By Moonlight My Words Indistinct

I was going to write about my college experiences and contrast the quintessential American college dream, but then I realized I was too tired to do it justice. Indeed, I probably shouldn't be writing this article right now either as, inevitably, I will end up cleaning up my paragraphs in the morning as surely as I'd be cleaning sloshed and spilled shots after a night of drinking. Writing fatigue is, unfortunately, something that I've had to deal with a lot since I picked writing back up. I do most of my writing after work now or after over-sleeping on the weekends and, as a result, I've had to contend with the many small errors and lapses of concentration that accompany being tired. For me though, this is just something that I have to deal with since waiting until I don't feel tired means that I don't write much, and I already don't write very often.

As I've gotten older I've noticed more and more how much fatigue influences my ability to perform. I don't think that I was ever really resistant to the effects of a sleep deficit when I was younger, I think I just didn't notice in the same way I do now. I've noticed the ways that it muddles my thinking, scatters my concentration, how it makes me feel physically weaker, and rasps my voice so that I can't sing right. I don't even always feel like I'm not performing well. When playing a game or practicing something I just slowly begin to mess up more frequently, until I reach a point where I feel as though I've somehow regressed. When typing tired I frequently make more mistakes like spelling errors, absentmindedly inserting wrong words, or repeating parts or repeating part of a sentence.

Writing fatigued makes practicing writing very difficult, because my memory is also affected. I don't retain as much of my practice as I would if I had practiced for the same amount of time in the morning. It's very easy to make mistakes when you are tired and, well, you play like practice. The lack of concentration further complicates the matter as it can make for weak or rambling sentences, lack of awareness (more spelling errors), and bland or reused word choice.

Writing is, mentally, a very high energy activity. My brain, and yours too, can only handle so much each day before it starts discarding bits of memory and attention. After a long day, especially one already spent dwelling on challenging thoughts, an activity like writing, (or chess, or detail-work) is daunting. Complex writing topics can feel like a wall when you're trying your best to make them work but your tired brain won't translate anything into text that doesn't read like a 5-year-old talking in circles. Even worse, sometimes my brain just outright quits like: "Nope, I've had enough. Sleep mode engage."

I look forward to a time in which I can write without feeling like I'm about to nod off at any moment. Most weekdays if I stop moving or drinking coffee long enough to catch my breath I feel like I'm about to fall asleep. I'd suspect that I have some sort of fatigue issue but the more likely story is that I'm over-worked, over-stressed, and highly over-caffeinated. I'm not sure if that affects my writing in ways beyond fatigue but it could go some way towards explaining why my posts feel like precariously stacked word-towers. I'm curious to know what sort of impression my writing gives readers; I'm far too biased to be able to tell what my own writing is like without a good two-month buffer between writing and review.

Perhaps the most detrimental aspect of writing tired is that I tend to focus on my problems. For me, at least, fatigue and negativity are closely related, it takes a lot of effort not to be negative when I am exhausted. My inspired ideas are easy drop when tired, that is, hard to keep vivid in my head. When I'm tired and negative however, all my negative thoughts are easy to pour out since they are at the forefront of my mind. People don't particularly care about your problems though unless they are invested in your life, or your particular problems For me this means that dwelling on my issues pretty much makes for uninteresting pieces. I end up working on writing about problems instead of working on something truly creative or challenging. Is writing about my problems cathartic? Yes, somewhat. As with most negative thoughts, however, I tend to go around in circles. The fatigue cycle is a difficult one to break without changing your circumstances and, unfortunately, my circumstances are not so easy to change.

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.002 - Introduction to Final Fantasy XIV

Before I ramble too much: Mp3 can be found here.
Youtube version is available lower on the page.

I decided to branch out from writing a little bit. I have been having a lot of fun working on my new podcast series with Sachi the past two weeks. Starting up the podcast was kind of spur of the moment but I had been thinking about it for a long time. These days, well, actually for a while now, time has been a major limiting factor for all my creative endeavors. Motivation is probably a close second. So I've taken to using a 'whatever works' approach to my creative projects. It's why you haven't seen me posting here very often for a while; writing is something I enjoy very much but it takes a lot out of me. The podcasts, however, I have actually been able to muster some motivation for and they allow me to continue expanding creatively.

