2/11/16 - Edited for consistency/clarity (v1.1)
I've had conflicting loyalties in my writing lately. No, maybe for a while. Now, this is just between you and me- no really, it's literally between you and me. You see I'm writing because I want you to read what I have to say. That's a fundamental nature of writing, one writes so that they may be read. The problem is I keep letting you, dear reader, get in my way. Of course, I'm also getting in my own way and I'm good at that. It's okay though, we can share the blame.
The problem, my problem, is that I keep trying to write for you. I mean, that's what I'm supposed to do. You are my audience, you are my purpose, the reason behind my writing. Writing to be read and all that. The issue is that that's not the only side, nor even the most important side. I also need to write for myself. The issue is that I keep falling into this trap, over and over again, of writing in a style that I don't care for, and skimping on the topics I do care for, all because I believe I'm writing what others want to read. I'm tailoring my writing to you, even though I don't even know what you want, what you like. Does that even make sense?
There is a middle zone I am aiming for, where I will be writing for you and myself. If I was writing solely for me that would essentially just be self-reflection or journaling. Which is fine, but it's clearly not writing for an audience, it's not writing meant for you, reader. Writing solely for an audience is catering, or perhaps just being a soulless copywriter. The fine line that I have trouble walking is writing for you about topics that I care about, and in a way that I enjoy. The thing is, having an audience is so rewarding, even just the potential for feedback of any sort has this invisible influence over what I write. So I end up writing cautiously, I doubt my opinions, I restrict my scope, when really I should shotgun-method the hell out of my writing to see what works. Writing is about connecting, and if I'm not going to try and connect genuinely what's the point?
I have a hard time writing unrestrained. Should I swear? Should I avoid swearing? Should I be consistent? Should I write articles? Should I write fiction? Should I try and divide and organize all the different categories I might try? Or should I just post inspirations as it comes to me? Should I avoid my life at large or should I include it in my writing? I can't decide, and like a singer standing nervous, center-stage, alone, I freeze up. Even when I do manage to write my voice falters.
I wonder if I should stop trying, or, not to mince words, stop caring. I don't mean that to sound defeatist, but I always seem to be at my best when I'm 'not trying'. I think that the deeper root of my aforementioned problem is that I try too hard. I wanted to do things right so I started a blog to get a little exposure, thought maybe I would write more if I had a modest audience. I've been fixated on improving my writing for the last two years and I started reading more, and made numerous attempts to write on a regular basis. I tried having a 'when it's completed' release schedule, and when I took months to get anything done I tried a weekly schedule. I've tried giving myself reading lists- a mix of classics and current interests, I've tried to stick to rules of writing, I've tried to write reviews with balanced and well-rounded coverage. I've tried to write like I was going to be published (practice like you perform). I've tried to emulate professional writers. I've tried to write in ways that might appeal to some specific communities I frequent. I tried to always write my best. I've tried way too much. I keep sticking to conventions. I keep worrying about being inconsistent. I keep worrying about quality and appeal. I don't know why I keep falling into the same traps over and over again. I don't know why I wrote 'dear reader' in the first paragraph except that I routinely, unwittingly, tailor my writing for some unknown reader. I'm not even a 'dear reader' kind of person unless I'm being ironic.
I don't want to care any more. When I stop caring I can finally concentrate, I've felt it before with other things. If I stop caring all that will be left is the writing. No rules. No worries about category. No reading lists of books I'm only half interested in. No deadlines. I can doubt myself as much as I want and just keep going, because I don't have to worry about anyone else. I know what I want to do. I don't have to worry about whether or not my writing is shitty, or mediocre, or dry, or forced. I'm never satisfied anyways.
So, you know what. I don't care anymore. Thanks for reading. I'll see you whenever I update next.
I've had conflicting loyalties in my writing lately. No, maybe for a while. Now, this is just between you and me- no really, it's literally between you and me. You see I'm writing because I want you to read what I have to say. That's a fundamental nature of writing, one writes so that they may be read. The problem is I keep letting you, dear reader, get in my way. Of course, I'm also getting in my own way and I'm good at that. It's okay though, we can share the blame.
The problem, my problem, is that I keep trying to write for you. I mean, that's what I'm supposed to do. You are my audience, you are my purpose, the reason behind my writing. Writing to be read and all that. The issue is that that's not the only side, nor even the most important side. I also need to write for myself. The issue is that I keep falling into this trap, over and over again, of writing in a style that I don't care for, and skimping on the topics I do care for, all because I believe I'm writing what others want to read. I'm tailoring my writing to you, even though I don't even know what you want, what you like. Does that even make sense?
There is a middle zone I am aiming for, where I will be writing for you and myself. If I was writing solely for me that would essentially just be self-reflection or journaling. Which is fine, but it's clearly not writing for an audience, it's not writing meant for you, reader. Writing solely for an audience is catering, or perhaps just being a soulless copywriter. The fine line that I have trouble walking is writing for you about topics that I care about, and in a way that I enjoy. The thing is, having an audience is so rewarding, even just the potential for feedback of any sort has this invisible influence over what I write. So I end up writing cautiously, I doubt my opinions, I restrict my scope, when really I should shotgun-method the hell out of my writing to see what works. Writing is about connecting, and if I'm not going to try and connect genuinely what's the point?
I have a hard time writing unrestrained. Should I swear? Should I avoid swearing? Should I be consistent? Should I write articles? Should I write fiction? Should I try and divide and organize all the different categories I might try? Or should I just post inspirations as it comes to me? Should I avoid my life at large or should I include it in my writing? I can't decide, and like a singer standing nervous, center-stage, alone, I freeze up. Even when I do manage to write my voice falters.
I wonder if I should stop trying, or, not to mince words, stop caring. I don't mean that to sound defeatist, but I always seem to be at my best when I'm 'not trying'. I think that the deeper root of my aforementioned problem is that I try too hard. I wanted to do things right so I started a blog to get a little exposure, thought maybe I would write more if I had a modest audience. I've been fixated on improving my writing for the last two years and I started reading more, and made numerous attempts to write on a regular basis. I tried having a 'when it's completed' release schedule, and when I took months to get anything done I tried a weekly schedule. I've tried giving myself reading lists- a mix of classics and current interests, I've tried to stick to rules of writing, I've tried to write reviews with balanced and well-rounded coverage. I've tried to write like I was going to be published (practice like you perform). I've tried to emulate professional writers. I've tried to write in ways that might appeal to some specific communities I frequent. I tried to always write my best. I've tried way too much. I keep sticking to conventions. I keep worrying about being inconsistent. I keep worrying about quality and appeal. I don't know why I keep falling into the same traps over and over again. I don't know why I wrote 'dear reader' in the first paragraph except that I routinely, unwittingly, tailor my writing for some unknown reader. I'm not even a 'dear reader' kind of person unless I'm being ironic.
I don't want to care any more. When I stop caring I can finally concentrate, I've felt it before with other things. If I stop caring all that will be left is the writing. No rules. No worries about category. No reading lists of books I'm only half interested in. No deadlines. I can doubt myself as much as I want and just keep going, because I don't have to worry about anyone else. I know what I want to do. I don't have to worry about whether or not my writing is shitty, or mediocre, or dry, or forced. I'm never satisfied anyways.
So, you know what. I don't care anymore. Thanks for reading. I'll see you whenever I update next.
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