regularly use my left pinky independently to hit CTRL or SHIFT on the keyboard, my right hand does not.
     Before I regularly kept a mustache I used to trace the groove in my upper lip. Everyone has it but I'm not sure why it's there. On the subject of facial hair, I also absent-mindedly twirl my soul patch when I'm studying something. I think it's a requirement or something.


- I had a dream about a WWII museum in which all the exhibits were represented with housecats. There were tanks and planes, all the real stuff, all appropriately scaled down and accurate, except the people were replaced by cats standing on their hind legs. Imagine a Hitler cat at a podium, talking to a field of other cats saluting. Imagine a cat dressed in an army uniform, his paw outstretched pointing forward, while behind him a field of tanks began advancing. Manning the guns on the tanks are cats of all colours, some of them only kittens. In a paratrooper exhibit a line of cats waits for their turn to jump, lit red by the glow of the jump light, while the jump captain cat looks out the open hatch, his head tilted as if looking at something that had just fallen over the edge. Call me crazy...but if someone actually built this I think it would be huge.

Ruminations on Renovations

Four years ago, when my wife and I bought our first house, we bought a fixer-upper because we were hoping try our hand at renovations and, hopefully, make a profit when it came time to sell and move. For some people buying a house is a huge, largely permanent, decision. For us buying a house was just the only reasonable alternative to renting an apartment, even if it was going to be more troublesome when we inevitably moved again. Buying a house, even a small crappy split-ranch that hadn't been updated since the 70's felt more comfortable. It was exciting to know that I could learn how to renovate as I went. However badly I might botch a renovation it was nice to know we wouldn't have a landlord breathing down our necks.

Well, I did actually end up learning my way around some basic renovations. Luckily I never truly botched a job and had to call in a professional. By some miracle I've progressed from feeling an overwhelming sense of dread and uncertainty whenever I pick up a new project, to feeling confident about most improvements. However, being young, uncertain, and fairly broke, the renovations these past four years have progressed slowly. I'd get home from work and want to spend time with my wife, or relax with friends. When I reached decent stopping points it was hard to work up the motivation to start the next exhausting leg of a project. Inevitably that would mean pouring my entire weekend into a frustrating learning experience so that I could return to work unrested and sore. As you might imagine there was quite a bit of procrastination going on. That's not to say that I couldn't work quickly. For instance, when there was a desolate flange where our old toilet once was, and my bowels threatened a reenactment of Mt. St. Helens, I learned how to install a toilet with surprising celerity. Yet situations like that also added to my sense of trepidation. Before I had accumulated the experience I have now I approached each new step with a mixture of fear and enthusiasm. I was always anticipating the possibility that I was going to fuck something up beyond my ability to fix it or, worse, my ability to afford it. Thanks to some mixture of luck and ingenuity though that was never an issue.

These days renovations are a different story. I don't think I've ever felt so satisfied doing renovation work as I have lately, and it just took a change of circumstances. When the decision came to finally sell the house I knew it was time to finally finish working on our bathroom. To put the bathroom work in perspective when we first moved in the tub was tiny, the walls covered in terrible 70's green and gold fleck paneling, the vanity was decrepit, the fixtures cheap, oh and the toilet was at an angle because the floor beneath it had begun rotting. The bathroom was going to be our big project. My wife and I grabbed crowbars and attacked the bathroom like Gordan Freeman at a headcrab convention. By the time we were finished the bathroom was a husk; bare floor and stud walls. In the first year when we had more money to burn we managed a substantial amount of work. I replaced the floor, bought drywall (but then let it sit there for a long time), replaced the toilet, replaced the tub with a larger and roomier one, and even updated a lot of the plumbing and fixtures. Then things got tighter and the purchasing slowed, and so did the work. Over time we bought a vanity and a faucet for it. Eventually I worked up the courage to start trying to attach the drywall which, due to my negligence, was now warped and dusty. More time and much savings later we bought real flooring and I sucked-up and began my first frustrating attempts to apply plaster. There was a lot of down-time between each of those projects though, frequently months.