 I've wanted to do something collaborative for a long time but could never really get my other friends behind any of my ideas. I wanted to try Let's Plays but poring over recorded footage is very time consuming and I haven't had time for quite a while (though that might finally change later this year). I also considered doing reviews or funny shorts, but due to either time, technical issues, or general lack of interest I had to back down. When I examined why those projects never got off the ground I decided it was because I wasn't playing to my strengths, or rather, my group's strength. My friends and I aren't particularly funny people (though we have our moments), but we are great at interesting and often weird discussions; from Physics and Philosophy, to Anime and Gaming.

Right now it's just Sachi and myself, but I have future plans to drag my other friends into if I really latch onto this podcast idea. (And so far I really like it.)

Well that's enough irrelevant blabbing for now, let me get to the actual podcast. In this episode Sachi and I talk about Final Fantasy XIV, Square Enix's 2nd MMORPG final fantasy. We were originally supposed to discuss the game at large but it more or less turned into a crazy introduction mixed with stories. We're still getting the hang of this. One change you might notice is that we now have an intro. Also, in this particular episode I played around with some music in the background. Let me know your thoughts on that here or in the comments of the Youtube video.

Right now I'm using just a simple static splash screen but episode 003 will include some simple visuals to add a little interest for anybody listening through Youtube. As with all my projects suggestions and comments are very appreciated.

 

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.001 - One Punch Man

I finally had a chance to work on a project I've wanted to try for a long time now. I present a new podcast/webcast: Useless Musings with myself, fatalerrer (or Naja Thrashe after my Final Fantasy XIV character),  and my lovely co-host Sachi Tajima.

In our pilot episode we discuss One Punch Man, touch on Bleach, and wander into Final Fantasy territory. We're still very new at this so feedback and suggestions are very welcome!

Things I Hate #8 - Absolutely Avoid This

And I'm back with another 'Things I Hate'! Laugh, cry, be educated...kinda, explore new...profound depths? Look, I don't know, scroll down and start reading.

1. Top 10 Great Movies that Failed

Hey, off to a great start. Just don't bother to capitalize 'that' in the title. It's not like anyone will notice, or fixate on it like an itch that they are unable to scratch. Nope. Can't think of a single person. *twitch* While I'm nit-picking though, what kind of name is Movieseum? You can't just stick parts of words together and call it a day! That's literally what comedies when they need to come up with a terrible name. It's like if I took a pair of glasses, covered them in glitter, and then called them Spectactacles™ (spec-TAC-ta-culs). That's the same level of effort your site name is on. Now, what was I going to talk about again? Oh, yeah, movies. I'm assuming they mean the movies failed financially, because if they failed in any other way I'm not really sure how they can be 'great'. Also, should I recognize that picture from something? I feel like I'm supposed to recognize that as a specific movie. Anyhow, I'm sure it's harmless click bait but it's not worth your time. Usually articles like those don't even manage to successfully stick to their theme the entire way through. I bet the only real effort put into the article was the title hook.

2. 5 Exercises That Age You FASTER (Avoid #1 at All Costs)

 25 Signs That Your Walls Are Secretly Filled to the Brim With Snakes (#17 is Terrifying)! 11 Dance Moves That Will Spontaneously Eject Bones From Your Body (Absolutely Avoid #3)! See? I can make up nonsense titles too. Exercise isn't going to 'age' you faster. There are lighter exercises and more intense exercises, but regardless getting your heart rate up is generally healthy for you. Now, high impact exercises can do some damage in the long-run but they don't age you. For example, running is hard on your knees so if you do a lot of running you are more likely to develop knee problems. If you exercise by punching walls, suplexing weight bags, or, if you're a complete masochist and practice gymnastics you're probably going to feel it in a few years. With that all I have to say is....Run old man! Run! They'll devour you if they catch you!

3. Maksim Chmerkovskiy and Meryl Davis are Back Together! (PHOTO)

Who are these people and why should I care? No, seriously, I have no freakin' clue who these people are. I'm pretty sure with a name like Maksim I'd know if I'd heard of them. Alright time to break out Google. So...Maksim is apparently a dancing champion and instructor. And Meryl Davis is an ice dancing Olympic gold medalist. Uh...huh. As click bait I have to feel this ad has already failed. Are there enough people out there who know these people, much less care that they are a couple? They sound like interesting people but I still can't see why I should care about their personal lives. In fact, here's how much I care: (PHOTO) 

Okay, no photo, I was lying.

