Things I Hate #9 - Finish the Damn Titl...

Behold the monstrous visage of terrible clickbait advertisements. Now let's tear it apart to see what makes it tick. Now who is the real monster?

1. 5 Signs You'll Get Cancer
Let me start of by pointing on that this under-handed ad preys on your fear of vulnerability to cancer. Oh no! I don't want to get cancer I better click this link so I can better protect myself! Although now that I think about it, it says nothing about risks, it just says 5 signs you'll get cancer. Guess that means it's unavoidable and nothing matters anymore. In any case whatever it says is probably utter garbage, a literary sewer back-up presenting the latest pointless health conspiracies. So instead here are my 5 Signs You'll Get Cancer.

• You bath in gasoline.
• You can only enjoy food when it has been charred beyond recognition.
• You feel breathing is too easy by default so you like to keep your home filled with a thick blanket of smoke.
• You can't sleep at night unless your Geiger counter makes a constant soothing click noise.
• You believe that sunscreen does nothing- it's a hoax like global warming. 

2. The 3 Worst Things that Age You Faster (AVOID)

You know, if you are going to capitalize everything else in your title, you might as well get that last word. I hate to admit it, it's technically right, but everything else is capitalized, finish that fucker off. Now, where to start? The picture shows someone exercising, so it seems like they are trying to imply that exercising can in some way make you age faster. Chances are the picture is unrelated though. This is clickbait after all. Also, what's up with the "(AVOID)"? I mean, these are about things that age you faster, do you really need to tell people not to do them? This is an elixir from the Fountain of Infirmity, don't drink it! (AVOID). Duh. More garbage.

3. 10 Crazy Alternate Endings

If this wasn't from Movieseum (wtf is that even) this sounds like it could actually be an interesting article. Although the harsh reality is that most of those endings didn't make it into the final product because they aren't that great. Sometimes an alternate ending can provide insights into characters or details from the movie. Sometimes the alternate ending is dumb or barely distinguishable from the actual ending. Either way, I don't expect a site called Movieseum to provide more than a bare minimum of effort. Certainly nothing engaging is there. And, goddamnit, what have I told you ads about jamming two words together for a site name. You lazy bastards.

4. 16 Exercises You Must Do If You Want To Lose Weig...

Oh how I loathe these types of ads in particular. The mere title perpetuates a common myth that there are exercises that make you lose weight (or target certain areas). There aren't. The short version is that it's entirely dependent on calories in versus calories out. I can give you a better version of whatever article was linked (minus whatever product they are trying to push) just by rearranging the title. Behold: Exercise You Must, If You Want To Lose Weight. Also, seriously fuck this title. Fuck this title in particular. It trails off implying there is more after 'Weight' but they could have just as easily finished writing weight. The title would have still made sense! Seriously, c'mon!

5. 18 Celebrity Hairstyles We Hope To NEVER See Again

A cheap ad-ridden site filled with low-res photos and the occasional absurdly high res photo (for no particular reason) with each picture accompanied by a poorly written snarky comment. That's my guess as to what that link leads to. Oh, and they'll force you to click "Next" for each one. Now, if you've ever read any of my old Things I Hate posts you may know that I care next to nothing about celebrities. My general thought process being 'leave them the hell alone'. So, you know, even if this article was being presented by someplace more reputable than whatever Refinery29 my feelings would still be about the same: The article concept is garbage and I could care less. 

6. You Won't Believe What This Teen Can't Do Whil...

Toyota? Somehow I doubt that is the official Toyota site. Also, let's bullet point this shit because I have a lot to nitpick on this one. 

• The picture depicts someone driving, the site is supposedly Toyota, and the title implies 'While Driving'. Key word being implies. The link probably is something to do with driving but I'm just saying this could just be a big switcharoo.
• Fuck. Just add the goddamn 'e' before the ellipses. 
• I bet I can believe it.
• The trailing title and the picture of a young blonde girl (with her mouth open and an aloof expression) suggest something sexual in nature at the end of the diseased rainbow that is this ad. The content is most certainly not sexual. I'd bet money on it. Their goal is to get you to click, not to be truthful. 
• The picture and the title 'What This Teen Can't Do' combined prey on the stereotype of dumb blondes even though it's likely completely irrelevant. The picture implies that the article concerns a blonde girl. However, aside from the picture (which is frequently misleading) nothing confirms that the article is even about a girl much less a blonde. It says 'Teen'.