Then about a month ago it all changed. My wife and our new addition, a baby boy, decided to stay with family a while. She was going to look for work in the area we planned to move to. Meanwhile, I was to concentrate on finishing up projects so the house could sell. I honestly expected the whole process was going to be a drag; all work and no play. I didn't think that being alone and coming home from a job I was ready to leave a year ago was going to leave me with much energy to accomplish anything. Historically my response was procrastination and exhaustion when I took the time to do more renovation work. I surprised myself though. This was the first time ever I've ever actually lived alone; no wife, no room mate, no family staying with us, not even a dog. I didn't have companionship to look forward to when I came home anymore, just alone time watching shows or playing games. I found the difference in working on renovations versus my usual pass-times was really just a matter of engagement.

Working on the house quickly became a daily routine and it was engrossing. The renovations required most of my attention but seeing the changes and the progress was satisfying. I didn't feel the same sense of restraint anymore, nor did I feel like I was wasting my day. I didn't have to worry about whether the bath-tub was currently unusable, or the house cluttered with tools and drywall dust. Who was I going to inconvenience beside myself? For the same reason I felt more confident about each new project I tackled, and I had further reassurance from my accumulated experience. I was no longer a complete beginner on the ground floor, I had reached a point where I was starting to see patterns and understand the processes. I didn't have to crack open a book and reread the same passage 14 times in order to be sure what I was doing was right. When I decided to tile around the tub I did some light research, bought what I needed, read the instructions, and knocked it out in a day. When I had to install drywall around the tub walls and plaster them, well, I had already done it once. And when I realized that there was no insulation in the entryway walls? Some profanity followed by a resolve to tear it down, fill it in, and patch it up.

It's almost an addiction. You go to the Home Depot, or Lowes, or local hardware store and you fill up your freight cart with all this new shiny stuff, all these colourful tools, bring it home and make something. It's like arts and crafts for grown-ups, except you don't hang it on the wall afterwards, it is your wall. Inevitably, each new project demands a new tool. Just when you think you have everything you could ever need you discover something necessary, or at least leagues more convenient. Buying tools begins to feel for all the world like buying a new toy. I hate to admit to such a ubiquitous stereotype but I'm starting to really like tools to the point that some might wind up on my Christmas list. It's not the tool itself, it the potential represents.Well...also the fact that the right tool typically means you're being spared a substantial amount of effort/suffering.

Even now I am still in the midst of renovations but it's nice to look back and see some progress now. My bathroom which has looked mostly unfinished for years now has a fully functioning shower and tub (the tub has been functional for years, just not the shower), the goddamn walls after what seems an eternity are mostly smooth (I hate working with plaster), the walls are painted, the vanity is finally hooked up, the flooring installed. I mean, it's pretty much complete barring superficial details such as a radiator cover, trim, and some shelving I want to install. Each day I look at another list I've drawn up and cross more and more off, even as some of my previously small projects expand a bit. After all that work it's nice to see, on paper and off, that all your time and effort is paying off.

These Thoughts of Mine

My thoughts throughout the work day:

- Someone called out sick for work today and listed their reason as "cough". I'd like to think that if someone is calling out for a "cough", especially on a day that we're already short, it's because "cough" translates to "mysterious coughing up blood disease".


- When I was in middle school I'd read books like Harry Potter and watch movies similar to Brave Story or The Goonies, stories about young heroes overcoming incredible odds. Not sure if this is unusual or not, but I'd always imagine myself in the character's position and think to myself 'If that were me I'd be dead.'


- Somewhere out there are factories making sex toys and I bet there are people who have been working there for years who haven't admitted what they do. 
"Where do you work?"
"A...toy factory."
Yet someone out there is inspecting silicon dildos for quality control or packing rubber vaginas into boxes.