4. 10 Evil People You Won't Believe Existed

This could be a really cool article...if it was hosted on a reputable site. Somehow I don't expect OMGmoments to do a list like this justice, or even check their facts. I suspect a list like this is full of the legends surrounding 'evil' people like Elizabeth Bathory bathing in blood, or Rasputin being a bonafide wizard. OMG! I can't believe people like that existed!Lolololololratchet

5. An Interesting Way to Pay Off Mortgage Faster

Hold up bills.com, I'm going to stop you right there. There is nothing interesting about mortgage unless you're a banker. Mortgage is such a boring subject that they threw in a picture of a rainbow coloured house in the hopes that your interest might be piqued. I'd like to point out that too that the picture is pretty much irrelevant. Also a rainbow coloured paint job is probably going to lower your property value. Just sayin'. But that's not what we're hear to discuss, we want to know an interesting way to pay off mortgage faster. What confuses me though is that there is really only one way to pay off mortgage faster and that's by making an extra payment directly to the principle (Zzzzz). So... How else can you pay off a mortgage other than making more money? Out of curiosity I looked up some methods offered by Bankrate.com and there were things listed like refinancing to a shorter mortgage (30 years to 15 for example) or making week-based payments which amounts to a couple extra payments a year. So in the end the only way to pay off a mortgage faster is to pay more money. Kinda depressing.

6. Warren Buffet Reveals How Anyone With $40 Could Become a Millionaire

I hate articles like these. Really hate them. They're like the lottery, full of false hope and outlandish promises. I'd like to draw your attention to one word in the article's title though: "Could". Just like you could win the lottery. Just like you could become a movie star. Just like you could become a world class performer. You have to understand one thing though, in all those examples minus the lottery, the people who achieved those goals started young and pursued their goals obsessively, often to the exclusion of many other things, like starting a family. Warren Buffet grew up poor and became obsessed with making money. He dedicated his life to business and finances and pursued his opportunities aggressively. Even if you followed in his foot-steps though no amount of hard work is going to guarantee that you will meet with the same success. It's a long-shot that depends largely on the people you meet and to some degree luck. The implication that Buffet is revealing some secret to making millions is absurd and misleading. 

Well that's all I got, I'll get off my soap box now. Leave me some tasty tasty comments. Let the hate flow through you.





Wild Abandon - More 'Thoughts of the Day'

- Upon hearing that there were endless variants of our own reality I took it upon myself to stray from my place in the dimensional spectrum to see what lay within the realm of possibility. In one reality society was distinctly more feline. Although, saying it like that is perhaps a bit misleading. It would be more accurate to say that evolution of public sanitation was distinctly more feline. Bathrooms were, rather, box rooms or litter rooms. You would politely find a corner of the sandy room and do your business, using either a litter shovel or kicking motions to bury your deed. The box rooms, so named because they were usually a disconnected room within a larger structure, typically included a comfortable carpeted area on top of the box/room. In that society it was normal to wait on top of the box, lounging on the plush carpet. It was accepted, no, expected even that if you had been kept waiting for some time that as the occupant exited the box that you reach down and thump them on the head. In some high-end establishments there were even employees whose job entailed tapping each person on the head as they exited. The gesture was between a nod and a 'high five', and niceties such as warm towels or colognes/perfumes were tossed down afterwards. (Or slowly pushed over the edge as it were.)


- Ever notice how small, trivial details can collude to create a memorable moment out of an otherwise ordinary event? It happens to me most often while I am enjoying a book or a show, the combination of emotions and my circumstances blend together into a moment that, in memory, is more than the sum of the parts. I read the The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and enjoyed it immensely, but my experience while reading it made it all the more memorable. After a long day of work followed by several hours of home renovation and a lazy dinner I would find a comfortable position on our old couch, wrap up in a blanket and crack a window enough to circulate the air but not let in too much of the winter cold. I'd light a cigar and spend several hours reading by the diffuse light of our tower lamp mixed with the glow of flames from the pellet stove. Usually a cat was draped over me purring loudly. Another favorite of mine was sitting cross legged on my computer chair at 1am, my arms tucked into a sweatshirt while our failing boiler strained to keep the house at a modest 60-65 (F) degrees. I was watching Steins;Gate on my computer with the volume turned down (so as not to disturb my wife) and occasionally sipping coffee. It was particularly memorable because several weeks earlier we had swapped our computers out of the office and into the living room.


- Move tile inspiration - Wizard of OZ III: Toto Vengeance


- Sometimes I feel phantom pains and I wonder if in some adjacent reality whether some accident or injury befell my counterpart.


- Sometimes I feel the need to pick up an obscure or relatively pointless skill. Like learning Morse Code for example. Honestly, who even knows Morse code anymore?