Well that's all for now. I'll leave you with this thought for now: Why do I share all this? Well partially to indulge my indignant rage, but also because I don't want you to click on these. The rancid ad-meat of Taboola ad blocks might just go away someday if everyone stops clicking on their shameless links. Also because these crap ads provide much insight into the wider world of ad psychology. 

Let's Talk About Thermal Expansion - "The Sausage Incident"

Today I learned a valuable lesson. Always use the right size lid for your pan. Heed my tale.

So there I was, standing around the house. Warren had just been put down for a nap and I had things I needed to do but, just then, I hungered. The beast demanded meat. Luckily for us we’ve been eating high protein meals as part of a new diet plan. I could have some cottage cheese. Maybe. Or some chicken thighs. Hmm. Tilapia was also an option. Nah.

No, what I needed today was Bratwurst. A thick tube of beer-infused fatty meaty goodness that I could throw between two pieces of bread and slather with mustard for a transcendent lunch experience. I ripped open the package and flung a brat into the pan, I think there was an angelic choir involved. The sausage landed with a wet and anti-climactic plop. Also, I turned on the heat.

A few minutes later and the sausage is coming along nicely. The packaging says I should pour in some water at this point and cover for 12 minutes. I briefly consider this but, then again, I don’t want to muddle my bratwurst. I figure I’ll just let it finish frying in the pan, alone, at a lower heat. I got this. Although that bit about the lid sounds smart, I decide. If I throw a lid on maybe it will finish cooking slightly faster. That’s about when things started to go wrong.

At this point I should mention that we got a new pot and pan set for Christmas. I dug through the myriad covers lurking in the back of the cupboards for the right lid, only, there is no right lid for this newer pan. There is smaller lid. Ah. There is a lid of the exact same size as the previous lid. Uh...okay. And there is a lid of monstrous proportions that might just be a satellite dish that broke off of the international space station. Wonder if I should report that. No worries though, I still got this. There’s still that lid- it might fit.

The lid in question is vintage- a thick slab of metal with a handle attached. A couple hundred years ago people would have called it a buckler and appropriated it for honorable combat. It’s 2017 now though, so it’s a pot lid. The lid belongs to a set that originated in the 70’s, if the color is any indication, back when the design philosophy was that even if you can’t survive the nukes, you kitchenware should at least.

I gingerly placed the lid over the sizzling miracle that was my bratwurst. The alternative lid fit, but it didn’t rest lightly on the edge like a normal lid. No, this lid was slightly too small for the pan but rested nicely on the inner diameter about a quarter inch down. The result seemed more-or-less perfect. Seemed. Let’s just say it was less than perfect. I set the timer for 8 minutes and then most certainly did something significantly more productive than stand in the kitchen staring at the stove for the next 7 minutes.

Now, let’s talk about thermal expansion. Thermal expansion is the concept that when the temperature of a material increases so does the material’s volume. That means when you heat something it gets ever so slightly bigger. This is something I did not take into consideration at the time. No worries though, I got this.

So the pan comes off the heat slightly early. I want to make sure that the bratwurst is done before I reset the timer. I give a tug on the lid but it seems to be just a bit tight. Also the lid is radiating heat like it’s a fire-demon and I just beat it in a game of checkers, so I dutifully wait. Meanwhile, the bratwurst continues to sizzle in its iron cage- sounding its hauntingly beautiful sausage siren song.

A few minutes later the pan has cooled quite a bit. A few experimental tugs on the lid reveal that it’s more than a bit tight. The lid is so stuck that I can lift the entire pan by the lid. I can, in fact, bounce the pan up and down by the lid. Er, I think I still got this, though.