- I feel pretty ingenuitive sometimes when I come up with a creative solution for a convoluted problem. I only wish I wasn't also the source of most of my convoluted problems.


- If eating healthy weren't so time-consuming I'd do it all the time. When it takes an hour and a half to make bread, 20 minutes for a 'quick' pasta lunch, and at least an hour to make a decent soup it adds up way too quick.

This is For You (But It's Not)

2/11/16 - Edited for consistency/clarity (v1.1)

I've had conflicting loyalties in my writing lately. No, maybe for a while. Now, this is just between you and me- no really, it's literally between you and me. You see I'm writing because I want you to read what I have to say. That's a fundamental nature of writing, one writes so that they may be read. The problem is I keep letting you, dear reader, get in my way. Of course, I'm also getting in my own way and I'm good at that. It's okay though, we can share the blame.

The problem, my problem, is that I keep trying to write for you. I mean, that's what I'm supposed to do. You are my audience, you are my purpose, the reason behind my writing. Writing to be read and all that. The issue is that that's not the only side, nor even the most important side. I also need to write for myself. The issue is that I keep falling into this trap, over and over again, of writing in a style that I don't care for, and skimping on the topics I do care for, all because I believe I'm writing what others want to read. I'm tailoring my writing to you, even though I don't even know what you want, what you like. Does that even make sense?

There is a middle zone I am aiming for, where I will be writing for you and myself. If I was writing solely for me that would essentially just be self-reflection or journaling. Which is fine, but it's clearly not writing for an audience, it's not writing meant for you, reader. Writing solely for an audience is catering, or perhaps just being a soulless copywriter. The fine line that I have trouble walking is writing for you about topics that I care about, and in a way that I enjoy. The thing is, having an audience is so rewarding, even just the potential for feedback of any sort has this invisible influence over what I write. So I end up writing cautiously, I doubt my opinions, I restrict my scope, when really I should shotgun-method the hell out of my writing to see what works. Writing is about connecting, and if I'm not going to try and connect genuinely what's the point?

I have a hard time writing unrestrained. Should I swear? Should I avoid swearing? Should I be consistent? Should I write articles? Should I write fiction? Should I try and divide and organize all the different categories I might try? Or should I just post inspirations as it comes to me? Should I avoid my life at large or should I include it in my writing? I can't decide, and like a singer standing nervous, center-stage, alone, I freeze up. Even when I do manage to write my voice falters.

I wonder if I should stop trying, or, not to mince words, stop caring. I don't mean that to sound defeatist, but I always seem to be at my best when I'm 'not trying'. I think that the deeper root of my aforementioned problem is that I try too hard. I wanted to do things right so I started a blog to get a little exposure, thought maybe I would write more if I had a modest audience. I've been fixated on improving my writing for the last two years and I started reading more, and made numerous attempts to write on a regular basis. I tried having a 'when it's completed' release schedule, and when I took months to get anything done I tried a weekly schedule. I've tried giving myself reading lists- a mix of classics and current interests, I've tried to stick to rules of writing, I've tried to write reviews with balanced and well-rounded coverage. I've tried to write like I was going to be published (practice like you perform). I've tried to emulate professional writers. I've tried to write in ways that might appeal to some specific communities I frequent. I tried to always write my best. I've tried way too much. I keep sticking to conventions. I keep worrying about being inconsistent. I keep worrying about quality and appeal. I don't know why I keep falling into the same traps over and over again. I don't know why I wrote 'dear reader' in the first paragraph except that I routinely, unwittingly, tailor my writing for some unknown reader. I'm not even a 'dear reader' kind of person unless I'm being ironic.

I don't want to care any more. When I stop caring I can finally concentrate, I've felt it before with other things. If I stop caring all that will be left is the writing. No rules. No worries about category. No reading lists of books I'm only half interested in. No deadlines. I can doubt myself as much as I want and just keep going, because I don't have to worry about anyone else. I know what I want to do. I don't have to worry about whether or not my writing is shitty, or mediocre, or dry, or forced. I'm never satisfied anyways.