- Sometimes I become oddly focused on certain aspects of my body. Sometimes I notice how my pulse actually interferes with my ability to hold my hand steady. When it's really quiet I notice how it  sounds like there is a really high-pitched noise just at the edge of hearing (that's not actually there). Occasionally I'll feel two tiny rings, symmetrical, in roughly opposite spots, whenever I touch the roof of my mouth with my tongue. When I chew I sometimes fixate on the muscle that flexes just above my temple.
     I became annoyed when I discovered one day that I could bend my pinky finger on my left hand to my palm independently of the other fingers. Yet, on my right hand, I was unable to touch my pinky to my palm without uncontrollably bending the finger next to it. Luckily I'm fairly certain I figured out why. I regularly use my left pinky independently to hit CTRL or SHIFT on the keyboard, my right hand does not.
     Before I regularly kept a mustache I used to trace the groove in my upper lip. Everyone has it but I'm not sure why it's there. On the subject of facial hair, I also absent-mindedly twirl my soul patch when I'm studying something. I think it's a requirement or something.


- I had a dream about a WWII museum in which all the exhibits were represented with housecats. There were tanks and planes, all the real stuff, all appropriately scaled down and accurate, except the people were replaced by cats standing on their hind legs. Imagine a Hitler cat at a podium, talking to a field of other cats saluting. Imagine a cat dressed in an army uniform, his paw outstretched pointing forward, while behind him a field of tanks began advancing. Manning the guns on the tanks are cats of all colours, some of them only kittens. In a paratrooper exhibit a line of cats waits for their turn to jump, lit red by the glow of the jump light, while the jump captain cat looks out the open hatch, his head tilted as if looking at something that had just fallen over the edge. Call me crazy...but if someone actually built this I think it would be huge.

Ruminations on Renovations

Four years ago, when my wife and I bought our first house, we bought a fixer-upper because we were hoping try our hand at renovations and, hopefully, make a profit when it came time to sell and move. For some people buying a house is a huge, largely permanent, decision. For us buying a house was just the only reasonable alternative to renting an apartment, even if it was going to be more troublesome when we inevitably moved again. Buying a house, even a small crappy split-ranch that hadn't been updated since the 70's felt more comfortable. It was exciting to know that I could learn how to renovate as I went. However badly I might botch a renovation it was nice to know we wouldn't have a landlord breathing down our necks.

Well, I did actually end up learning my way around some basic renovations. Luckily I never truly botched a job and had to call in a professional. By some miracle I've progressed from feeling an overwhelming sense of dread and uncertainty whenever I pick up a new project, to feeling confident about most improvements. However, being young, uncertain, and fairly broke, the renovations these past four years have progressed slowly. I'd get home from work and want to spend time with my wife, or relax with friends. When I reached decent stopping points it was hard to work up the motivation to start the next exhausting leg of a project. Inevitably that would mean pouring my entire weekend into a frustrating learning experience so that I could return to work unrested and sore. As you might imagine there was quite a bit of procrastination going on. That's not to say that I couldn't work quickly. For instance, when there was a desolate flange where our old toilet once was, and my bowels threatened a reenactment of Mt. St. Helens, I learned how to install a toilet with surprising celerity. Yet situations like that also added to my sense of trepidation. Before I had accumulated the experience I have now I approached each new step with a mixture of fear and enthusiasm. I was always anticipating the possibility that I was going to fuck something up beyond my ability to fix it or, worse, my ability to afford it. Thanks to some mixture of luck and ingenuity though that was never an issue.

These days renovations are a different story. I don't think I've ever felt so satisfied doing renovation work as I have lately, and it just took a change of circumstances. When the decision came to finally sell the house I knew it was time to finally finish working on our bathroom. To put the bathroom work in perspective when we first moved in the tub was tiny, the walls covered in terrible 70's green and gold fleck paneling, the vanity was decrepit, the fixtures cheap, oh and the toilet was at an angle because the floor beneath it had begun rotting. The bathroom was going to be our big project. My wife and I grabbed crowbars and attacked the bathroom like Gordan Freeman at a headcrab convention. By the time we were finished the bathroom was a husk; bare floor and stud walls. In the first year when we had more money to burn we managed a substantial amount of work. I replaced the floor, bought drywall (but then let it sit there for a long time), replaced the toilet, replaced the tub with a larger and roomier one, and even updated a lot of the plumbing and fixtures. Then things got tighter and the purchasing slowed, and so did the work. Over time we bought a vanity and a faucet for it. Eventually I worked up the courage to start trying to attach the drywall which, due to my negligence, was now warped and dusty. More time and much savings later we bought real flooring and I sucked-up and began my first frustrating attempts to apply plaster. There was a lot of down-time between each of those projects though, frequently months.