I’m generally a smart guy. I realize that the lid must have expanded due to the heat therefore, I surmise, all I need to do is cool everything down and it will contract. Brilliant. I got this. The pan, the new pan may I remind you, has now cooled down enough that I feel safe running it under some cold water. So I do. The pan and lid have now been cooled to the point that they are now cold to the touch. I tug on the lid. Nothing. I try to apply some simple leverage. The only good grip point is the pan handle, which threatens to bend anytime I apply more than moderate force, and a small black plastic handle in the center of the lid, which seems to be suggesting that all of creation will give way before it does.

I don’t got this.

It was around this point that I started to panic. I have just ruined a brand new pan and a 15th century buckler. Then it occurs to me, more contraction, that’s the solution! I open the freezer and pop the entire pan in and close the door. I even set a timer so my anxious meddling doesn’t interfere with the cold. I listen for the metallic pop of the lid coming loose but it never comes. Suddenly a new fear dawns on me. What if the heated lid created such a perfect seal that the bratwurst-space became essentially airtight? By that logic, by cooling the pan in the freezer, I am causing the trapped air to contract and creating negative pressure. The inside of the pan is becoming a vacuum. I realize my sausage is now a tiny, doomed, earthbound cosmonaut trapped in an artificial vacuum: Brat-space.

I yank the pan out of the freezer. My panicked man-brain is telling me that only a hammer can resolve this now. Somehow I think this is the proper course of action. Yes. The only course of action available to me now. Something in the back of my brain is telling me "just run and never look back". There is no turning back past this point. On my present course, at its logical conclusion, I will be digging a shallow grave at the base of a mountain in the rain. Fortunately for me I seem to have misplaced the hammer.

Out of options I revert to the primitive cave-man parts of my brain. There are no large rocks around so I drop to my knees and begin hitting the side of the pan on the ground with increasing force. In the course of 15 minutes I have become a monkey with a bone. The sky turns red and I think I see a black monolith out of the corner of my eye. My greasy cosmonaut is on the ride of his life in brat-space. Be brave for me bratwurst. Be brave. I can hear it bouncing around the inside of the pan with a sound like a liver in a bass drum.

Suddenly- it happens in slow motion- the lid comes off and everything is airborne. The moment is a combination of shock and awe. I watch the slick, engorged bratwurst wobble through the air in glorious flight and a spray of thick meat juices. I can hear the brilliant chords of the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey playing as the sausage reaches the apex of its arc. Somewhere in the back of my mind I feel as if I have inadvertently stumbled upon a homoerotic fan-fiction.

The sausage lands with an uninteresting ‘thppt’. The pan appears to be undamaged.

Everything is back to normal now. In one moment I had abandoned thousands of years of evolution, the next I am on my knees in the kitchen with an undamaged pan, an oleaginous mess, cold lunch, and a lid that could have served as a tank hatch in a past life.

And that is why you should always use the right size lid.

The Christmas Present Lie

Although I haven’t been inside an actual mall in years now I still remember just what it was like around Christmas. I recall waiting in long lines to see Santa, Christmas music barely audible over the din of talking people, the echoes off the large hallways and expansive storefronts, glitter, cotton, fake snow, and plastic decorations everywhere. Maybe there were ornate card stock snow flakes dangling from the ceiling and certainly there were lights and Christmas trees. What I remember most is that, to me, everything seemed tinged by an intangible warmth- a holiday glow as it were. I remember, too, waiting with solemn determination to state my carefully refined selections for presents. It was the time of year when my heart’s desires might appear beneath a tree if I made them known.

Of course, I was aware of where the gifts came from. I hadn't been under the false impression that my gifts were delivered by a large old man in a red suit save for a few years when I was particularly young. Although, coincidentally, several of my gifts were indeed delivered each year by an older man with a white beard and red clothes. That is to say, my grandfather in a red flannel. Yet for some reason, until sometime in my middle school years, I still went to see Santa at the mall with my sisters. Somehow that stranger in a red suit still seemed connected to the gifts I received. As if stating my wishes somehow made them more real than writing them on a Christmas list.