So, you know what. I don't care anymore. Thanks for reading. I'll see you whenever I update next.

Thought Pad - Posts That May or May Not Be

Just a quick post, more for my own reference than anything else.

Prone though I may be to bouts of depression I generally try and stay positive. So when I say that many of these post ideas (that will follow) may never come to fruition it is simply because they will be replaced by better ideas or there are just too many for me to get to. Still, I'd like to make a point of recording them just in case. So, once more I will record various ideas and thoughts I have.

- How We Are Trained to Play MMO's: As far as games go there are a lot of things in MMORPG's that aren't easily definable as fun (though that seems to be improving through the years). So why put so much time into a game that isn't fun? Brushing aside that many modern games aren't necessarily meant to be "fun" per se, I believe it's because we were trained or tricked into liking them. (I thought it would be fun to view the MMORPG phenomenon through my own darkly tinted experiences, and examine why I started out mostly disliking games like WoW and Ragnarok online but played them anyways.)


- Cleaning and Entropy: This was more of an idea than a fully-formed article. The thought behind it is that the need to clean is caused by entropy so the act of cleaning is actually an act of rebellion against the forces of entropy itself. That would make cleaning a rather arrogant act and, of course, you would never find any respite from cleaning as entropy is a foe that knows no end. I like the idea but there just isn't much more to write about beyond that condensed bit.


- Borderlands is a Bad Game and I Love It: I've really enjoyed the Borderlands world, art style, and even the gameplay itself despite the fact that it suffers from some really poor design choices. The game really falls short of greatness on several fronts yet I've dumped more hours into the game on PC and PS3 than even Skyrim. "RPG first person shooter" is the sole pillar that holds the game up in a sort of Diablo II meets Serious Sam sort of way. Borderland's greatest strength is that it is unique on several fronts, core among those being the major gameplay mechanics which are old concepts presented in a new way. Despite an alluring new style of gameplay, aesthetics, and a memorable world Borderlands largely failed to live up to its potential, especially in its sequels, and the core gameplay suffers from repetition and a shallow focus on the world and characters. (This article idea is essentially just a review of the game, its strong and weak points, and with a focus on why Borderlands is a 'bad' game in a lot of ways and how it manages to pull through regardless.)


- Handsome Jack: 2-Dimensional Villain or Suprisingly Complex?: Handsome Jack, to me, is a confusing character. It's hard to for me to imagine someone like him actually existing, and not just because Handsome Jack is laughably evil and self-absorbed. As a character Jack seems to be all over the place in personality. The easiest side to identify is also the most flat; Jack as megalomaniacal dictator of Pandora is annoyingly one-sided. The bottom line? If you think that Jack is going to have a redeeming quality or is going to stop being an evil-dick for a moment, he's not. Borderlands 2 and Tales from the Borderlands have many 'gotchas' in that regard. Yet beneath the shallow exterior Handsome Jack has the potential for incredible depth. Brief moments here and there suggest that Handsome Jack actually sabotages his own sympathetic traits by being the universe's biggest asshole. It's as if Jack truly wanted to be liked but didn't believe himself deserving, nor capable of redemption. Furthermore we know that despite his hellacious methods Jack had some noble goals for Pandora. So evidence suggests that Jack was pursuing noble goals with terrible methods, he has a human side that he is trying to cover up, and that despite those things, deep down inside, he is probably also still just a dick by nature. It's hard to tell if Handsome Jack is a poorly written character with accidental depth or a well-written character with hidden depth, but in either case I find him a hard character to read. (This prompted me to want to examine him as a character in the two games I know him from. Unfortunately I don't have Borderlands the Pre-Sequel for reference which could potentially poke holes in some of my theories.)