Then about a month ago it all changed. My wife and our new addition, a baby boy, decided to stay with family a while. She was going to look for work in the area we planned to move to. Meanwhile, I was to concentrate on finishing up projects so the house could sell. I honestly expected the whole process was going to be a drag; all work and no play. I didn't think that being alone and coming home from a job I was ready to leave a year ago was going to leave me with much energy to accomplish anything. Historically my response was procrastination and exhaustion when I took the time to do more renovation work. I surprised myself though. This was the first time ever I've ever actually lived alone; no wife, no room mate, no family staying with us, not even a dog. I didn't have companionship to look forward to when I came home anymore, just alone time watching shows or playing games. I found the difference in working on renovations versus my usual pass-times was really just a matter of engagement.

Working on the house quickly became a daily routine and it was engrossing. The renovations required most of my attention but seeing the changes and the progress was satisfying. I didn't feel the same sense of restraint anymore, nor did I feel like I was wasting my day. I didn't have to worry about whether the bath-tub was currently unusable, or the house cluttered with tools and drywall dust. Who was I going to inconvenience beside myself? For the same reason I felt more confident about each new project I tackled, and I had further reassurance from my accumulated experience. I was no longer a complete beginner on the ground floor, I had reached a point where I was starting to see patterns and understand the processes. I didn't have to crack open a book and reread the same passage 14 times in order to be sure what I was doing was right. When I decided to tile around the tub I did some light research, bought what I needed, read the instructions, and knocked it out in a day. When I had to install drywall around the tub walls and plaster them, well, I had already done it once. And when I realized that there was no insulation in the entryway walls? Some profanity followed by a resolve to tear it down, fill it in, and patch it up.

It's almost an addiction. You go to the Home Depot, or Lowes, or local hardware store and you fill up your freight cart with all this new shiny stuff, all these colourful tools, bring it home and make something. It's like arts and crafts for grown-ups, except you don't hang it on the wall afterwards, it is your wall. Inevitably, each new project demands a new tool. Just when you think you have everything you could ever need you discover something necessary, or at least leagues more convenient. Buying tools begins to feel for all the world like buying a new toy. I hate to admit to such a ubiquitous stereotype but I'm starting to really like tools to the point that some might wind up on my Christmas list. It's not the tool itself, it the potential represents.Well...also the fact that the right tool typically means you're being spared a substantial amount of effort/suffering.

Even now I am still in the midst of renovations but it's nice to look back and see some progress now. My bathroom which has looked mostly unfinished for years now has a fully functioning shower and tub (the tub has been functional for years, just not the shower), the goddamn walls after what seems an eternity are mostly smooth (I hate working with plaster), the walls are painted, the vanity is finally hooked up, the flooring installed. I mean, it's pretty much complete barring superficial details such as a radiator cover, trim, and some shelving I want to install. Each day I look at another list I've drawn up and cross more and more off, even as some of my previously small projects expand a bit. After all that work it's nice to see, on paper and off, that all your time and effort is paying off.

These Thoughts of Mine

My thoughts throughout the work day:

- Someone called out sick for work today and listed their reason as "cough". I'd like to think that if someone is calling out for a "cough", especially on a day that we're already short, it's because "cough" translates to "mysterious coughing up blood disease".


- When I was in middle school I'd read books like Harry Potter and watch movies similar to Brave Story or The Goonies, stories about young heroes overcoming incredible odds. Not sure if this is unusual or not, but I'd always imagine myself in the character's position and think to myself 'If that were me I'd be dead.'


- Somewhere out there are factories making sex toys and I bet there are people who have been working there for years who haven't admitted what they do. 
"Where do you work?"
"A...toy factory."
Yet someone out there is inspecting silicon dildos for quality control or packing rubber vaginas into boxes.


- I feel pretty ingenuitive sometimes when I come up with a creative solution for a convoluted problem. I only wish I wasn't also the source of most of my convoluted problems.


- If eating healthy weren't so time-consuming I'd do it all the time. When it takes an hour and a half to make bread, 20 minutes for a 'quick' pasta lunch, and at least an hour to make a decent soup it adds up way too quick.