As a kid I gaped at adults when they told me that presents didn’t really matter to them. I was shocked that they could lie so plainly. Had they lied to themselves so convincingly that they now believed it? Presents were a huge part of the Christmas experience. What was Christmas without presents? Without something to unwrap? Surely something terrible had happened to them. I didn’t understand.

By 22 though I began to have some doubts. Still, even if I didn’t look forward to Christmas with quite the same excitement I would have been lying if I said I wasn’t excited. My gift preferences had just changed and there was less suspense. Also on some levels I didn’t always trust people to get me the right gifts for some of my more advanced interests, which limited my list somewhat.

Jumping forward to the present I am suddenly aware that I have been tainted. My younger self would be horrified to see me now. I spent months dragging my feet to put together a Christmas list, even under constant reminders from family who wanted to get their shopping done early. I literally spent several evenings staring at a blank document while I tried to figure out what I could reasonably ask for. I couldn’t think of any presents I that I really wanted.

Of course that’s actually a lie. My younger self was right about that much. I do still want presents, it’s just that the presents I want now won’t fit under a tree. If I was standing in line at the mall, amidst the color and the noise, I would also know just what I was going to ask for. As I approached the front the mall Santa would look around expectantly for my kid, only to realize with a dawning expression of confusion that I was unaccompanied. I would walk forward and the Santa would look at his elf helper, who would look at me and then back to Santa before putting up his hands and backing away slowly.

Sitting on Santa’s lap I would look at him and tell him, from one uncomfortable bearded man to another sweatier uncomfortable bearded man, that I had a few things I wanted for Christmas. “I would like a career that pays ‘enough’. I want to have no more debt. I would like time enough to pursue my creative and academic interests. I want to do what I love for work. And to stop having to rely on help just to get by. And a college education. And to be able to help my friends and family pursue their own dreams. And...”

Maybe Santa would smile a small smile and nod knowingly. Maybe mall security would gesture toward their radio, silently suggesting I move along. I don’t plan on visiting a mall Santa any time soon though so perhaps I’ll never know.

My Writing Rules - 2016 Edition

 It has been a little over a year now since I started 'No One Will Recall' over again, from the metaphorical ashes of my old writing. With a lot of big changes in my life coming up I figured it was time to look back over some of this year's works and take a mental inventory. See how far I've come and where I should be going, and maybe revise my rules a little.

I think the most difficult issue that I've struggled with this year is actually writing about things I care about. I feel like for any normal person this is a non-issue. I've always had a problem with 'saving the best for last' because I don't want to waste an idea. I actually wrote about this very thing last year. I'm always afraid I'll ruin my interests and, to be fair, every time I have attempted my favorite ideas in the past I have butchered them. Unfortunately that's a necessary evil though. Your best ideas are also the best for practice because you know exactly how you want them to turn out. When I fail to live up to my own vision of a piece I can examine it and see exactly where I went wrong. Running your best ideas through the grinder is some of the best possible experience. Using a throw away idea doesn't provide the same sort of perspective, or even incentive. Messing up a throw-away idea carries no weight because, "It was a throw-away idea anyways". Perhaps that is an unmentioned rite of passage; feed your items to your creative flame, and the ideas that survive are those worthwhile...?

Another issue that I've run into has been dwelling on myself/my thoughts. In some posts, like this one, focusing on self-examination is pretty much unavoidable. I noticed though, that especially as my writing tapered off in January my posts were shifted towards dwelling on my failures and agonizing on my deficiencies. Overall I think I've reduced how often I agonize over my writing, but I need to extend that effort even further. I'm prone to bouts of depression, but adding a simple rule might help me to avoid long cyclical posts in which I don't really accomplish anything. I really wouldn't mind pouring my depressing thoughts onto a page as long as I have direction and an end goal.

Speaking of ruining interests and talking in circles, my last noticeable issue is a lack of interest. Not surprising really. I update inconsistently, my writing is still improving, and to be fair a lot of my posts probably aren't that interesting. Nobody wants to hear about me, you don't know who I am and my writing isn't refined enough to interest anyone in my process (what process). I've already decided to reduce posts dwelling on myself, which is a good first step but I need more than that. I don't know what people want to read but I know that traditional writing isn't cutting it for me. I wish there was a way to seamlessly combine visual media and the blocks of text I'm prone to. There has to be something else out there that works better for me. So I need to experiment. Which means I need to fail a lot. I need to explore and find what works for me, because if I find it interesting I'm sure some others will too.

Last, I'd like to improve on the humor of my writing; which is more of a personal goal so I'll be leaving that one off the list (below). Once, I used to pepper my writing with small jokes throughout, these days I tend toward the serious. Although, I still manage occasional dry or sarcastic humor. 'Things I Hate' has helped me work on comedic phrasing but I could definitely use more practice. I don't really have a message or cause I want to convey. I write because I want to evoke emotion and entertain, and comedy would be a valuable skill towards that end.

5 Basic Rules for Improving my Writing (2016 Edition)

1. Write often. 

2. Do not worry about what you will write about. If you write enough you will figure out what you really want to write. Ruin your interests- write about what you love most as often as you can stomach it.

3. Whenever possible: Wait at least 24 hours, reread, and revise.

4. Read often and actively, not passively. Read often; stop and think.

5. Explore different genres and styles both in writing and reading. Experiment until you find what works.

 

6. Don't dwell on yourself.

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.003 - Top 5 Bad Guys (From movies, anime, and games)

Hey people and lack of people, we finished up another episode of Useless Musings. I know that next to no one actually listens to this stuff but this most recent episode is pretty good if you like anime and gaming, at least by our standards. Top 5 Villains gave us a much broader topic to discuss so we covered a diverse range of characters and really tried to determine what makes a villain good (or bad? help?)

This episode ended up coming out much later than I initially planned because I wanted to try adding in some visuals. So if you are the type to just listen and stare at the screen, well, then at least you'll have some cool character art to look at. If not, well, then you have something to reference if you hear a name and think, "Who the fuck is that?".

No download link yet but I'll try and have one up a bit later Download link for mp3 version here; for now you can watch using the Youtube link below. The video has actually been out for over a week now, but I figured if anyone still stops by my homely little blog/writing space they might be interested.

https://youtu.be/-v1Q3pMY3tw

 

 

I have a few other talks in mind for the upcoming weeks if I'm not too busy. I doubt anyone cares strongly at this point in time what Sachi and I cover next, but if you want to throw in your 2 cents leave a comment. We're thinking about covering Legend of Korra, Log Horizon, Sword Art Online, or possibly Elders Scrolls III: Morrowind.

By Moonlight My Words Indistinct

I was going to write about my college experiences and contrast the quintessential American college dream, but then I realized I was too tired to do it justice. Indeed, I probably shouldn't be writing this article right now either as, inevitably, I will end up cleaning up my paragraphs in the morning as surely as I'd be cleaning sloshed and spilled shots after a night of drinking. Writing fatigue is, unfortunately, something that I've had to deal with a lot since I picked writing back up. I do most of my writing after work now or after over-sleeping on the weekends and, as a result, I've had to contend with the many small errors and lapses of concentration that accompany being tired. For me though, this is just something that I have to deal with since waiting until I don't feel tired means that I don't write much, and I already don't write very often.

As I've gotten older I've noticed more and more how much fatigue influences my ability to perform. I don't think that I was ever really resistant to the effects of a sleep deficit when I was younger, I think I just didn't notice in the same way I do now. I've noticed the ways that it muddles my thinking, scatters my concentration, how it makes me feel physically weaker, and rasps my voice so that I can't sing right. I don't even always feel like I'm not performing well. When playing a game or practicing something I just slowly begin to mess up more frequently, until I reach a point where I feel as though I've somehow regressed. When typing tired I frequently make more mistakes like spelling errors, absentmindedly inserting wrong words, or repeating parts or repeating part of a sentence.

Writing fatigued makes practicing writing very difficult, because my memory is also affected. I don't retain as much of my practice as I would if I had practiced for the same amount of time in the morning. It's very easy to make mistakes when you are tired and, well, you play like practice. The lack of concentration further complicates the matter as it can make for weak or rambling sentences, lack of awareness (more spelling errors), and bland or reused word choice.

Writing is, mentally, a very high energy activity. My brain, and yours too, can only handle so much each day before it starts discarding bits of memory and attention. After a long day, especially one already spent dwelling on challenging thoughts, an activity like writing, (or chess, or detail-work) is daunting. Complex writing topics can feel like a wall when you're trying your best to make them work but your tired brain won't translate anything into text that doesn't read like a 5-year-old talking in circles. Even worse, sometimes my brain just outright quits like: "Nope, I've had enough. Sleep mode engage."

I look forward to a time in which I can write without feeling like I'm about to nod off at any moment. Most weekdays if I stop moving or drinking coffee long enough to catch my breath I feel like I'm about to fall asleep. I'd suspect that I have some sort of fatigue issue but the more likely story is that I'm over-worked, over-stressed, and highly over-caffeinated. I'm not sure if that affects my writing in ways beyond fatigue but it could go some way towards explaining why my posts feel like precariously stacked word-towers. I'm curious to know what sort of impression my writing gives readers; I'm far too biased to be able to tell what my own writing is like without a good two-month buffer between writing and review.

Perhaps the most detrimental aspect of writing tired is that I tend to focus on my problems. For me, at least, fatigue and negativity are closely related, it takes a lot of effort not to be negative when I am exhausted. My inspired ideas are easy drop when tired, that is, hard to keep vivid in my head. When I'm tired and negative however, all my negative thoughts are easy to pour out since they are at the forefront of my mind. People don't particularly care about your problems though unless they are invested in your life, or your particular problems For me this means that dwelling on my issues pretty much makes for uninteresting pieces. I end up working on writing about problems instead of working on something truly creative or challenging. Is writing about my problems cathartic? Yes, somewhat. As with most negative thoughts, however, I tend to go around in circles. The fatigue cycle is a difficult one to break without changing your circumstances and, unfortunately, my circumstances are not so easy to change.

Naja & Sachi: Useless Musings Podcast Ep.002 - Introduction to Final Fantasy XIV

Before I ramble too much: Mp3 can be found here.
Youtube version is available lower on the page.

I decided to branch out from writing a little bit. I have been having a lot of fun working on my new podcast series with Sachi the past two weeks. Starting up the podcast was kind of spur of the moment but I had been thinking about it for a long time. These days, well, actually for a while now, time has been a major limiting factor for all my creative endeavors. Motivation is probably a close second. So I've taken to using a 'whatever works' approach to my creative projects. It's why you haven't seen me posting here very often for a while; writing is something I enjoy very much but it takes a lot out of me. The podcasts, however, I have actually been able to muster some motivation for and they allow me to continue expanding creatively.

 I've wanted to do something collaborative for a long time but could never really get my other friends behind any of my ideas. I wanted to try Let's Plays but poring over recorded footage is very time consuming and I haven't had time for quite a while (though that might finally change later this year). I also considered doing reviews or funny shorts, but due to either time, technical issues, or general lack of interest I had to back down. When I examined why those projects never got off the ground I decided it was because I wasn't playing to my strengths, or rather, my group's strength. My friends and I aren't particularly funny people (though we have our moments), but we are great at interesting and often weird discussions; from Physics and Philosophy, to Anime and Gaming.

Right now it's just Sachi and myself, but I have future plans to drag my other friends into if I really latch onto this podcast idea. (And so far I really like it.)

Well that's enough irrelevant blabbing for now, let me get to the actual podcast. In this episode Sachi and I talk about Final Fantasy XIV, Square Enix's 2nd MMORPG final fantasy. We were originally supposed to discuss the game at large but it more or less turned into a crazy introduction mixed with stories. We're still getting the hang of this. One change you might notice is that we now have an intro. Also, in this particular episode I played around with some music in the background. Let me know your thoughts on that here or in the comments of the Youtube video.

Right now I'm using just a simple static splash screen but episode 003 will include some simple visuals to add a little interest for anybody listening through Youtube. As with all my projects suggestions and comments are very appreciated.